Wednesday, December 31, 2008

im Up and its wed 6.30 ,,trash day,,(kelly hauled it all to the curb for me)
i have to write about last night / from another get-together all of kellys people,,(i have no-one in tulsa except mary-tony and the kids/last night was don and nancys 57ht anniversary of marriage,WOW ..thats cool-we all went to bishops to eat,it was nice (but i didnt feel good at all,)
i ate roastbeef and mashed potatos and chocolate pie.
i am so glad to see a marriage actually last so long.

Monday, December 29, 2008

well its monday,dangit!
~its a short week for kelly,cuz at noon on wed she is outta there for another spell of time off w/pay!
i woke up at 4.30 and had RA so bad i went ahead and took my 15mg of prednisone and my 20 mg of lexapro ------------------
I feel better now at 6.45 am,,,and that alarm is going off (hate that alarm).
Ohboi star grew sa'more during the nite,she looks alot bigger this morning.
my tongue had RA in it for 3-4 days - it was red and swollen- no telling why or whats going on to make this go away,,this morning it feels better (darvon?)
yesterday-i missed all the fun over at ng and joys house= i could not swallow very well,or use my mouth,i could only eat ice cream because the cold felt good on my throat and tongue and belly too,,,--WHY did this happen ? it didn't feel like i burned it ,it was sore and hurt to move and swallow...... and my swallowing was difficult/
AWWWW i stepped on babystar, she let out a squeel like ive never heard before,,bless that tiny creature (god we juz love her)

Sunday, December 28, 2008

shes always in front of me,,,

ive been hiding,,i mean i have not been feeling good at all, i am having a hard time paying attn.
and staying awake today is a damp and cold day.coldand muggy.
wth all the family things going on right now,,i really suck, cuz i cant stay awake or keep going all day like every one else-(scared i mite be somewhere and have a burst of " omg- gotta go lay down now" at someone s house and it would be embarrassing.i am having a hard time in my organs again,,my stomach is inflated and tuff --i swear this is where we joke about my "alien baby" i look pregnant - its RA in my organs,i get the same thing about once every three months or so,,i have AVIs of it happening about a year ago and we filmed it for proof ppl always say i exaggerate so i wanted proof i wasn't "beefing up the details"
this is when my organs hurt and i have to lay down , i feel shaky and disorientated - i look pregnant and its a alien

7-8 months along in just 1 day

Saturday, December 27, 2008

our weather this day (sat)
im soooooooooooooo tired,i have been asleep most of this day.
tinas here w/ the kids,,,awww they are so cute
yesterday(friday) kell was off work, so we did something,,cant remember,
see how under the influence i am,,jesh no drive-car for me.
ive been staring at this for hours now,,all ican say is how c-u-t-e-

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

i feel surreal -im cold and my poor neck (thats about it for now).
tina's comin' next sat, so ive been trying to get the house in shape..
its in the middle of the night ,a dream woke me up,i had to check out the weather
its very very windy, always reminds me of tornado's
bless this house and all who live in it-in the name of jesus! Amen.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

what the cats want to do-so funni
~the sun is rising right now as i type~
the weather is warmer..not so bittercold this early morn.
these cats are sooooo dang loud,they woke me up playing -when i got outta bed-they all went crazy like its time to party!!!woohooo,,star is zipping across the floor and elvis is beating up scottyboobear.....
all i hear is hissing and runing and meowing all loud and crazy like!!! god,i luv des katz...
look at how star has grown:

awww the "baby"star

wow,, big yawn

pose 4 pictures

lazy for about one second
awww shes growing so fast,dont do that!star.shes so little.

