Friday, December 29, 2006

late friday nite, its raining and has been for hours now. (weird weather)

i saw something alarming in the headlines ,im sure its the end,it has to be,,

Massive ice shelf collapses into sea
(Dec 29, 2006)
A giant ice shelf the size of 11,000 football fields has snapped free from Canada's Arctic, leaving a trail of icy boulders floating in its wake.
The mass of ice broke clear from the coast of Ellesmere Island, about 800 kilometres south of the North Pole.
Warwick Vincent of Laval University, who studies Arctic conditions, travelled to the newly formed ice island and couldn't believe what he saw.
"It was extraordinary,'' Vincent said yesterday, adding that in 10 years of working in the region he has never seen such a dramatic loss of sea ice.
"This is a piece of Canadian geography that no longer exists.''
The collapse was so powerful that earthquake monitors 250 kilometres away picked up tremors from it.
Scientists say it is the largest event of its kind in 30 years and point their fingers at climate change as a major contributing factor.
"We think this incident is consistent with global climate change,'' Vincent said, adding that the remaining ice shelves are 90 per cent smaller than when they were first discovered in 1906.
"We aren't able to connect all of the dots . . . but unusually warm temperatures definitely played a major role.''
The ice shelf actually broke up 16 months ago, but no one witnessed the dramatic event.
Laurie Weir, who monitors ice conditions for the Canadian Ice Service, was poring over satellite images when she noticed that the shelf had split and separated.
Weir notified Luke Copland, head of the new global ice lab at the University of Ottawa, who initiated an effort to find out what happened.
Using U.S. and Canadian satellite images, as well as data from seismic monitors, Copland discovered that the ice shelf collapsed in the early afternoon of Aug. 13, 2005.
"These ice shelves can break up really quickly, perhaps more quickly than we thought they could do in the past,'' he said.
"Within an hour we could see this entire ice chunk just disconnect and float away.''
Within days, the floating ice shelf had drifted a few kilometres offshore. It travelled west for 50 kilometres until it finally froze into the sea ice in the early winter.
Derek Mueller, a polar researcher with Vincent's team, saw that Ellesmere's Ward Hunt Ice Shelf had cracked in half in 2002. He also saw that sea ice, which creates a buffer zone around ice shelves, was approaching lower and lower levels.
"These ice shelves get weaker and weaker as the temperature rises,'' he said. "And the summer of 2005 had a combination of high temperatures and strong winds that probably blew the sea ice away, making this ice shelf much more vulnerable.''
The Ayles Ice Shelf, roughly 66 square kilometres in area, was one of six major ice shelves remaining in Canada's Arctic.
They are packed with ancient ice that dates back over 3000 years, and scientists like Vincent treat their loss as a sign that the global climate is crossing an unprecedented threshold.
"We're seeing the tragic loss of unique features of the Canadian landscape,'' he said.
"There are microscopic organisms and entire ecosystems associated with this ice, so we're losing a part of Canada's natural richness.''
Meanwhile, the spring thaw may bring another concern as the warming temperatures could release the ice shelf from its Arctic grip.
Prevailing winds could then send the ice island southwards, deep into the Beaufort Sea.
"Over the next few years this ice island could drift into populated shipping routes,'' Weir said.
"There's significant oil and gas development in this region as well, so we'll have to keep monitoring its location over the next few years.''

this year is almost over, i am feeling slightly better- i have been testing myself to see where i fall in endurance. I see a PATTERN> if i get up at 6.00 am,,then by 6.00pm im dead tired, and im thru.

*this is even if i have done nothing ..(like messing around back here in the computer-room) means nothing.*

Thursday, December 28, 2006

we spent christmas with this group ..( joys family who we like very much.)

omg its been forever,,because ive not been feeling very comfortable in my own skin lately .
i mean i have "the blues" and have no energy and christmas wore me out to visit people.
*we had no money so we had basicly no christams,,BUT we accept the fact that we CAN PAY OUR BILLS, so thats been dubbed "our christmasGift" and we r thankfull for it!
december ends with us NOT kicked out of our home ,,and i have one more month of insurance,,
so,,, in all its been a stresssfull ride,,probably why i cant get better when im always friggen worried about the next bill and dollar,,GOD its enuf to RA anyone!

