Friday, September 29, 2006

friday sept 29th OMG we are realllllllly scared now,,,ok!!!we quit smoking marlboros (as pr doctor) this jan 1st 2006 andit is NOW sept 29 2006 and we broke down and bought BEER & a marlboros 4 the both of us!!!!!!!!Because guess what????---- TODAY EVERYTHING WE DID---GOT SCREWED UP=CANT GET INTO ALL THE DETAILS-way too many
im drinking now ,a beer,
I felt strong enuff & heathly to go help kelly w/cleaning patsy's house(5 thousand square ft home) *my contribution would make a 4.5 hour job down to a 2.5 hour job,,pay is the same no matter how long it takes, kelly has this system and it is a art,,most people would not know where to begin. its aHuge house.
I have been helping her(kelly) over years at patsys house,,patsy is a surrogate mother to the both of us and has her hooks in us BIGTIME. shes 70 and independant as helll BUT she needs us and we need her,
itsaLOVE/HATErelationship and i could write about allllll day,,,,, cant for now.

have lots of pictures taken out at patsys,,look...........

still working on this post,,but ihave to go outside and drink my beer, and try a ciggy ..(heheh.evil laugh)

OMG we ARE SUCH DORKS WE Have classsical.mozart the marriageoffigaro-Holst-theplanesVenus,thebriggerofpeace music cranked UP really loud and drinking budwiser and smoking to fantasia para un gentilhombre guitar & orchestras RODRIGO=Xellent hAVE u EVER reallY LISTENED TO BEETHOVENSYMPHONY#6fMAJOR-LIKE I KNOW WHAT DIFF THAT MAKES,,BUT IM TELLING U THIS MUSIC IS FLUIDART AND WHEW What dramatic music wheweresmyreer ..OHNO,IMGEETING HJUST A LIITTLE.typsy



GOD we r rebeloius tonite! "why???' is the question.
the answer is bad,, it seems bad NOW anyhow.
we are going thru so much change that now- everything seems so unreal that im still not sure im JUST dreaming. please tell me im just dreaming and i dont have ra,,pleasse tell me that....

ive come back to my senses now,,i smoked a few cigs and drank ONE beer, and felt drunk,but wegot the munchies an baked nachos and after i ate i was then JUST TIRED,,this day sucked i wish i could just type everything that happend, but why - its not goonna change anything, im wasting my time,i swear,life is just a kick in the ass & i NEVER used to feel this way
the ra is like starting to really make itself knwn now,k,always and that is forcing me to loook at my health iu am scared, i havent taken Metho injections- four weeks now, the last time my doctor (on the phone) sd dont take it unitlli get stable,i am loosing weight still and i asked kelly if im in my last days of my life now?
i feel like i am ,,
DAMN! rippedoff bad,,never even got my ""
*foundation = stability and security*

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

SEpt.26th 9.00PMtoday has been surreal. This is the first that ive been to my beloved computer - hurts my fingers to type. because my split finger tips, (skin splits)and my LEFT hip and wrist are in bad shape. I cannot sit on my left side - hip- i guess?!?OKOK WTF? BLOOD sugar test results,,,this is my reading 89 ????? THIS after drinking coffee and 2 sodas TODAY, hell i barely drink one soda, -so go figure?, I thought we were onto something but its STILL a mystery - What are Normal Blood Glucose Levels why r my reading so irractic? and even worse but why r my reading HIGH ?Whats going on to cause the up and down readings,-im still working on that .. i will tell my doc...ha Like they CARE, i used to say that i could attach a note to my deadass carcuss and fling it accross the check-in desk- and they would just push me aside to yell "NEXT!!!" today something weird happened -a Serendipity i talked to a young lady named terri she is selling all of her acrylic paint... i called about purchasing it, HA! Like we can afford even a dollar
i wanted to trade or at least se what she was asking for the paints ,,,anyhow -....we talked awhile i explained why i want the paint,(keep me occupied and out of depression) and she said her husband 47 yrs old just had to give up his job, and cant play his ART now-guitar- because he has RA! He can no longer work or play anymore. OMG!,,.is everyone getting it now? WTF is going on here?
I SAY THIS.... LOOK UP INTHE SKY ...... Chemtrails, an Introduction they are real & they happen EVERYDAY no one even cares .......thats cuz no one knows what the hell they are doing
*they* (government) will NEVER admit its bio Xperiments
or weather altering or ??? or… anything!!! - God only knows,
HEY-if this government's in on it -- then it just can’t be good….