Friday, December 19, 2008

lookin like jimjones jus kiddin
whoa GREAT STUFF about ufos
i see kelly's in bad mood this am=ohhappyday!lalala.
OK GOOD shes over it -she wants to smoke a cigarette and thats the isssue,,we really struggle to stay off cigarettes with all the stess and stuff,, ive smoked all my life and now i dont,,its weird,
i always want to smoke one tho((( Marlboro dreams)))thats just wrong!
well,,tina and the kids are comming to stay with us -and that will be fun-We like that,,
tina's cool and the kids are not a bother at all,,they have manners and have super personalities ,,we jus luv em ---------------------------------
i have a 2 o'clock appt. w/ my new doctor,i cant wait to point out my aching neck,,,i think Xrays should be taken,,cuz i bet my spine (neck) will show damage.
IM baaa-aaack,,from pickin'up kelly at noon,, and we went together to the doctor (second visit) we met the doctor, shes nice and i thinn shes gonna find a rheumuy ,,i think..she said shes gonna try and agreed i need one badly..but im not gonna take all the remicade or methootrexate cuz its poison,,i dont know what to do really....
she looked at my nodules and my neck i asked what to do to prevent it from deteriorating,she said i can exersize and keep a good posture,,i said:"i grew up in ballet and gymnastics,,which is true,,i took ballet as a kid ((((was even in a performance aired on public television ..i was about seven yrs old or so --i should se if i can get that from archives on public TV website)))
in my my twenties i studied ballet here in tulsa,,i paid for my classes and just went becuse it was so much more ME- then just working out at some ol' YMCA gym. i absolutly loved dancing
i went dancing at least 4 X's a week,(wow lookin back,,all that energy i had) i was in shape and strong and healthy ((never expected RA to come into my life))
,,im super tired and i need to rest..its been a looong day, this friday.
i thank God for all i have and pray for world peace and comfort to all.(even the bushs)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

this lil cutie named star.
I was hard working and dedicated to my job when all of a sudden, everything changed.
i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.
Now i cannot work or do much of anything,,and im young. I cannot get treatment for rheumatoid arthritis because i have no insurance, because i cannot work. this is a vicious cycle that has to be stopped. I i should not have go thru all this pain from rheumatoid arthritis and have NO treatment,,i only get more depressed when i think of this,,i used to be very active and fun. Now I'm sad and in pain and going crooked in my joints -this is just not fare to me at all
..this is what i sent into "" they are asking everyone whats most important for Obama and America's recovery -my answer was number one economy- number two is health care for all, number three was ??cant recall,, END THE WAR
of course god,how could i forget that !!!!!!!!!!most important!and NOW the results are in,
i was close and picked all they have
results NOW:

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

hands = see that damage?
i accidenly took too much pred
im passed out here=the baby sleppin witMe!awwww

my lil black shadow
waaaaa??? 3.30 pm post? wow thats diff....
its because i accidently took 15mg more extra of my pred ,,,so im speeding my head off,,ive been wandering the house tring to do what i can for Xmas decorations .....ive managed to collect some christmas things overthe past few years,,because like i said before ..all of my beautiful,,very VERY VERY expensive stuff for chruistmas all (glup) was stolen when we got roobbed years back,,heart pounding,,tear,,OhNO,,not the memories of that,,i ALWAYS get a punch in my gut and feel my heart just pounding double time ...klonipin please! -im telling ya,,i had some effing great halmark christams everything,,and that shit is EXPENSIVE and collectors stuff,,my tree was classic and on a golden scrolled platform a and absulutly beautiful in a classacal way- quality stuff --NOTHING from wallmart,,all department store items,and VERY expensive,,(already said that) ok im in a ad moood now,grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

i love my family

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

i remember this lil cute lil baby we saved..ohh how cute
she thinks shes hiding,,thats SO cute (she does this alot)