............NOW we must begin to worrie about JANUARY2007..........................

Saturday, December 16, 2006

me 2day dec 16th and its 70 degrees- cant complain!
me in 2001-2002...............

slight change huh?

saturday,,things seem to be stable 4 now- kellys gone thru a whole week at her new EXELLENT job,,working down town wihtthe big-wigs,,she fits right in and im sooo happy....ive been hurting bad with ra,,my hands, hips and feet are real sensitive ,,ive been testing my self to see if i can go back to work,,like i stayed up and going from 6.00 am do lite work around house call people deal with cutting off certin luxuries tat are not justified for now-by thursday i was in full flair and slept alllllday,,i felt so guilty for sleeping i never give me permission to be sick or not up to par,,why am i so mean to me,,???

in this picture,,im freeezing cuz im reeeeeeaaall tired,,but WOW my hair,,its been over twenty years..that ive had this long of hair..its freakin me ,,

my hands hurt now,,so im off the keyboard now,

Thursday, December 14, 2006

dec 14th and kellys at school,,im tired and board,,i do feel somewhat more hopeful today,im not sure if its because i slept hard last nite for the first time in quite some time,,i do feel better tho, i have to remember how almost close to the edge i was and recall how it all goes back in place, and people just deal with whatever they get .. its like this,,ive been with ra for some time,and tried all the cures and medicines and still not better,,in fact im worst,, depression doesnt help either/ i miss social activity like WORK,,.,,god i miss working,,it gave me a purpose i should dedicate the next few months on a painting or some kind of artistic creation to express how i feel.

it would be just a black canvas,,bad idea/


i need to just quit all the ra stuff and rest rest rest,,then i can go back to work as soon as i can manage to stay awake and maintain for 40 hours a week,,im in a test now,,and today i failed,i HAD to lay down,, hell,,yesterday i feel asleep accidently,,i did alittle bit of straightening and bam..out like a lite..and i hate to fall asleep during the day,its depressing,i hate to wake up,, ,,i just want to stay awake or sleep forever,,but i cant keep going to sleep then waking up ,,it hurts to wake up .,.

it hurts to eat food too ,,i cant swallow very well im stillloosing the weight because i cant swallow,,

im ina trap or a bAD DREAM


Wednesday, December 13, 2006

i think this is beautiful and its about christmas.......................................................

my ra has been bad in my hips and hands, and the doctor said my knuckels are "spongy" eeewwww, ick

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

things have turned for the worse possibly loosing this house ,,cant go on like thi,,im selling things to compensate,and begging for help from everyone

(i feel like a real looser)

wish someone would just put me out of everyones misery
and another thing noone wants to hear about my litiney of problems / everyone has their own issues to deal with is going on with planet earth,,hello,!!! is anyone noticing that this world is falling apart? and no one cares,,whatashame

Sunday, December 10, 2006

not so good past few days,,went to remicade on friday, thats all i can say for now
there will be no xmas here, thats fersure!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

trying 2 b christmas around here,,kinda hard to do when allll my christmas beautiful things were stolen and ill never be able 2 look at orniments and trees now without totally feeling depressed and like well,,,there goes about 2 grand in all hallmark collection of orniments from uss enterprise starship to my fav = beatles all complete hallmark on stage w/paul in front singing,,damn it damnit,,may those theives die athousand times painfl- for stealing my baby jesus things,, really bothers me to this day,hell,,when it happened i went into somekinda somptin',,i ended up with shingles (ouchy) on me and in the hospitial from the depression of it all happening to me,,, cant belive some one stole my baby jesus things - the nerve

Monday, December 04, 2006

dec 04 2006 tonight i received a package from my dad in minnesota who has been to egypt. Inside i found a bottle of water from the NILE and SAND from where the pyramids are. Also a parchment with akhentatens face,my favorite egyptian, and also egyptian headdress and and actual paice of the BIG pyramid- ths was like incredible stuff i just kept digging out more things and we were like OHH,,OMG!