Monday, September 25, 2006

monday Pm (bloodsugar,140) feel like shit every bone in my feet hurt and my hands are swollen,and fingertips have splits (this is 2 finger typing) splits come to my fingertips,when i get too tired and they swelll,the skin around myfingernailbeds gets cracked,i call it the "splits" - they will bleed and get wost if i dont sleep with special lotion and gloves .... only way to get them healed is to cover them, kelly woke me up at 6.30 ish ? to take my PM meds and thats when i hurt soo bad,, when i sleepits going on,,something is going on,,because when i wake up,,im in pain,like i inturupted a" pac-man"party,, they are munching on my bones....everystep is too painfull

monday 7.55 am,just woke up about 30 mminuets ago
no pictures pleAse,,hheheeeeee
1st thing is horoscope to know if today is gonna bite my ass or just be nice?
*****Monday, September 25th, 2006*********
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
An inner voice says to share your feelings but circumstances tell you to hold back. It could feel like a no-win situation, whichever course of action you take. Finding a middle path is more difficult than usual for you champions of diplomacy. Be more emotionally engaged until the intensity is expressed. Then, and only then, will you be able to regain control of your own heart.
i am always on the "middle path" or u can say im in the middle of the road on all isuues,,(libras do that)

Sunday, September 24, 2006

its late tonite,,sat nite i did not drink that beer i wanted to, we did patricks yard,,i photo'd while kelly wrked quickly,,it ended up taking alot longer( no complant- just ran outta time)
then to kellys moms to get a wrench (change out a shower head) then home - shower - upload eat-OMG its late.. i havnt even seen myspace forever!!!!!!! tomorrow-hang out on

i took pictures tonite and was surprised to find orbs in2 or 3 ,,heres the LINK 2 the photos

Saturday, September 23, 2006

today im weak,, went w/ kelly to clean patsys house(5 thousand square feet home) by the we left her house , kell said something was all over me,,i looked in the rear viewmirror to see,,yep,,red dots everywhere,,huumm, dont feel good at all, but we have 2 go mow a lawn for $ now an weed eat and whatever else,,im not up 4 it but i have to ,,rent is days away ans we have about 200.00 and we need 800.00 we dont want to loose this house,but i cant kill myself to payforit either YES I CAN and will kill myself to keep it,,i will work dont care what falls off of my body,,or what kidney stops,,fuck it I dont care what they say,IM GONNA DRINK A FUCKIN BEER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tonite, im F*& drinkin .............................................................................. pics to show spots and dunno what they are i dont feel them- no itchy,,so,??-god only knows,, -anyways we have to go now,,go push a mower and weedeat with my guts alll inflamed and weak to the core,,but i NEED the $ and kelly needs the help,, cant let this costcronditus or what everthefuckitscalled,,get in my way of saving us and getting the rent for one more MONTH -just do month to month.,,why worrie about next,,wait,,im depressed and going off,i must hold it in,,, and flush this attitude,,not good,,but i have ANGNST and anger today,,im mad that i cant get up and go, ohfuckit.........................................and my left hipjointara cant be sat on,i mean my butt hurts to sit on it,,left side bone that uy sit on,,whatever its called,, hip joint -joint maybe?? lets just say i cant sit on my left side of my butt! now thats fucked up... and im not dealing,,see all the anger herre in this blog asi type why am i mad,,i dont know,why doi want to kick and punch someone,,(like a murderer or thief or some BAD person) i just would PUNCHuminthe gut soo hard,,

