Monday, December 31, 2007

i went into Morton this AM, Kelly helped me get there and organized for it all - papers- prescription info-and after we got there,,,i FORGOT my BLUE CARD i went into panic...they said,"relax-no-problem"so we explained the situation,,the same girl i saw last thursday was working today, she remembered me and made a phone call,and got me,in ,,even tho i really had no appt,,,and they were SO KIND and COMPETENT-
more later -cuz we r drinking a glass of champagne and we r VERY tired and want to chillout 4 now

Sunday, December 30, 2007

i just thought of this,,,in all the money we've paid out for RA treatment and doctors offices weve been in,,NEVER EVER ONE TIME have any of the rheumatoloisgists told me anything about this disease or where it seems to be MOST in me,, they have ONLY said "take this medicine and we will see u back in two weeks,," OK,,NEVER has it been told to me things to do,,
never has it been personalized,and why dont they care??i dont think they CARE
* all the nurses seem like drones and the doctors act like if they say ANYthing they will be sued,,likethey r afraid to say any thing, i almost think everyones really turning mean these days..EVERY one is so short fused and ready to kill kill killl,,,,or tazer tazer tazer-LOL,,, really tho,,on myspace, ive written that i think every ones mean today and it may be due to the CHEM TRAILS- i believe this with all my heart,,we r being poisoned,,,,,,,by the chem trails

Friday, December 28, 2007

hi -today is FRIDAY dec 28th and we r celebrating our 7th year (kewl)

i feel OK now- -better then yesterday because i took darvon yesterday for pain but took oxycodine today,,,,and the difference is incredible,,,, dr wiseman released / fired me from his patients based on that ol' "sour apple atthe front desk" well, she has a bad attitude and dumb as a box of rocks-sorry its true tho-anyways,,,im released/fired from him because of her,,(just great),,i called her and told her how i felt about allthis ,,then hung up on her,,ohwell,,,

gods pushing me to a new path,,im scared cuz i dont know whats around the next corner,,im thinkin' " when did i become so afraid of the unknown????",,i used to live in the unknown,,i was raised by my mom and dad with the UNKNOWN === sooo im going with the flow and just take it as it comes,,new doctors with new procedures-new places to go-and new faces and connections,,hoping for the help i need - i have to get the RA under controll,,,im sleeping 16 hours a day,,if i do not sleep for that long,,iget sick,,,very sick,,weak-no appitite and it lasts for about 3-4 days,,i have to sleep for 16 hours or im screwed - weird weird weird,, i cannot increase my prednisone from 20 miligrams daily- because it makes me wired and crazyparinoid and im unable to sleep at all ,,so i have to just stay w/ and find something else,,enbril is alll ive NOT tried,,its all thats left,,remicade just about killed me with ther injections of metho- i cant do that again- i just cant

Thursday, December 27, 2007

i dont feel well today..its THURSDAY, and i really feel like i cant lift a thing,,the kitchen needs to be vacuumed and all dusting everything needs to be done,but i cant, and i cry ,because im not good at NOT being able to do anything at all even tho i've had RA now for about 5 years and its only getting worse = so i went to MORTON clinic today ..i did not want to,,but had to because IM OUT of prednisone ====== frigin doctor wiseman cut me off..i calledthem and toldthem that its probably cuz i dont have insurance,, cant make any money on me s00oo get rid of her That happened last month and im just now dealing with it..trying to replace a doctor isnt easy..especially when ya got no money and ya got RA,,
SO, i went to morton and thought this place is nice and the ppl are very compassonate,,that COUNTS alot!
i wrote a review on themsee here:

IMUST be " pms'ing" becauseive really really been UPset about Benazir Bhutto assassinated after rally i cried for her,,,i thought she was so strong and brave for democracy-

news report :
RAWALPINDI, Pakistan - Pakistan opposition leader Benazir Bhutto was assassinated Thursday by an attacker who shot her after a campaign rally and then blew himself up. Her death stoked new chaos across the nuclear-armed nation, an important U.S. ally in the war on terrorism.