*lord has truely blessed me now

Friday, December 01, 2006

DEC 1 2006 it snowed!
set a snowfall record and the headlines read:
Tulsa Sets Record For November 30th Snowfall The first winter storm of the year dumped 10-point-4 inches of snow in Tulsa on Thursday thru the night.
Patsy said it was the storm of the century,,,,,???!!!

NOW WE R SNOWED IN soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
the news said please do not go out if u can avoid it,the whole town is at a standstill...EVERYthing is closed.

i feel OK as far as ra goes...i have had some rest & not able to get out and "" myself at whatever i would be doing. my hip (R) is killing me tho,-probably due 2 the damp weather, but i JUST had CORTISONE injections in BOTH hips on november 21st..why r they still killin me?

i was supposed to have a Remicade treatment on thursday Nov30th BUT CANCELED as everyone else had to as well,,*kinda funi how everyone goes crazy when the weather gets wild.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

nov 28-2006 /tuesday late.eve,,im tired from bringing in all the plants today(whew) and tonite kelly's ill, she does not feel well and has a slight fever,

all the plants are in, and that damn ficus is HUGE! Winter is comming Tomorrow- but im sitting here in a "wifebeater" and shorts

*winter here, is different then in Minnesota,,,Minnesota is just a longer time with winter-but not as damp-which does make the difference.

still keep thnkin bout the SSI doctor,,he was from bufffalo NY - he was grumpy too

Monday, November 27, 2006

today MON NOV 27th - ive been to the SSI doctor this afternoon and then it started to rain ,,,we came home to rest,,im so exhausted from a emotional sunday at my sisters,,with family, we(kelly and i) went over to her house for dinner- which was wonderful --and then some drama occured,,cant GET INTO THE DETAILS BUT,, IT ALL WAS FOR THE BEST ANDwoorked out fine. Nowwthen today= *doctor at 2.00 pm (ssi doctor ohhhhh scarrrry) * he asked allll kinds of Q's ,,i was nervous and not in a flair so he really did not get to see the me when im ina flair,,i pray for favor in this matter..
now we r home safe,we saw 3 or 4 car wrecks all the way home .....everyones driving like bats outta hell
im so tired / gonna watch a good movie (man hunter DVD?) and relax tonite,,again im so tired,,

Sunday, November 26, 2006

today is sunday NOV 26th been awhile......................................................................

Saturday, November 18, 2006 is the last time ive been here,,,wow,,whats wrong?\im depressed and very much without energy
when i do have engergy i use it untill i drop - then go down(meaning sick w/ra) for a few days then alll over again...back to have energy, then use it for a day then be sick for three days,,
ive been cryingn alot, in the mornings,,it hurts again to walk, and my flesh is hurtimg i cant type even now fuckit,,ive got to go, just wanted to blog that my dreams are all nightmares and all i do is cry,,im not sure whas going on but i am afraid and and dont know what to do,,anywho fuckthis bye

Saturday, November 18, 2006

nov 18 saturday cold but sunny -
hi,,i was just thinking,,then laughed out loud,, about the appt at the shinks office- the other day...
(still hyperfocused on that shink appt) she"the shrink" asked me to quickly name 2 things * that are CURRENT EVENTS, and happening right NOW,,,******
i- i - i THOUGHT i heard her say quickly,,i dont know if she did say quickly-but i felt the pressure.....
i spit out " the dems won the congress and the house and "murder in cap-cod" came to verdict,,,GUILTY and "did we get the right guy?" (from court TV today) ............
that was all...its allll i could think of,, (like what about WAR iraq- nucular brink at n koreas doing- and other NOW THINGS... PLUTO is NOT a PLANET they announced,,and other important things... dual core proccessor is no longer the buzz its multicore??or somehting -new processors...
back to that appt tho,........
I remember the next question "who was president during the civil.war?",,,OMG i said wodrow wilson,,LMAO!!!!!! i KNOW ....why did i say that???,,i was so embarrassed,,and i even cried - then,,cuz i could not think,,at all,,
, she wote alot down,,OMG im soooooooo wondering what she wrote...(place debi in asylum)