Thursday, September 21, 2006

09/21/06.thurs= ive been "away" for awhile -"faaaaar-far-away" I feel "alittle" better 2day,,
i hurt soo bad these past few days that i had to go as far as TAKING 2 painPILLS INSDTEAD of ONE !!!! and thats JUST not like me,,i was desperate tho,,as each time i woke up to only feel worse then when i went to sleep,,and sleep is my cure,so i knew something was wrong,, i would have fever,,then be chilled to the core,,then fever again,,up and down,, NOW we are onto something here,, kellys moms are nurses,,they bought a "sugar bloodtest monitor kit" and showed us how to use it,, my blood sugar is WAY TOO HIGH *Kelly's moms say it should be 100-110 for a normal *Mine has been 231 the 1st time we did it,,then 1st thing in am,,its 151 today and 141 yesterday am, without food.... sooo it could be
Steroid-Induced Diabetes
*at least it may xplain the reasons why im weak,lost all this weight, no appetite, and fainting,absolutly NO energy at all, and bla bla bla ....
i have been 2 the appt for CT scan on Monday AM 9.30 sept 18th,,no word yet on what the tests show,,probably that im pregnant with an alien baby and thats the whole problem the whole time,,, *joking* ...i miss creating art... and my planting...i have soo much to do, and havent the energy to do it..this sux. my fingers hurt today but its raining now and will be soggy all day (ouchy) im still in my slippers cuz i cant walk flat ,,finished bitchin,,gotta go, bye to whoever is outthere,, ihope u dont think im weird or anything ,,i just spin out these blogs and go on,,i barely proofread,,i let the misspells stay and i just do this because i have to talk to SOMEBODY and this is it! ,,i mean kelly hears Enuff really i feel sorry for her- she has to lug me arounf everywhere,,adn when im in pain,,she has to remain calm,and help,when she just wants to cry too - shes pretty tuff and she gets everythingof mine when i..... gulp... die... harsh Reality
this black cat is part of my soul, i love him w/ all my heart- i look for him the moment i wake up and he looks for me too! awwwwww ilovehim.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

sept 20 wednesday
im upset right now from reading a .txt that i wrote in the middle of the night( underXtrem stress)and trying to honestly place what i feel on paper,,i want to post it here, i dont know why,,maybe a psychologist could find this,, and respond with whats going on mentally,,but i am having a very very hard time with depression and cant afford the medicine i have prescriptions for 2 anti-depessants but cannot fill them cymbalta and lexapro,,,(spelled wrong im sure)
anyways this .txt is very harsh and upsetting BUT its what fell outta me at 2.00 am i was exhaustd while writting it - i felt btter after writting it- i actully fell asleep then and slept thru the whole time untill kelly woke me at 8.45 am and i was soar " fleshey soar" its now 2.00 pm in the afternoon,im doing this now while i have energy,, i only have windows of energy, and this is one of them,,and i can barely breath and im weak and tired ,,,
i will NOT edit the . txt,,i want the natural thing to show,,even tho i perhaps was little over dramtic when i stated my daddy isnt the hero. or something like that,, that i thought he was,,,,
i know my dad reasds these blogs of mine so i dont want him to feel that i dont see him the same as i always have,,and always will no matter what he ,,if he were to just NEVER contact me again,,i would still cling to the belief tat he loves me no matter what,, AND I DO MATTER TO HIM i belive that,,and hope to god hope toGOD its true,,as im crying now over the emptyness inmy fucking heart of no parents for all my life and i always wanted parents,,BUT we" dont alwalys get what we want"......" but ill try sometimes,,,,,and i just mite find,,,,,ya get whatcha neeeeeed ooooohhhhyea! rolling stones, (seen concert 2x) if anyone is confused by now,,,