pics of our back yard

been awhile.. we lost POWER and heat and all from this ICE STORM ,,,including my harddrive lost it all
i reforamatted and installed all programs and stuff-,,and now here i am,,Back to cry and bitch
cuz im on my way to the welfare clinic now= scary -----and ill write when i come home

more pics of ice icebaby

Thursday, December 06, 2007

I DO LOVE ELVIS PRESLEY - hes so damn pretty - when i pet him,,it helps the pain in my hands,,it makes me feel better-more at ease with all- comforted in a way,,,

click on pic to see his face better
I WENT TO MY "FACE2FACE INTERVIEW WITH dhs on tuesday dec 4th at 1.30= i made it in the nick oftime too- i had 2 drive like a crazy woman to make it there,,iwas LOOOKIN and LOOKIN andLOOKin,,, i knew theaddress444 south houston,,imgrerat downtown,,iloveit,,exceptall the construction ahs roadsleadingnowhere andclosed,,and all sorts of confusion down there...soooooo i finaly figured 444 MUST be the building that i'm familar with from along time ago i neededto go there-for business and there was NO ADDRESS ornosign saying dept of human services,,,anywhere..i did all kinds of illegal turns on Houston just because i wasnt gonna let me being lost stop me from finding my help i need so despairingly..(drama) ohboi,,soi made it and the girl who helpedme was so nice and i really was gald i went - now i know where it is YEAH! and guesswhat,,ofcourseiforgotthe most importantthing,,,i forgotmy damn driver's license of all things,,so that made todays apt extemnnd into wed to get conclusions! and i did get conclusions- withthe kind help from mary my rep...andthe nice ppl,at the food stamp place werevery helpful 2~! i was allowed foodstamps forawhile,,im so thankfull- maybe now i will gain weight

Monday, December 03, 2007

jennifers mom applied for SSDI and predicted,,i promise U that the reason they are giving debi a hard time about her medical records and wont give them to her is because they did not keep records,.,this is why they r making such a big deal it turns out,,,shes right ,,looks likes hes been thru all this before. I cannot believe inadequate papers he kept on me,, and i thought he cared about me,,, foolish fooolish -seems noone cares about anyone anymore - i see "road rage" all the time now,, i see ppl unhappy as hell pushing grocery store carts up and down those robots..justweird.thats all.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

arrow points 2 splitz-I cant seem to get a good photo of them-
i hate RA sofriggin much,,

Friday, November 30, 2007

last day of November,weird -trippin on time
i stay up all day 2day,(no nap- first time in awhile) now in severe pain in deep in hips and neck-
we read the doctors file on me, -came in the mail yesterday-,what a joke,,nothing is at it seems,,all his comments are like im just fine and dandy- wtf? he still has me taking methotrexate injections and EMPLOYEED FULL TIME and no mention of thyroid tests and or loss of weight and nothin' on FIBROMYalsea..or about " hard to swallow" or too skinny and depressed -he has checked =NO to "therapy"? ,,OMG what a screwed up backwards report,,its all opposites- NO wonder he did not want me 2 have my report/ files ...... its clear to see this why the denial for SSDI,, he makes it seem like im doing just fine on paper --no bruses all over and nothing about lamisil for my fingertips,,he said was a fungus,,OK,well ,lamisil,, is not the report, in fact nothing -Nothing is on the report!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

re- subscribed to RA group in Yahoo,its really interesting and helpful -someone iz writing about the experience with SSDI / plus all the ppl who say they are crazy from pain --i know what they r saying - been there-done that- very hard to read about ppl going thru what im going thru=
but im not alone
RA_CHECK=MY neck and hip are what are my "pains that kill me " and make me crazy / feel like drinkin' that bottle of darvon sometimes,,good thing im so conservative because i make those sukers last ,,TOO expensive to waist -knowwhatimean?

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

i cant believe this happened:
i called in my script of PREDNISONE-10mg QY=100...... this is normal when i get to the end of my bottle,*been doing pred for about 4.5 yrs *and dosage has varied based on need,,,myPOINTis:
i called in my regular (100 at 10 mg)prescription for prednisone at walmart,,NOT wall greens...-switched to wallmart because of the $4.00 UN-INSURED PPL prescriptions-even tho its always an error with whative ordered.,..and never a full prescription,,they partial fill and i gotta go alllll the way back after 5 pills,,TOO much waste gas time-not good-,so this prescription,,i asked how many in the bottle? she sd 30,,im like,,OK thats 1.5 weeks worth of pred,,i NEED 100 thats the prescription and thats what i need 100,, i've ordered it that way from the beginning,,, the lady said" sorry this is what they said to fill -im looking at it right now-" i started feeling faint andwoooosey -was swirrling and got more upset in my mind but act like ive got it together --i only said forget it, U keep it and i will NEVER come back to this store - been a hassle from the beginning and not worth the $4.00 to go thru HELL at wallmart,, (i didnt say that but i was thinking it) i just walked out ..told her to forget it.,..she was like,,wha????????