Friday, November 17, 2006

its in the middle of a real cold night right now. i had to get up, I think i was dreaming about being under a microscope - i had some kindof bad dream- or it coulda been the pain from my splits again,but i hadto get up and come here and blog the fact that today was WEIRD
* i was very nervous from the begining because of my 2.00 pm appt. with a shrink.*
infact the appt. w/ a shirnk - and the paperwork that i had to fill out prior to the appt has been gut-wrenching (i cannot say how hard it was to answer the questions from a shrinks office and just be OK with everything,,, now i have 2 hives (itchy) so that means im stressed, so i will have to take a "anti anxiety and try to go back to bed....OH i see.....The Crop Circles show (discovery channel) is on now -how perfect

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

we rented a a car, (had to) .....................
went with kelly - we drove out to patsy's house today, had nice visit with her, she did alot of christmas shopping for kids that are needy, and their mothers are in prison,,she does this every year for the kids - but it was fun to see how cute kids things are today,,wow,,little boots and cute outfits galore! -some kids gonna be happy- and patsy enjoys getting things for the helpless.... i took lots of pictures today for the first time at her house,,here are a few shots.................below........
next.... shawny was over 2nite for kelly -to go to school- tonight.. i did this blog and messed around with all our plants ,,seems to be gettin too cold and i dont want to loose any plants out front- BUT the window wrap has helped! the help from kellys moms has proven to be true- we have wrapped windows with that plastic -"window wrap" and it has really really helped .. i remember last year,,i was soo sick during last winter,,and cold always.. i slept in gloves and scarf around my neck and a hat! it was truely cold last year and our bill was about 200.00 monthly thru the cold months,,so we hope to save this year by the window wraps -- what a boaring blog,,i just want superficial untill when-ever,,
im stressed because i go to that "appt tomarrow" im real scared,,dont wanna really do it- im so scared ill say something that will make her say OMG THIS girl is ,,crazy.,,(cuz i am,,i need to hide it tho_heheheee) im just diferent then most people,,i think different,, and dont act my age, not sure how I " do" on " first empressions" sooooo,, just wait and see ,,weird weird weird,,,all im sayin,.bye,,(im freaked out now)

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

its now tuesday nov andwe have lost or ever lovin minds to be sure..
we called about our honda,,its still not ready for us,,i tt the guy who is doing the work,he said the car wont be ready untill next week,,i went into full blown loose it mentally OMG ,,NO TELL ME NO<<<<<<,i doint know,,im SAD
im mad whatever
it doestn matter,,why i feel this waY--
its alllll about money,,and we dont have any and that the whole problem,, why dont we have any money,,we spent it all on on medical shit ok! now,,,find an answer someone or,,,im at a loss,,feel misrible

Monday, November 13, 2006

today is monday( 8.00 am)
im wide awake and feel very sureal today(no pictures yet),,,like im not me, or this is not real
have you ever felt like that? u may just be doing what ever you always do,,and suddenly you realize that you feelstrange,,sortof detached and sureal .. then with a closer check i re-enforce that creepy feeling by looking around this ol' room, it feels like im NOT here, this room is NOT real -
--how strange--- did i blog that i8 dropped my camera and broke it? im so upset. this happened days ago and i cannot stop beating myself up for it,,altho,,i drop EVERYTHING now,,my hands are not as trustworthy ....they are very undpendible,,, i cannot be trusted with delicate things like de-bugging a bomb or eyebrow trimming,,no WAY ...cant get my hands to work as articulate as they were once PAID to be ...(talking 'bout my art - hell, i spent one whole year drawing fossils for amaco (((for a professor who used the drawings at the geoligist convention for that year,, 1984ish))) wild. huh?~!
LATER 11.00 amish,,,
i now have a pic of me today,,i have had a slight breakdown,,our car is at the shop,,the bill has NOT punched us in the gut yet,,and we r starnded,,and i have appts with ssi this week and next week ,,im scared to death and feel so upset / afraid/elbows hurting today/mind is twisting off/ thank god i have kelly ...thats all imsaying,,omg id be so "dead" by now,,,