here is my .txt
gulp.....................................................................................................................ready set go .................
isaw mary thru this whole thing, she acted strange to me and to kelly i saw her be rude ot kelly straightup i saw her lie staight up,,(about going to buy my clothes when she alreay had them)(about other things i cant remeber)she went out of her way to (or maybe not intentional_) but the result was this, on everyday there was at least the issue of waiting forher, she knew kelly was starving but only brought enough for dad,EVVEN tho she knew i had made a breakfest and already fed dad,,so daD WAS NOT HUNGRY SHE FORCED HIM TO EAT QIECHE WITH HOT SAUCE WHEN HE doesnt like hotsauce........OMGshe cooked soo much it was overbord and when she was over here on sat night i was sick and she brought all the kids and steve just playing the gutar and had dad attention while kelly was worried and i was dying to just sleep to get away from the hecticness,,she was drunk drunk drunk-minimized my illness and said kelly was scaring me-----------i just observered that she didd all she could to devert dads attention away from us and onto to her by joking and laughing and goodtimes sunday i was ready to say she will not be seeing me for at least alllong time,,i think shs selfish and always giving soo much to anyone who needs, as long as there is a connection or some bennifit now or in future she doesnt love her husbnd tony who is a good guyshe was rude to kelly straigh up,,and kelly said mary gave her a couple of bad looks from time to timeso that imeditally placed her on the "no good for my environment" list.then placd her oin the im soo fucking pissed off at her list,.tuesday nite =tonite i was awakened by kelly who just came homei took awhile to wake up.i smelled cigarette,,i HAD TO GET UP,,i wanted one,,bad,,,,,i slinked out front to have onekelly on the phone w/ shawny,kellly looked cute and heathly and like she felt ok- i heard her tell shawny that she will consider the school and ok,,this ok that,,but she said somehting that must not have set right with me,,because i listened to all the conversation from just kellys side,BUT i went off when i "thought i just heard commitmnet" IM GONNA NOT DROP OUT when JUST yesterday kelly explained the math to me, as far as cost/ debt of phoenix versus what she really wants to do which is doing what her mom is doing..radioligytech,, good $ and great reward for helping people/ i thought yea she has a focus and saw the happy from her saying that she really really can dig that.i interuppted the call with a what? who r u talking 2? ,,as more (i forgot what words ) but i felt more and more UNeasy about that call,,i was really taken back by just kelly side of the conversatoin, enuff to make me just" go off"i was rude and snaped hashly an i know its true ......i just was shocked and felt like we need to talk again,,,,i felt weird about it so acted hatefull,,but i FELT REAL WEIRDkelly says its me,,if its just me then why did i sense something,,I DID I DID,,really senced somehing and it's what set me off,,perhaps my comparison to karen,she used to come to me 4 advise, then after a while she went for advise elsewhere,then into elswheres BED.................
i recall my reaction was of WHAT THE FUCK? and more words and i took a drag from my cigarette, and (damed i cant recall) i was like what r u taliking about(freakin out)
,,Back to school???TO PHONEIX??but i.. ,,i thought we decided yesterday TO WAIT UNTILL AUGUST, OR ATLEAST THATs what kelly did say,," just YESTERDAY well its official i dropped out and they emailed the papers....................we r gonna go debt forgivness on loan at metro, then have untill august to find a way to get into what she really wanted 2 do,,(medical) which is cheaper quicker and we even tlked about how they sometimes pay, kelly siad "THINK A LITTLE DEEPER DEBI",,i talked to my mom and the criteria is too much and i cant do it,, 40hours schol and a week - so i didnt think deep enough, i feel like a fool and she really wants to do it,BUTWAIT...did not i hear from her own mouth, many times her dream is in leagal feild somewhere ? we agree "there is no justice" and atty isnt what she wants but the legal path was always her dream,, she wanted to move toNY and be a paralegal..which just NY changed,, and not the feild of study,, so to stay in school in phoneix is only ONLY way to get there,,i guess,,i mean im no expert in schooling,,im the least quilified,to give avdise - even said that yesterday,i think kellly just said medical because it semed quick and good moneyi think kelly wants to stay in legal,i think kelly should just go to phonix and do the masters deal that we talked about to be-fucking-gin with.... ---------------------------------------------but i heard her complain the othe day with all thats going on,,one nite aweek is not what it really is,its everynite of doing things to go to that ONE NIGHT AWEEKthen she also felt that she was car salesmaned into this position and felt UNSURE of phoniex ,i dont know,,i just go along but i bucked tonight and it turned into ,,ima cunt shes a bitch and we argued 4 ever,,enuff to ruien everything,,now we are breaking up as like the last time & time before that -but my heart is blank andnumb i dont....i hate to say that but im not sure if its true,, i do feeel numb tho, under the numbness is afraid feeling,,very very afraid,like i have to go back to work or we just cant make it PERIOD .. and i resent that............. i feel like i worked my fuckinfg ass off while sick in fever and for 3 fucking yrs and now im colasping and where -what plans- why- what r we doing? we are just this tiny bit faralong then what we should be,, why r we getting burned over and over and over,, seems like thats what happens when things are NOT natural -like we are walking thru sluge, and im tierd - getting nowhere fast and everyday is closer to doom,why sit here and watch the storm blow in and ripp down our whole universe, i was born,(damnit),i had 5 years from birth to age 5 - of security,,and then it ended ,(secuity)then never ever again have i ever felt secure,i think im just a fool who thought i could do whatever i wanted and i DID!! -- i got my job i wanted ,, ifought hard and worked hard for these things i lug because i have ra,,i cant have them????,,all must be sacrificed for what,, pay for a fuckin shot ? a pill? move to lower my rent ? all my pathetic life i only wanted a foundation,, i just wanted a place where love could grow and heathly days and happy days,,friends and family .....but this house is ruiened now, i hate my family now and ,i dont want it,,i could care less for anythinf so fuck it all,im just gonna do whatever for now,,probably wait to se about ssi and what i can get, 500.00 a month . kellys leaving me,,so ill be moving to a trailer park to commit suicide pretty disapointed in the family support noone can help im a burden noone can help me--noone can help me --,selfish my sister and (she never once came to checkon me wheni had shingles)SHE IS a liar and maipulative to say the least / we saw her flat out lie to us and my dadmy dad really loves me, but in a way thats "just debi in tulsa,,shell be ok,,,,," but not enough to say ill pay for your rent 3 months so you 2 can get it together or come to minneapolise to the mayo kelly had observered somethings that were true andits about my family and it hurts,m,im real sad that my daddy isnt the supernam i thought he was, like kelly said,,he didnt do anything when mary was minimizing my disease andhe didnt protect me when i needed it,,so i can only count on that because its the truth(even tho pointed out that school/colledge for his family but =my family MY WICKED wicked mother,,we got no doctor no food no health no clothes no future and no educaton - so im 45 now,,IM FUCKED and sickas shit who,what thefuckwhat the fuck,,,i never ever thoughid be inthispositioni emailed my dad, because i think the house is a no can do according to kelly without help we just cant do it,it took my income and wihtout my income - we just cant do it the end09/20/06
life pretty much has turned against me in my older years,,i wonder what i did to piss god off so bad? i dunno...............


