dec 14th and kellys at school,,im tired and board,,i do feel somewhat more hopeful today,im not sure if its because i slept hard last nite for the first time in quite some time,,i do feel better tho, i have to remember how almost close to the edge i was and recall how it all goes back in place, and people just deal with whatever they get .. its like this,,ive been with ra for some time,and tried all the cures and medicines and still not better,,in fact im worst,, depression doesnt help either/ i miss social activity like WORK,,.,,god i miss working,,it gave me a purpose i should dedicate the next few months on a painting or some kind of artistic creation to express how i feel.
it would be just a black canvas,,bad idea/
i need to just quit all the ra stuff and rest rest rest,,then i can go back to work as soon as i can manage to stay awake and maintain for 40 hours a week,,im in a test now,,and today i failed,i HAD to lay down,, hell,,yesterday i feel asleep accidently,,i did alittle bit of straightening and bam..out like a lite..and i hate to fall asleep during the day,its depressing,i hate to wake up,, ,,i just want to stay awake or sleep forever,,but i cant keep going to sleep then waking up ,,it hurts to wake up .,.
it hurts to eat food too ,,i cant swallow very well im stillloosing the weight because i cant swallow,,
im ina trap or a bAD DREAM