Sunday, November 12, 2006

riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight,,,ssi sent me a chewed up letter

this is from the mail box today,,i had to tape pages all back together inorder to make any sense out ofit. gulp..serious business heree,,im like petrified im gonna do somehting wrong or say something wrong and not get the help i need so desperately . i need the lords angles to watch over me - to guide me - and keep me on the right path
i want to paint so badly my hands are somewhat better,, i may just be able to start a oil painting soon / my heart, soul, and mind, all have to be in the mood and once a painting is started i will not stop untilll done.... i will be obsessed and hyperfocued and i really cannot start that now,,

i have to deal w/ ssi scary scarry scary --im soo scared of the government,, like te police and all those uniforms,,ug! so intemidating ,,,,, so this week i have to see a ss i person to be evaluated,,im really scared (dunno why- just am its like,,,ew,,dont "look" at me-please

Friday, November 10, 2006

im so tired, and cant type too much - weather is beautiful - but it ends tonite,, the cold stuff is on its way and its the end of a real nice spread of" nice weather days".

Thursday, November 09, 2006

i did not feel good last nite,,i slept hard while kelly and shawny went to school, they hung out here for awhile,,i could hear talking when i woke up alittlebit.,,i was glad kelly had a ride to school,,becase our car is down now,,could be bad and cost ,,,,its up at a place now,,
untill we can hear back on whats wrong with it, the sky is beautiful the weather great,..whats to complain about?? nadda! but im sooooo sleepy and feel so uninspired,,i feel depressed i guess..
cant explain why,,oh ,,im also freaking out cuz SSI sent me a form,,where i have appt made with doctors and a shrink too, wow,, OK next week i go to these 2 different places to be examined,,,wow,,scary.
*new splits on my fingers,,i took a video of them for proof,they are unbeliveable ,i mean,,like nothing anyone has heard of,,they appear outta nowhere and go down deep like razor sharp slitz along my finger-tips and if pushed they bleed and then i have to put painkiller- neo-sporin on them and wrap or wear gloves,but i cant do anything with my hands or it just stirrs them up and they hurt more then before- they wont heal,,ouchy too

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

i just cannot belive TODAY - the dems won (its time for a change and we can all make a huge difference and improve this crazy country (wow) all that corruption VOTED OUT! byebye!

my hair is growing -ive always had a tight haircut by ROSS EDWARDS a personal friend of mine, but i cant afford it anymore, i have to just ponytail up,,,and save $ that way

i found a way to the doctor just 5 blocks away -we just drove our car,,funni because it worked just fine... like nothing is wrong, but somehting is,,we just have to bring it to the shop now and have something fixed ?? white smoke from tailpipe no good cracked seal or?? ,,im sure its gonna cost us a huge amount and we are gonna cry and be all worried about rent now,,god we can never win,or get ahead,,i mean that damn devil just keeps the bullshit comming,,,, im fuckin sick of it,,,we can just take so much here,,damnit, i wont play the lottery because i have NO luck,, at all, well least noone is shooting at us,,and we have a roof over our heads and all that,,,bla bla bla,, thank u for the roof! ha! .
dr apt in few moments(9.315am) BUT our auto blew last nite,,,we have white smoke comming out of the tail pipe, i say screw the doctors appt,,BUT the nurses- kellys moms -and kellly -all say i have to go and cannot wait anylonger -already waited from sept to november -- its imporant and i have to find a way to get to the dr office ,,we called about the car,,its a blewn casket? or something bad and expensive,,i CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE we have our rent and bills and NOW this the car?? all i can say is THANK GOD THE DEMOCRATES WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! maybe now i wont have to be so embarrressed about what our country is doing and the fumbling president better be replaced with barackobama! or hilary!!!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

tomarrow i go to my doctor about issues with my ovarys,,im alittle scared,,thinking ovarys are lil' delicate things im sure,,,i just want to get the results to know if im ok or not,, tomarrow i go to start the process to get that answer, gulp,im scared

Sunday, November 05, 2006

sunday AM we just woke up, took all my meds and they r strting to work,,im typing now,,i still have splits on my fingertips. i have to keep them wrapped are they sting like hell. still not sleeping well,, took a sleeping pill last nite to test? called ROZEREM. and i stll woke up at 2.00am as usual.

