i feel extremely nervous and everything is stressing me out
i am noticing everything ..
this new drug is called vistireil and it works ok and no side effects that i have noticed.
i have to make it out to dr whitt's today at 1.30 pm,,BUT the car is acting weird again,, it studders and thebreaks are about gone..but im going anyways. if i break down,,i break down.
this week will be buzy for me, i have appts all thru out this week with family and childerns.
i have a sinus infection i believe..and i hav e to explain why im not filling the methotrexate prescription - i have to talk to dr whitt...i need to have her understand what the heck is going on. otherwise she just thinks im being uncooperitive and refuse medicine......
heres whats weird,,even if everything was normal now,,i still find a resistance on the methotrexate --im very very scared of this drug and would rahter be wiht RA then on that shit,,its CHEMOTHERAPY and i cant handel how i feel on it- it makes me soo sick for 2 weeks while starting it --it is so strong and its creepy nd i8 dont want to take it,,why am i being
labeled " uncooperitive "for not wanting to indulge in a drug that ive already spent along time on and all it did was make me sick ,,i cant handel my options,,im screwed on either side,,
either i take the metho and be sick ,,or i dont take and get attacked by RA..im jhust screwed and it stresses me out just thinkin about it,,i wonder if anyone else has bad time taking metho,,im google- ing that right now.
results :
I got sick just reading your post....bless your heart...I was just taken off mtx....my body couldn't handle it. So be careful and WATCH any and EVERY side effect that you may encounter and make them listen to you. Take care.....

for me,,i felt nausea,sensitive to any and all light sick wiht just a bad feeling for days,,only one day of the week was OK and i dont think it out weighs the hassel to take it...

havent been here at the computer 4 awhile..things were outta control and i had no energy to deal with anything other then survival.
im on this roller coaster ride and ive been trying get off of it.i just about crossed the thresh-hold of leaving and never coming back.
things got outta control and no matter what i tried,,nothing worked
and it sent me in to a manic state for days and days i was spinning.
i couldn't organize any of my thoughts -
i know i cant make any hard core decisions until my mind sees the truth and understands the truth, i feel like im now on that path.hoping.
i ended up back at family and children's services and accepted the diagnose and the drug,,anxiety drug for my manic state...its called vistareil and it is GREAT for me,,it does work and its none addictive and with out too many side effects.
i had my appt on Tuesday with Amy,,my case wrkr -- we composed a letter together with all my information and its to be signed by the doctor(shrink) and submitted to the SSDI- powers- that- be. this is a good thing and i feel like its the last effort we have for winning my case.
i lost ANOTHER tooth outta my mouth. lemme explain...
dentist Xrays show complete deterioration of my jaw bones,,so the teeth are wiggling and loose..i have no support and even tho im easy on my mouth i still lost a tooth from eating a cup of soup and crackers ... the tooth was a 1000.00 crown and post that when this wiggling tooth popped out - it had a peg on the bottom,,i didnt know it was a crown and peg,,i see now its gold under porcelain - so this is the Fourth tooth that has fallen out(im just horrified)
there is no help for my teeth until i get approved for medi-cade
also my feet are under attack (toes keep rolling and not staying in the joint..i keep loosing my babytoes,,they fall right outta the socket..they may need to be amputated ,,ohMYGOD how could this be happening to me and what does it all mean.
as far as home life,,its all sureal ,,i have calmed down and im not manic now,,but im on the razors edge and just a little bit of pressure will set me off.
this depression is deep and i need help.
i cant go in front of anyone,,or dont wanna mingle with anyone - im so embarrassed about my state OF BEING AND HOW IM FALLING APART PHYSICALLY.. ITS ALL SO SCARY
-----------------
i drempt that i was running from fire last nite,,and someone was chasing me thru the country side - and fire would come up from the ground and blow towards me,,i had to run like hell and then i saw a man walk into a bath tub and he disappeared,,i saw then that it was a trap/ secret door at the bottom of this ball/claw tub - it took him under ground,,i tried to follow but i woke up then.
i felt so weird when i woke up - i gotta look that up to see what it means.

i see that
this road im on is about to come to a deadend.

it happened again..this morning
saturday
she just went off and continued to grill me,, what the fuck is going on here
why do i not know this person at all,why is there a issue,i am sooooooooooo
cunfussed about this
infact its all soo weird and surreal
so again the cats are afrraid and ran to hide as soon as her voice was yelling and
i just looked at her and walked outta the room,
i came to the front to breath,and here comes the yelling
i need to think and to understand and i cant -- i dont understand any of this and why is this happening
what all did i hear her say ??
1 i am crazy
2 shes sick of my negitivity
3 i didnt get her tampons(she said dont,now im in trouble for it)
4 i honestly cant even think of what she said cuz none of it is any good
wheni write it down it seems frivolus and un important, but to live thru it its awful and heavy and very crule. i am not5 understanding this at all
very crule very cold
im not about to say anything tho because it doesnt do any good - i have all this in my heart and its not helping me at all,,i have all of it right here
in my heart and my heart is broken.