(((so anyhoo,,im leaving wallmart...thanks for wasting my GAS AND TIME ))))
i was thinking OK this is gonna turn out to be hell -i smell trouble and IM not comfy with what to do next,,go to wisemans -i was so upset all the way home,,i drove while ranting and raving tomyself and i should have had my film rolling,, but i swear to GOD 30 pred isnt gonna get it,,, i WANT MY PREDNISONE PLEaSE !)),,like i got last month and the month before damnit~
~ godwhy does everything have to be so effing hard.,.WHY WHY WHY,,its almost like im living under a curse i tell you,,a CURSE//// NEVER before in my whole almost fifty years have i NEVERMIND-,,these pll dont care about me,,or my health (doctors) WHY did doctor wiseman do that to me,? why he..he KNOWS its 100 NOT 30,,why why why /////so i go home crying..upset..i emailed to kelly what happened.,.,
my email:
kelly,wallmart screwed me again,,only this time..i screwedthemBACK..i left the medicine there and bitched all the home.
she calledhome after she got the email,,,.we talked no problem,,toldher walmart screwed upand i just want to transfreback to walgreen ..its close and they dont screw up as bad as almart,,walmart SUCKS = so she sd OK thats ok,, and i took a nap,,i was whipped out by now- and my neck and elbows stated in --so i just lay for a second,,but asleep within seconds.. i tried to stay up by thinking of exellent things to do,,i have a head full of ideas--it has to wait until i can do it tho.
next i drove to wisemans -went in nicely asked if they had called it in because i just came from wallgreens(they had called for a script p/u but when i got there nodda-???) ya know what,,i cant finish this.,,im just sitting here about to have a heart attack,,i gotaa gonow this too much
im back ,,i will nut shell this story for the record..
i asked MY DOCTOR for for my medical records over a month ago,,i wanted them ready to go when i went in the last time to review my medications.,.. he writes for pain aids for my rheumatoid,,im sure he has to cover his ass when writing scripts for OXY and darvon,,plus i do take alot of meds that are like ,,Woah,..BUT I NEED THEM for the PAIN,,i went 3 yrs withOUTand i welcome the painaids.,.life has been better with them -i can take the pain and go on,m,whenre beforei hadto lay down all the time (hell0 - i STILL laydown all the tiem,) the crying spells are MUCH less- the pain is bearible,, w/ them,,thats ALL!
OK so,,i didnt gdt my records on that day ---dr wait,,please let me review them and ensure they are correct,,fibromyalsia and everything -- i agreed to allow moretime,, MORE TIME!! they wont give memy records,,THEY have an excuse every time i call,,its bveen way to long and i need them to bring to MORTON HEATH CENTER -which ive been out to check ,and its great!----- i can hande it -- just LONG waits,,but that was at my doctors office also- (i mean we'd waitfor HOURS after the scheduled time- to see the doc) Crazy-but we have totally kissed this docors assand weve been a sport when they effed up and gave me wrong scripts causing me delays on my medications and going with out my medicaton, too! now hes screwing up my prednisone for some reason,,
the lady (pam) who works the front desk is a total flaKE-i recall the last appt ////me and kelly got home did the evening thing,,i get a call next day.,,its PAM,,asking if i have some kind of paper thing they dont find,,its hear YES w/me,,sitting on my green wingback chair with allthe other things from yesterday - i tell her,,Oh yes,,i do see it here,,,,she freaks out and says something like you are not sapossed tohave that,, OH GOD OH GOD,,so im just kinda like thingkin,,well,,shit,,i willrun it by tioday before i go downtown -nortt even A THANK you FROM THE lady..WTF? SHOULD HAVE BEEN A RED FLAG FOR ME THEN OR ANY OF THE OTHER TIMES SHE GAVE ME some one else's script --now she says " she gave me my med records along time ago -soo i said no ,,i need thenm desperately-please have them ready TODAY - she says ,,shit like,,well,,i could sweari gavwe themto puo,, I-OK - WHEW - turning red, DEEPBREATH,,WHY WOULD I ASK U FOR MY RECORDSIF I already HAD THEM,,WHY ? iwant my records and my prednisone -what is the effing problem lady -
its like they dont want to even deal with me,, IM STUPIFIED @ this point-so i leave the doctors and go get kellydowntown, tell her all about it,,plus she knew about it via email..but she also was stupified,,her point was OMG what incompidence - and this is what is holding up MY SSDI,,forreal!
she goes in on the way home,,and comwes backout saying she saw pam and saidthis and that,,and did not cusea scene BUT pam was rude and kelly said hey sometimes your not so nice and you are being that way right now (TRUEtoo) we went home frustrated as hell,,and the phone rings - its my doctor -i took iyt,,i was upset and asked why i cant have my prescription of prednisone - he patronized me AND said find another doctor- i was SHOCKED- i said what? he said find anorther doctor,,like he was talking to a 5yr old,,,very patronizing and just super gay- i just hung up,,i didnt even say a word,,kelly came in,,whats wrong what did he say,,i told kell he just fired us,,, and i just hung up,,she said ON HIM?? i said yep,,,im shocked and we anilizeed and setteled down to the DAMN truth of the mattewr is hes a quak everyone knows it,,and hes NOT a sick poersons doctor,,if u got a cold hes good,,thats it, but hes really been in appropreate wiht uys fromthe begining,,i mean,,he wants to talk politics,,when ive gotswallowing issues and a gurgle deep in my lungs,, also ,,whats up w/ these splits that just appear on my finget tips - my godthey get so bad,,i could cry,, i take pictures i tellhim,,he doesnt even listen,,so this is for the best