Friday, November 03, 2006

hi today anyone outthere?? Echo =there there ther..
wish i had $ i would not be so board and sick.
im feeling depressed again,,shit
probably because our own president is a fumbiling idiot and we (america) are gonna get
nuked cuz the world hates US !!!! we look like a bunch of fat white hypocrites!!

wake up america,,
we are fucking things up bad- and it may be too late to go back.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

its a remicade day--- i feel very tired, i looked at my dads EGYPTIAN tour site and i wanted to comment,,i was so excited about the pictures and all his adventures- but damned thing wont let me leavea comment,,sux!
this blurry picture is how i feel today i represents my vision , how i see everyday, i have glasses but they are not strong enuff and the left lense always falls out,so what good r they? none! i need glassses soon. i misjudged where things are and this gets me broken toes EVERY time! im getting over a new foot injury where i stumped my toe on the ball and claw chairleg, for the thirteenthtime..............

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


Tuesday, October 31, 2006

today is holloween - my favorite holiday,in my favorite month october,,its so"German",,and thats what i am,, kelly calls me lil'germanhead..and i call her big itialian head,hehehe -

Monday, October 30, 2006

hi im back,,its been about 1- 2 hours now,,my medicine just doesnt work like it used to,, its wearing off,,the potency i mean,,, i JUST called my primary,(i love him-dr wiseman and he is a wiseman) i tt nurse,,told her ive benn waking up crying for 2 weeks now,,thats under estamating -- told her i need my oxy refilled but weneeed 2 increase dose (10 mil- what i take) awhile untill we get this rhuematoid under controll,,i cant keep crying and scareing kelly god she just doesnt know what to do but just hug and conmfort me,,and thats sweet i love her
i took a picture of how i amable to type now medicated and with protection and its really one finger typing so fuck mistakes = cant go back to fix unless im board im tooo hurtfull now

ps,,,, it was joys birthday yesterday and we forgot to call and say Happy Birthday,, so we called now... and told her how much we appreciated joy and angela to come over, and help us winterize this ol'house and she (joy) left little treats behind- like a cinnamon candle burning sweetly, and she saw the list of supplys on the fridge,,she came back from the store - with a bag of what was on that list,,she never told anyone either,, thats an angel,,,right? we r blessed so when im in pain and crying because my bones hurt and my splits hurt,,i still think about the people i get to see like kelly, angela and joy, shawney and all her clan,,and mary and her clan,,and jennifer woodencrosss and her clan,,so,,we really have some good people here around,,i l;ike my doctor,,but i think i may have tochange rhuenatologists again - i dont want to,, but im worst and i have to get better,,i need november 8th to get here so i can find out aBOUT MY "womanlyness"( ovary has to go they say,,soo we shall see ..november 8th the big day,,,, gulp!)

i may.NEED.someone to talk to, like a shrink,,are there any out there?
,because now,, i just woke up ,,---but as usual-- after 5 minuets of being awake im CRYING
in pain-i dont want to wake up anymore its too painful,,
i just cant keep waking up in pain-every fuckin' morning why why why why ,,i am saying that its TOO MUCH i want a saw off my hands and feet.
time went by.,,took my pills,and now---
i have just calmed down enuff but EVERYmorn is so painfull,like the medicine wore off in the night and when i awake,i feel everything,i have splits in my fingers that radiate pain from the swellng while i sleep, i need to sleep at least 9 hurs i prefer 010-12 tho,,hahaaa hey i laughed,,my medicine is kicking in,10 ml pred and 3 darvons and 1oxy usully does it! heres my pics in order of mental breAK DOWN THIS AM.........