Tuesday, September 19, 2006

i dont feel very good anymore

Sunday, September 17, 2006

sept.17th brief:
its actully sat.night BUT after midnite= IM HOME from the hospitial, i had to go because i was actully too weak& dehydrated, and felt my kidney or bladder or "something"was wrong - im very tired NOW- but heres what i looked like when kellys mom (a nurse siad it would be good to have me looked at if kidneys are the issue,,all symptoms were soooo KIDNEY

Friday, September 15, 2006

friday sept 15 2006 = im soooo tired i have to be breif, my dad came yesterday at 11.00 am flight fromMN,,he LOOKS great, im soooooooooo Xcited to se him*photo,,he just saw us off the plane,,his first look at us 3 ,,me kelly and mary went to get him , we allll were happy and perfect weather too,,cool and dry-
NOW today is friday,,im tagging this because i dont want to forget the pain fom this morning (8.15 am) i woke up in sever pain because alll my medicine wore off,,OUCHY
my organs hurt flesh soar couhing up stuff and very very weak and unabler to move from painfull joints -
this was hardbecause i dont want to miss one second wiht my dad, but i was placed back to bed, by kelly and my dad,,they said SLEEP MY DEAR!!,woke up again at 10.0 am. even worse- swollen, adn too painfil to even think about taking pictures,i thought about getting the camerA,,BUT i was too weak to say it and have kelly photo my condition-
Dad and kelly already swung into action, kelly called my doctor - descibed the symptoms =swollen eyelids -hurting kiney badder area- and painfull flesh,and elbows- hands- feet- shoulders -hips- all painful - they have a monday appt. for (cant remeber the name of test POST IT LATER) monday am test ..............................................
im tired cant write anymore,but soo much to write about,,i must do it later,,

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


TUESDAY!!!sept 12.2006 WHAT? ive lost time, i cannot belive that i have not posted,,i have been either OUT of it,tired OR using the time i do have and energy i do have on getting ready for the only person in my life who has known me thru.out all - MY DADDY IS COMMING HERE TO SEE ME on thrusday eve, i can go get him from tulsa international airport and see him and bring him here to our house (THAT he helped us get....) He will stay untill SUNDAY-until we take him back to his flight home minneapolis minnesota,,thats where i grew up - i have tried over and over to MOVE BACK , but something always got in the way - i ended up just staying here in tulsa - i fell inlove with computers in 1999- by 2000 i knew all there was to know and went out to the best place in this town to get a job and FOUGHT to get a job on the NETSCAPE SUPPORT DESK,,here's my old website that shows me and my 2.5 years of working there-