Monday, November 26, 2007

i cant believe this is me-imso,,,so,,,so pudgylookin'
i cant get enuff sleep and myneck has been hurting now -very bothersome & wont let up...heatingpad applied and lots of

Friday, November 23, 2007

yesterday- we were invited to eat with tanya (shes a nurse just like joy and angela) and her husband chuck- a,military guy. we had a very nice time and its was exellent food ! Seems like everything was just great.

kellygirl is onholiday now

Thursday, November 22, 2007

its thanXgiving today-2007 wow,,i remember when i was YOUNG and was talkin to mary my sister-and we were talkin about the future and saying things like the year 2000 WOW how old will we be then ,,and i thought OMG 40 yrs old..i cant imagine being even close to 40 yrs old -but NOW its here and beyond,,its so weird,,TIME and the way LIFE is set up .....time passing is a strange thing if u stop to think,,,it does go fast,,,life goes fast,,
im THANKFUL for :
number one is KELLY
number two is Mary (she been there my whole life,my little sister)
i am thankful for my DAD, and all hes done for me,,i only wish i hadMORE of my daddy,imiss him bad and my life has always been to please him and make him happy with my choices.

Monday, November 19, 2007

sleep is the ONLY cure the BEST cure //// too bad it seems to wear off fast tho.

ive just awoken from another 16 hour sleepfest,this is what im doing to keep it aaway - i am on 25 mg of pred,,NO MORE NO MORE,,i cant take any more pred..besides,,i aclamate anyways,,so i HAVE to keep it low-dose
god,i have no appitite and imhungry,,i want to paint and do things,,but i just cant,,my fingertips are still sore and typing hurts cant pick up anything right now untill my fingers get better ,
i cried from looking at Email my RA newsletter
this is why i read it:
Emotional Pain of RA
RA can cause more than joint pain; the losses associated with RA can be devastating. Tune in December 13 as experts talk about the emotional aspect of life with RA and share healthy coping strategies.
id like to hear it,,i know ive lost it all due to rA

Sunday, November 18, 2007

no new posts b/c im iin a bad way,,very put down and very confussed about what the fuck is going on

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

ohno,,on the last post i wrote that kelly is sick SICK ??!!??!!
((as sick as i've EVER seen her in 6 years!))
OK =now i feel sick, i have a cough & i hurt back where your nose holes are in the upper backpart of your mouth..thy are swollwen and very sore i have to blow my runny nose into a washloth and not tissue b/c tissue is too tuff,,cant handle it at all....
my flesh is real sore all over- i need to go to the doctor but im waiting to pick up records from primary doctor to bring to this place called MORTON health,,its a beautiful new building,& only hope its works as good as it looks,, incompidence seems to be abundant around here lately!- i had to dropoff ppr work to cris as well,, the next step isin front of a judge =to be declared disabled or what? im not sure what all can happen here,,im not getting any advise from my ATTY,, who ..nevermind,im notgoingoffonhimagain,, (im so so very tired to the core right now)
COLD WEATHER is comming,,so far,,ive been runing around in a wife beater and i LOVE this weather,,its been so amazing and beautiful but today the north winds roll in and its gonna drop to 37 degrees,, spoiled on this warm weather
NOTE: tell theapist about goreaphobia that i have it,,alot of the time..
official forecast:
At midday, a strong cold front is almost through the entire area. Expect very windy conditions and highs in the upper 50s and lower 60s. Colder air will remain until the end of the week.