what is
IWALWTWS please advise asap,,,thank you sooo kindly for the kind message again, please,, thank you very very much

( looking pretty bad these days )

thank you for the comment, anonymous =
As Eve LaPlante discusses in her book, Seized, the intense emotions, sensory experience including vibrancy of colors, and particular mental state provoked by temporal lobe abnormalities may have contributed to the creation of significant works of art. A number of well-known writers and artists are known, or in many cases suspected to have had temporal lobe epilepsy.........
TLE is very very serious thing and i see sooo many ppl with such terrible conditions and i think im lucky that i "only" have RA, BUT you know what?? its all B-A-D and its all life stealing
i used to have a life,,i used to laff and enjoy people,,now im scared to be around anyone - i cant come to terms with whats happening to me..i cant because my foundation is not stable and how can i build my "house" when my foundation is so shakey?
ive been realllly very heart broken and depressed / last nite i was just doing all the regular things when kell snapped again and i just could not bear hearing how i am not doing what she wants / she gets so damn mad at me and just yells and im... i dont know...
i try so hard and its never good enuff.
i am sinking into a deep depression. i couldnt sleep last nite. i havent called my mom all week because im so depressed and feel like i dont have anything good to say. i dont wanna gripe -hell, i dont wanna even think of anything bad or negitive
kell is miserible at the job and doesnt like going to work at all.
i want a job so bad, somethnig that i dont have to get all cleaned up and wear high heels
because i cant do it - unfortunatly my knees and feet are going thru RA badly the past few months. they hurt always. but i dont complain about it so people just act like i cant run all over the city and do everything all damn day long ...every single step on my feet hurt .
i was on 15 mg prednisone (as per the doctor who is NOT a rheumaologist)to stop it,, but i could not sleep or even think straight so i just cut it back to ten mg days ago,,,then ,, then today im starting back on 5 mg - i cant handle this prednisone at all..
i had an appt over at the family and childrens services,with a case manager named amy and shes nice,,, young tho - but smart. not patronizing thank god ...
i was just discussing my situation and i just became unglued by talking about it....
i started to just let it all out but i didnt make any sense- told her i cant keep on going like this and im just about 2 inches away from really going INSAne.
i told her im very mad now and upset because ... because nothing makes any sense to me any more,ive been living in a superficial world and now,,now everything is showing itself to me...like how there really is no such thing as LOVE and how we may be living a lie BY thinking its all going to be ok but its not,and nothing really matters-i dont even know why im alive and what good i am doing except hogging up air? ive lost my faith in jesus and in all that religious stuff is a lie...there is no life after death, isthere? no,,i dontthink so,,i think life is a crule joke.
basicly i think "i am my job" and i have no job, so im nothing.period.
ive lost who i am and i cant find me anywhere... i am having a hard time with everything,i just hate looking into ther mirror ,,i dont like what i see... i got really old all of a sudden. my hair is awful. my face is awful and i dont know how anyone could ever love me..its like im old and worthless my personality has changed and my opionins have changed.
i dont have any sense of humor anymore- who the hell am I??
OK.. ok.. ok so this is how ive been feeling inside.
questioning my life value , and other huge questions like" is there a God? "
my little halfsister kelly biwer in minnesota had a baby girl ,and none even told me -that just showed me how they have placed me into the "whatever" pile.
i feel numb and like i have a punch in the stomach. i just dont have a good feeling about any of it. i need someone to trust and to talk to -- someone who doesnt judge - someone who can understand how serious this all is to me

modern science catching up with ancient knowledge (planet X is comming back around to see us again)

from the year 2000 - i called it the "bic lighter" generation.
meaning , if its "out", just throw it away and buy another - replace everything including friends and other relationships. no one knows what longevity means anymore -
i have thought this from the year 2000 when i studied the behavior of everyday folks in everyday relationships and situations.
i saw this artical today and was releved to see that its a valid opinion and its the dang truth :
Our Lives Are Filled With Worthless Crap That's Destroying the Earth
Now nearly everything is produced in China and made to be discarded. According to a 2008 report by the Economic Policy Institute, the United States imported $320 billion in Chinese goods in 2007. In that year alone, this country imported $26.3 billion in apparel and accessories, $108.5 billion in computers and electronic products, and $15.3 billion in furniture and fixtures from China.
The manufacture, distribution and disposal of an ever-growing mountain of short-lived consumer goods has taken an enormous environmental toll. Annie Leonard’s website “The Story of Stuff,” which has garnered more than 7 million views in less than two years, has helped spread awareness of that cost far beyond the usual environmentalist circles.
source
http://www.alternet.org/story/144204/our_lives_are_filled_with_worthless_crap_that%27s_destroying_the_earth%3A_here%27s_what_you_can_do