i lived on the net then (my AIM buddy list had overlike200people,,i still have that list and tt my netscape friends every now and then,,they did not know that i was sick,nor i, untill then END of 2001. Enter Kelly= i had a newyears deal at my apt. i had already lost my job at Netscape because i missed soooo much time, being sick in the end-and was actully in a flare and did not know it,, i was sick sick-sick- all the time,,and walking around day after day with fever and worries of why i was soo sick what was it? kelly got online and started asking me Q's about,,do u feel soar around your this or that?? then finally she sd*** I THINK I GOT IT- u mite have lupus,,based on all you show**** all she had seen and the malar rash,,JESH! gives it away! i never heard of such a thing ,,BUT wait,,YES i had,,, i never paid attention, YEARS ago i hurt soo bad in my right hip,,i had Xrays,,they THEN SAID WATCH- TEST -and see if i have LUPUS but i didnt go back -- i did NOT have insurance then,,i felt strong,,they were wrong,,i have never been sick and i expected to be superwoman until 80 yeARS OF AGE!!!!!
kelly helped me realize that something is wrong normal people just dont feel this way and dont have fevers and dont just get soo sick and bed ridden that u just dont know what to do,, hurting and crying,,shit,,ug bad memories,wheew! tufftimes too
we got thru it tho YEARS later- we r fighting a definate strong disease Rheumatoid Arthritis
and i still cannot belive that i have it,,im shocked ,,my family treee is so strong and noone has cancer or anything like this, sooo,,im the first,, i have no kids - i would not want to pass this on,,pray for those who have it,,painfree days are few and far between and life is not the same
BUT i still have have my people and my art and my home and cats,,so i oove this life and wouldnt trade,BUT if i could only just be with alittle money so i dont worrie about my paymnt every month or foosd and gas every month - its taking its toll and i found my first graey hair YES 1st grey hair yesterday.. i took picture but u cannot seeit,, BUT its a gray up front,,and im 45 almost 46 this october,, wow,,i feel 25 yes, and act 25..... i cannot accept my age,, or a grey hair --note,,list of things to do #1. color hair 2. dust heheeeeee
thankU Jamie, America, and Lin for emailing me soo much, and 4 reading these stupid misspelled and crazy boaring blogs,,BUT i love that u read it and i hope u get just something from it,, thats great! i just kinda let it all hang out here because i thought noone was looking -u see that i am a silly libra who has lived in lala and all her life,, i had to work hard and fight for all i have now, and fight is on to keep what i have,,including this home and my health and my lovesi want to live a productive and helpfull life and create as much art as possible before i die.. i LOVE art its what i live for ,,, i make stars that people just love,,i like them too,, i made them from noting - i love to create things,and grow things,, and help things,,thats me, debiM.

Image hosted by
by debramaddox
i weigh 106. and 5 feet 5 inches tall,,NOT good,im a skinnyminny and im trying to se what everyones talking about,,thats why i took this shot,,just how skinny am i?
(i feel fat)

Sunday, September 10, 2006

SUNDAYeve 7.00 pm sept 10th
our roomate is bailing on us,,,, she was in and out all day with her moving out,,(with barely a warning at the worst time possible) She has her reasons,, but it is hard for kell and i to do wihtout my income,now but she moving out too?!? what next?
i have been tired all day its high humidity-going to storm tonite and i am soo lethargic again today, i cleaned stephany's bathroom floor with bleach & mr.clean,, and stayed quiet today,,but i took alot of pics and i dont know why....
im going to bed early because im so tired - and i havent done anything to be so tired?

Saturday, September 09, 2006

saturday sept.09.2006 wokeup @ 7.30 am without a very.good nite of sleep, BUT im ok.
i feel better, my feet and left hip and hands are sensitive, but i feel better
I am out of space now at DROPSHOTS for pictures. I created a new place to take over for SEPTEMBER 09.2006 saturday.... the pictures are of RA most of all,,but i think I'll just throw everything up there......
the link

Image hosted by
by debramaddox

now as far as feeling good today,,YES i do, BUT it didnot last long , by this evening i had to "med-up" because my LEFT HIP hurts so F**king bad that i had no choice- i gotta take the pills,,,, i was buzy straighteneing this house up,, kellys been gone and i havent done shit around here for the past -dont know how long really- so i did alittle then watered the plants outside,,
they are really growing, i have this project bed ive been wrking on,,but i have to stop all the time because of the ra ...... if i spend too much time out there i will get sick for sure,,,
a pic of what ive been doing.... over these past months.....