i slept soo much and i felt good BUT i realize today i have 2 see tracy the shink at nine am.
Im scared,im always scared to tt a shrink.cuz i they can see thru our clothes right down to our naked-ness,,and im embarrassed about my naked-ness,i AM!
i dont want to show that,,and thats probably my whole effing problem,,is not wanting to be ME-
i guess i just dont like me,,,,,,,,so sad.
i think im a spaz !
unable to pay attn. im a fool that needs way way more just a klonipin - i need ..? ...? be able to act and visit w/people calmly (not like the way i do,so hyper) I HATE HOW HYPER I AM,but one benefit is the high metabolism- has allowed me the pleasure of donuts donuts donuts,,,,and i didnt have 2 worrie about my weight,,in fact: i needed to gain some weight.
but now im 117 pounds nand have to stop right there ~NO more weight..or i wont have jeans to wear~
my friend gloria who is working with RA and doing OK except she has RA in her EYES too--shes the only other person who has ever said anything about RA being in a weird place,..i say
i have RA in my eyes((((i told kelly i have RA in my eys a YEAR ago)))
but its not the same as g's RA in her eyes (she has a name for her eye condition)
i become very blurry and my vision goes to double ,,i see two of everything,,and all is so damn blurry - so i have 2 of things i have no idea whattheyare.....and i feel like my vision is better after alot of sleeep..i swear i have RA in my eyes! that just sux! ((oh and my lazy eye gets real bad when RA is attcking me)RA is so unpredictible,U just never know what the day is gonna be like,,am i OK or not? i get up take my meds,,i have backed off the darvon ALOT cuz i want to monitor the pain,,i cant tell whats goingon if im on darvon ,,, pain is a signal we must pay attn to,,,thats why we have pain -- its a warning,,an attn getter,,,ya know? so i must see just how bad my neck is/what my hands & FEET feel like.

OMG myneck is BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~after i took kelly to wrk i thougth how am i gonna make it to tracie's? my NECK is KILLING mE so badly , so i came back here,,t0 regroup and see what i was going todo,,i called in to tracie and rescheduled,,i cannot take this neck,,i am so worried about my hump on my neck (swelling of the bone/ spine area) i did a google search of hump on neck and i got" black eyed peas"(funni)
and i got this too,,,,
a duwagers hump,,i never heard of itbut ive seen it on older folks,(bless their hearts)
scary, im afraid of maleforming -its scaring me.
Neck Pain
Inflammatory Diseases
The vertebral column.Rheumatoid arthritis can destroy joints in the neck and cause severe stiffness and pain. Rheumatoid arthritis typically occurs in the upper neck area.


Cheney applauds Obama's choice of national security team this headline JUST gets me going because DUH! barack has an IQ UNlike the current president,,and i NEVER EVER respected the bush's to all him or his dad,president i call him/them bush,,((or freaks)and i am glad they thew a shoe at him,,those sandle slappin iraqi's are crazy!

also ID like to be the FIRST to say i ALREADY see people in politics who are speaking to crowds tring to emulate..OK COPY the presdsident elect barackobama ..they r using his
"let me be clear" line all the time,,i cant stand it .. total copycats and we hate copycats and SNITCHES too...damnit

Monday, December 15, 2008

i cant belive i did not post anyhting today,,its TOO cold and i cant move right when its this cold,! i will fall,,i drop things and RA really doesnt like the cold,,it makes it worse --it hurts me and my flesh ( weird but true)
im from minnesota,,i grew up in the cold,,never has it bothered me,,infact i preferred the cold over heat any day,, make up stays on better and hair styles up alot easier ,,its just the R A making me hate the cold,,i become so sensitive of the cold i have to wear my hat scarf and gloves inside, thats alot of extra weight on me,,so i get tired just walking around,,i am better off just sleepin and thats what i did toady,,i slept like ther e was n tomorrw,(guilty feeling) BUT that sleep made me MUCH more able to ditch the coat inside the house tonite,,i really hate the cold weather now,,

Sunday, December 14, 2008

these 2 are the ones who wake me up everymorning....

sunday morning,,i woke up cuz 2 furry creatures were playing on me =how do they know its 6.00am,,they know its time to wake me up,(cute)
i really gotta be more productive today,so i dont get depressed,i didint do anything yestrdy and i feel real guilty about that.
i have alot i should do today (sunday) its a nice day,,i woke up and it was like no pull over,,no shoes needed,its warm and my RA is at bay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no real issues,so i wanna decorate for christmas then since i feel OK - its all organized downstairs and i think alittle chirstmas feeel will be nice,,did i ever tell you about my trunk full of beautiful chirstmas stuff ive saved for al;l my life,,it all got stolen from me when i first met kelly and got real sick from RA(didnt know)
it was all packed so nicely in a old antique steamer trunk -it ws so upseting to me,it gave me shingels and i had to go to the hospitial,,they said at the hospitial, that i was the youngest and could they please take pictures of my shingelsfor student to study,,,and also,,could the students come in to observe i was soo in pain i said i didnt care what happened,,just get rid of these shingels,,
HEYKELLY JUST woke up now,,its a very warm morning today!
i see my "obsessions" are NOW getting some attn inthe headlines AOBUT TIME!!!i have been hollaring about this for ALONG TIME now (((( (im obsessed w/posse and codex (food))))VIDEO: Lou Dobbs Show on Martial Law, Posse Comitatus

