Tuesday, August 04, 2009

ive really been suisidal lately-cant even spell the word suicidal there,, and im easily panicked - im driving my own self insane again-with bad thoughts of how i deserve NOTHING and NOTHING is what im destined for,empty and dark and alone and old and ugly
-im thinkin bout myself-
every thought i have is gloomy and dark and heavy ...i cry at the slightest/ i KNOW i said i was thru witht this blog,but i just have to write,,i cant write in a book or journal cuz i cant see to write,,i use this computer because the background is light and i can at least see alittle bit,,if i wear the glasses kelly found downtown- then im cross eyed and have a headache for the rest of the day-resst is the only cure BUT i have no more time for sleep, or rest
TIME is of the essence here
i cant waste any time,i have kellys pants to sew,i have to price stuff for garage sale_sure cant selll anything online,no-ones BUYING anything except cell phones and anything else NEW and expensive,(fresh outta that kinda stuff)
we got to guarenty abstract at 7.30 AM this moring,
in pain and about to cry from all the stress of it- we both saw how hard it was for me to just brush my teeth and hair to go to my doctors appt this morning,(kelly was on a razors edge-just fighting the urge to blow up)
IM SOOOOOOOOOO scared and nervous and i have bad hives again -all over my face.
its a new day and it sux,i gotta be positive tho= im pretty disapointed in things
and a person can only be so positive when bad stuff keeps happening.
first of all,,,TUESDAY 7.3o to meet kelly the POE/ this is the morning i was gonna
go w/kelly(not my kelly,shawny's kelly) out to ACT...NO SHOW,she went w/o me....
- this will have been my sixth attempt to get out there,its a FAR-travel and our car will not make it- and its TOO hot in the afternoon, we r back in the heaT warning zone again,,our weather has been really HOT and HUMID,,im reaaaaallly thinkin new mexico for a new life and weather that we can tolerate...
we, me and kell,,r realllly scared now,,SSDI denied my claim, chris hunt atty at law wants me to re=apply OhMYGOD! and then hes gonna appeal my case before judge Lantze. or what ever his name is.
I feel like crap.im really very depressed-i have been fighting back tears for over a week now-
and i gotta ask my dad for money again,we need that car fixed so we are not trapped here.
im reaaaallly scared and i feel alone and un certian,
I pray to God for my peace and security-Lord please Bless me, Amen.
James was hurtBADLY at his military training place= georgia - he has No memory of us and why he's in the military and all that. sh*t , he even forgot about leslie-and breaking up with her --its very strange, hes got a concussion and his car is totalled ,they cut the top off his new mustang to save him.
we r trapped and with out alot of stuff,and i feel the pressure as always,,i feel responsible for the effing mess we r in now-hard times are getting worse -we can hardly afford to live now
its just so scary. andkelly says there R NO JOBS to look for,its a dead end everywhere-

RA is attacking my -sholders - elbows - neck -its unrelenting pain that will not go away even under two darvons, ansd half of a lortab all at the same time
-i know people who have insurance would NEVER be alllowed to live this way (with pain that drives you to your knees)
BUT because i do not have insurance,,i have no help, but, even if i had insurance, i would not be able to afford any type of treatment unless it was covered 100 percent,,doubt any insurance would be that good.

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