i need to note that my dad is comming down here from Minnesota and he wants to see how ive been,, it was 2000 the last time i saw him and i was a manager of bebe at the mall (12 years of retail-then computers in 2000) then and doing just fine,,,2000 was a great year,, god i took my health for granite, and never ever thought need a Dr. or medicine ...why, i wonder.......................
im sure there is a reason for this but whatever

Friday, September 08, 2006

i feel pretty weak today, i was trying to get up and have a day! but i couldnt,,i mean,i just felt like i was hit by the bus,,heres a pic of me NOW it shows how lethargic i am

Thursday, September 07, 2006

THURSDAY september 07.2006 Today is a sad day - i jumped outta bed at 8.00am -thew a bottle in for the baby,,hurting feet and no meds,, went straight-away to feed "da baby "!
He was hungry, he took the entire bottle and he looks BIG, he grew again! *ohnoo.. his tail is going up and over,,like a real squirrel, this means hes ready for hardfood, and im not sure what to do........
WE called Forest Trails Animal Hospital again. - They said they can take care of him and even have the DR. look him over! i almost wouldnot let go,,,,butwe sat down and talked -took awhile, and then the lady at the desk said "are you ready?" then...... they...(2 nurses?) came over to get him outta the small pet caddy we had him in,,,, one nurse told us not to worry, i said he needs food now, hes hungry, and told her how long we have had him and that he,s tame >- not good but i tried to keep that distance,,hes just a baby,,they will do a good job then place him out on the preserve they have for animals like him.he will be with his own kind! im glad/

TODAY i went to have REMICADE @ 9.30am,, VERY-hard to get there by that time, but i did,, Dr.Malloy saw me today, they took my blood-they refilled my prescription for pred- they told me my case is Very active - and the plan now is REMICADE every 4 weeks to see if that helps,, (obvious they want to see if the remicade is even working for me)& same ol'10 ml prednisone in the mornings,,,, (i told the Dr. that i ReFuse to take more then 10 ml.on a daily basis) and LAST but not least .5cc of methotrexate on fridays. SOOooo,,, this is the plan & we can see what happens, *he wants to schedule a scan of somesort,,i really cant remeber,, their are 2 kinds of scans,,--cant remeber what its called but im sure ill write alllllll about it when i know what is going on,,, today was depressing because i had to say bye to a little squirrel that has been w/ me from sunday..kelly pointed out that i did a good job because ..he grew .. he ate , he was happy and no harm came to him,, she also pointed out that weellll,we ssaved his life and thats a good thing!
I weighed in at 106 today & it seems odd that they are not looking at that or acting like its a issue,,i LOOK emaciated and starving and ohwell,, i made them notice it, and he wrote it down,,,thats about it,,when i got home,i felt weak,,tired and could not do anything,, i slept,,then woke up for dinner that kell cooked, then i went back to bed, and fell asleep- i woke up again,,to do this,, at about 10.45 pmish,,like i feel alittle better now,its 11.18pm.. *Dyslexia is showing bigtime in this blog thru-out the whole,,i have noticed it but not fixed
most of the errors,, whocares right?
Another thing worth remembering is i asked the DR. about my wrist,,just asked "hey, is this a nodule???" pointing the the hump --he said no,,thats your wrist bone and everybody has one, i said well, mine is changing,,& it NEVER looked like this before,, he wrote it down. but told me mine is more definate then other wrist bones, mine looks mispaced actully,,BUT ITS NOT A NODULE - he said no , its not a nodule, ok,great!whew! ( i still think it is, we will see,,,)

thursday 2.20 am,,,i just woke up, BUT i had slept all afternoon, i started going down around 12.00 pm.,we had to pick up the dogs from the kennel this morning, i stayed with kelly while she took care of patsy's house, i just lingered and didnot really do much,,did not even take any pictures!
thats a sign that i am not all good, by 3.00 pm i became aware of wrists and elbows getting pretty bad in pain, my left wrist and that bump is really stressing me out,,left wrist is so weak and i have to keep it wrapped for protection. elbows feel like they are right behind my wrists...
I GO TO REMICADE at 9.30 am-this AM=...hope that fixes me,,because here it comes again!
(felt good 1 sun- 2 mon- 3 tues-1/2 wed starting to go down ) =3 1/2 from 7 days to feel good
and this has been a good week, better then most...
that bump looks like a Rheumatoid nodules just from looking o the internet about it,,and emails from friends who know are confirmimg as well,,, im scared