Saturday, December 13, 2008

click to enlarge to read

really very weird,i wonder why the news has not reported on it,,,
im having a very bad stomach ache all day today / we havent done much other then be bums(guilty)
windy today,,and i feel creepy - kinda menopausal ish,moody,and lazy and all those other negitive things. i pray for peace.

Friday, December 12, 2008

my camera sux because i dropped it (ofcourse) with stiff hands from RA-i didnt have good hold-it fell to the ground and the iris took a blow and has a crack soo it doesnt work so well with the focus and all. these do not show my fingertip splits very well
my left paw
my tiny star

i wish i'd see a UFO dangit! seems like everyone sees them but me,,and im the believer.
i reaaaaalllly see alot of UFO and alien stuff on TV and in the news and in adds like att / beer/CNN /larry king live,,you got the UFO hunters on history channel,,( love that show ) im saying its the UFO ufo disclosure going on slowly but surely right in front of us. i love aliens,,i do, except id just shit if i saw one!
its almost 11.00am im getting sleeeepy,,i tt colin B. on the phone for awhile-and helped him w/ a issue with a loan.
kelly's off at noon.
i want to get stuff done like clean up the front bedroom,,its a disaster,vacuum,scrub and clean the basement up-but whew,,that makes me tired just thinkin about it,,maybe later,,,my fingertips have splits in them again,,they are intense with pain, i have tried all the remedy's again,, bandaids- vaseline and -medical tape wrapped,,but i know this routine by heart now- its gotta run its course and it will go away in days meanwhile,,ooouuwwwiiee,must be some kind of skin deal,,like a fungus or something,,no ones ever seen anything like it- the splits appear on tips of every other finger and they run deep like bad paper cuts on your fingertips,,,,i do believe it is connected with the ra somehow? just like my collar bone that hurts and my back spine,,all very weird things and im so sure its related 2 RA

Thursday, December 11, 2008

its thursday i woke up feeling OK because i slept soo much yesterday.i tell ya,,its the cure-sleep,,,i feel RA in my feet when i walk but my neck is not as bothersome as usual,. kell was at school last nite-i just slept b/c my neck hurt so bad from falling down the day before.

almost 7.00am,, i gotta go help get kell going ..she has not woken up yet,OMG! its late!AH!
OK - i'm back from dropping off kelly downtown,and its COLD out but the sun is shinning and thAT makes ALL the difference ... my RA is OK for now,,i see i had someone leave a message on one of my posts, about neurotion drug,,he said the same thing i did-no way no good-
makes ya sleep even more then when you have RA (ra makes you tired anyways)
neurotin drug is used for controlling epilepsy and i read that prednisone and neurotin are not good together and prednisone is my priority,,i mean im hooked on it,,i cant discontinue it-pred.- if i wanted to. i have to taper off and it will take a long time,,i am down to 15 mg a day ,,im going to get down to 5 mg if i can help it,,,this new year,,,if im allowed the SSDI,,i can rest then in peace and not be so dang stressed out // just thinking about my court date stresses me out,OMG butterflys in my stomach right now! * i pray for favor thru jesus christ amen.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

good morn all u RA people! im in a weirdmood,,real draggy and unmotivated for anything- the pics above were just taken,,i fell down yesterday,and got hurt - let me start a the begining tho, i picked up kelly from her work at noon cuz they all get half a day off instead of what they got all the years before,,((( a costly christmas party and bonus and days off )))) this year they are sapossed t o be glad they have a job! and they all got half a bonus and the half day offf,,big deal,but hey we r thankful (to a degree)
i was really out of it yesyterday the weather changed drasticly,,its SOOO COLD NOW and im stiff and thats why the fall,,,on my kitchen floor i took a step and wooosh i slid and tumbeled down to the floor - kelly was on the pone with patsy so she didnt hear it ((it was a loud fall)
i hurt my kneee and elbow and hand... my RA in my spine hurts,,the fall kicked in the RA in to full attack on my spin neck area....i do have RA in my spine I DO,,i didnt think that could be possible,,but im telling you,i have RA in my spine and in , eyes --there are no joints there, but i feel RA in my eyes and in my neck-spine. i DO