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

tues september 05 2006 = feel good today, yesterday (holiday) and today i have felt stong, and ableto get around, i spent yesterday and today at patsy's with kelly- i wasnt allowed to do much BUT being outside, in that garden just turns me on,,hahahaa, i feel so at peace there, and we are the ones who built that garden,,it has over 3 years of US working out asses off to keep it clean and maintained - and with littleor NO respect -just venting nevermind- things are changing now,,im nervous Stephany said shes moving out,,,she got back together with her looserGfriend,,whatever,,,so thats income NOW GONE feeling ok from sunday mon tuesday,,we found a squirrel (5weeks) and had to nurse him via bottle,,and search the internet on what to do,,we had NEVER done this before,,so the mother in me just kicked in,,sick or not,i make sure that baby squirrel is doing ok,,not to cold or not hungry.,,or not crapin' on himself,,
im so tired now and hve to shower then go to bed,, the air is dry and cool, i think this is a plus for RA, and i have been allowed to sleep in the am untill i naturally wake up when i am ready, (8.00am)
then im asleep at 10.00 pm,,so this makes a easy day and allowes me to recover,,BUT today i kinda went crazy, i planted alot ad moved plants from one area to another,,i had kelly dig BUT i picke dup and moved all those plants,,WHEW tired Goodnitesleepwellmaythelordwatchoverusamen.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

SUNDAY sept.03.2006
woke up at 8.00,whew i feel better,,im here (computer) so that means i do feel better,
my inflammed belly ismuch better this AM (doesnthurt) and my hands and feet r ok, while i sit here and
type alittle- slept well (took 3 Benadryl) aka Diphenhydramine and it helped to sleep well.

NEW thing to make note of....
this sux if its what is is,, MY wrist (left one) i have complained for 2 weeks now, about my wristpain,,guess what? i think i have one of those things they talk about -Rheumatoid Nodule
* i think they are called nodules YEP,,, on my left wrist bone _it sure may be one,,
LOOK= its BIG and i think either its a nodule OR its my writs splitting aprt,,because the bone pops UP and my right wrist is following behind,, LOOK how thick my wrist is, in the biggest pic ..that's not right, and it hurts ofcourse!
saurday september 02,2006
have not been well - too ill to come to the computer to blog
we have noticed a few things worth mentioning
1. my hair has stopped growing *last 2/3 months
2. my fingernails and toenails have stopped growing.*last 2/3 mnths
3. i have no scales in this house but i am loosing weight by the day,(probably109 now)
4. cant swallow - this is old issue,but always always here to bother me. taking acid controler from walmart,just generic I NEED to buy the Prilosec OTC- but god, i cant afford that price,it was 24.99 at walmart supercenter -no-can-do. i have no money tree growing.
5.i have been in a "flare" MORE then i have NOT (in odda-words im sick more then feel ok) since april of this year. Dr. hs moved up the remicade again,,now i go on sept.11th-ahhhh 9/11weird. Im doing 4 weeek intervals? WHOA heavy shit.
7.never make it thru the night without waking up. (not sleeping good)
8.lots of issues now with my female organs (my overy/falopians feel weird)*during any flare- i also get a heated-swollen-hurting uterus/abdomenarea l.sorry this is gross to talk about my uterus,-it gets so inflammed that my belly sticks out, swollen and painfull- i had to take pictures and a avi movie ofthis - because of the weirdness , i can post a sample pic (embarrresed tho) here........

very swollen and painfull belly /uterus area .
i weigh 109-110 and this belly just POPS up swollen and inflammed
this is the 2nd time in 2 weeks this has happened, i took pictures of the 1st time too,icould NOT belive how big my belly is,,and its painfull so i have to lay down duing the episode- last for ?? after good sleep ususally im ok-
9. i STILL have that thing going on with my left side lung-rib cage area,
*the Dr. said no biggy, but its called Costochondritis
it is there when i wake up then sometimes goes away, or i just dont feel it because of my pain.pills? has NOT gone away
my main concern is weight now,,i cant gain anything, i just want to sleep and thats it.
im going back to bed now,,i JUST HAD TO DO THIS before i go anylonger..