wed eve: i woke from my nap, at 3.00pm,i did not want to wake up either,I'm really hurt from the fall yesterday,my knee is swollen and sore= and im tender all over -feels like just fibromyalgia which Doctor Wise (saw for over a year or so,while med.insured) Dr Wise said i display all the symptoms,,i just deny it tho,,,i tried to deny RA for aLONG time before i gave in and let Kelly drag me to see a doctor to get checked out,,she knew (she suspected i had LUPUS and so did a doctor in 1998) Kelly comes from a very medical background , she has worked in the medical world and started working w/ppl disabilities and also she was a supervisor at a children's home (the youngest member on the staff but by far showed competence and ability to deal with troubled kids placed in these homes
at a young age of twenty something-her moms joy and Angela are both long time nurses,,joy is doing special home health i think,,and Angela is a nurse that gives you that dang dye to drink and shoots the pics of a scanner thingy,,i had one done 2 yrs ago,,i cant remember what they are called,,,c.t . scan something ??? i still have my huge Xray from that thing, i drank crap and lay still while they photo'd my chest and my guts ..... ahh here's a picture of the scan;
its a huge pic when you click on it. i feel weird about showing my insides online, its really not very sexy at all,,nor is RA dang it,,i have not felt "sexy" in years, i wonder if its the RA (i feel.... Abby-somebody,Abby-normal...) i don't feel like showing up in public anymore,i don't wanna run into someone i know at the grocery store,AKA walmart
i want to improve myself ,,,I'm extremely vain-shame on me,,

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

hi,i need to blog,,its like blister that needs to be popped,, a itch to scratch, a fix, a must do or else!!! OMG im addicted to blogging,,i hate that word blog itt sounds like a thing you'd find in a swamp ,,or a garbage can. heheeeee im strange they say,,i know i am,,i freak my own self out continuously, i have been trying to see what i do all day ,how i spend my time,,and when i feel like i gotta lay down ..when why and what was i doing and thinking--before the i need to lay down -
i am trying to heal myself,,and if i dont pay attn. i cant do it.
i am going to make a promise to yoga/meditate each and everyday- it only takes a hour and it does so much good-
now i wanna write about my Tuesday session w/ my shrink (tracy)
shes nice, i like her, she is real good at keeping me on track- i cannot believe im seeing a shrink to begin with,,its sooo strange,but God has placed me on this path,,and i must face my demons NOW its time,,god is preparing me for something
i have to wake up spiritually and mentally or i will get left behind- i dont want to be left behind.
TODAY is a specail day, wheni came in here to wake up,,i found a note from kelly,,she wrote how much she is happy and feels like everything will be OK,,i feel like that too,,we r OK as long as we got each other...we r each others support and we got each others back,,,i have a very rare and unique beautiful friendship here and i believe it was formed thru God's blessing and its only become stronger and more of a "foundation" that i say i NEED ever so badly.thru talking to my6 shrink i realize now that i have learned how to pay attn to what i am doing, i never ever would want to hurt anyone or be cruel or just plain ol mean to anyone - including mean to myself.
now i gotta go gather up all my gold jewelry and send it to a place on TV thats gonna promise to send back money,,HAHAHA ,, that commercial gets me everytime..i laff at it,,what fools to send off gold in the friggen mail. ((((oh and i see they r trading guns for food ,,just like i read would happen as they try to de-arm us i read all the underground sites and they are always 2 steps ahead of mainstream)))
this lil tortious shell kitten i found serching in google-looks alot like our lil starbaby ---cute lil' face
star and elvis all cuddled up on this very cold afternoon and eve.
this pic shows the cute-ness of star's lil' profile 0h,shes Tooo cute!