Monday, November 12, 2007

this morning in pics,, got that prednisone thang goin'on

Sunday, November 11, 2007

i just love our cats they are so perfect/ kellys really sick and caught it from work,,now we are trying to keep me from getting it,,its pretty bad shes bedbound and deep lung coughs and hurts to talk or breath /OWCHIE / we hope to not spread it.

as for my RA i had to place heating pad on my friggen elbows in order to relax and sleep ,,they have really been the worst lately always sore and red and hot -
i said along time ago as for treatment and me? heres how it plays out=
we go in a punch it (with some kind of treament),right?
it comes back and punches me harder,,so in other words what ebver i do to controll it,,only last for a small time the ra just grows into a bigger stronger monster then the treatment,,so i say back OFF and hang low and just dont bother the RA,,K? kewl.
i also want to mentiopn here that i figured out that my VISION is so poor that i just cannot see w/o those glasses that kelly found -i wear them to see and they only magnify everything..i got so mad about my vision and not being able to see that i statred to cry this AM..i just got all worked up and said to kelly then "reason i cant see is because the vessels im my eyes are inflAMMMED WITH RA im sure" -because sometimes i see almost fine -- and guess what i thinnk i cant swallow because of RA too,,its in my throught,,,however ya spell that word.. its been thru my whole gum area and jaw ,,why not my throught and eyes ,,its non stopable

Friday, November 09, 2007

no comment other then "sleeping"

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

these elbows wont stop hurting and they LOOK different now.sad.
kelly's HOME 2day =she took some time off from work(yesterday and today) we were up late last nite,she had homework due after school- i messed around online- my fingertips are in great pain they are split to the bone and they keep me from really sleeping,,look@ them:

did i mention that the air hurts my skin when i walk thru it? well,i know that sounds crazy but i swear to god ,,it hurts my flesh all over when i walk thru air- this is not a constant condition as i seem better at 16 hours of sleep and ready 2 do things. BUT it doesnt last for very long -i go down quickly- perhuapss 4 -5 hours later im ready for a nap- im sleeping my life away

Thursday, November 08, 2007

these are NOT my hands just an example of how my hands feel- and if i dont get treatment this is how they will look

i hope its OK ,,but i read this on a friends site about her:

When my Grandmother was diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis a few decades ago, the milder cases were simply put on aspirin, over 20 a day! If they didn't die of a bleeding ulcer, they were quickly disabled from the disease. The more severe cases might be put on Prednisone or gold salts but that was pretty much it. Not a lot to choose from. As much as I hate having RA, I am glad I have it now. Never before have we had so many treatment options. In the last two years we've been bombarded with new drugs and treatments. We have so much to choose from. Most of us will live full productive lives, unlike those a generation ago. Early detection and treatment are important in slowing down the disease and preserving joints.

i wanted to say i appreciate this point of view,,and i get so wrapped up in TODAYS RA we forget,,it could have been a much worse for me had i been born back then- LOOK AT THE LAUNDRY THEY DID BY HAND - WRINGING AND SCRUBBING THEN IRONING,OMG HOW??? There is no way a lady with rheumatoid could have made it back then- noway.

This is my blackkat. he acts like a "" so i call him "lil buddy"..he comes running to me when I call for him. He really should be in hollywood with commercials B/C he can train easy. I taught him how to kiss,he raises his cute lil head up so i can kiss him on the head - its way cute- he knows love, and he has been at my side from the very moment he was born,,god i love this kat!hes very special,,& very diferent.

this is a view of my knuckels on my left hand see hte swelling on th e1st and second knuckel HURTS just to look at it,

i was just emailing some friends from myspace (that have RA as well)its always good for me to mingle with the RAers out there..cuz we have a "bond" or a "connection". ITS healthily for us all to bitch and complain and get it all out and then we just turn around and smile to our loved ones,,,bearing the pain and feeling abit "not so alone" for the moment and that makes me feel better inside my own heart. now,,, i have the BEST girlfriend in the world,and the best father in the world and the best sister who loves me with all her kids to be around- i truly thank GOD for my blessings as i see i do have them, no one here is yelling at me to go to work,,OR why r you so useless? nothing like that,,in fact its oppisit// its NOTHING but support for me. im not saying this is a "bed of roses" here,,we r struggling along we dont even know how we r gonna make it,,but today TODAY= the lord has blessed us and we thank Jesus for that! we do ,,we really really do! its called :debi=OPEN YOUR EYES- see the love? humbly i say i do,& "im so very greatful".

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

its been awhile,,i've been extremely tired these past few days,, and UNABLE-god, that word! unable,,but- its whats up and i have done about nothing except sleep-
i became depressed about this;;;;;;;

Complications in Other Areas of the Body

Rheumatoid arthritis can affect other parts of the body as well as the joints. Some patients with severe disease may then be at higher risk for complications such as the following:

Peripheral Neuropathy. This condition affects the nerves, most often those in the hands and feet. It can result in tingling, numbness, or burning.
Scleritis. This is an inflammation of the blood vessels in the eye that could result in corneal damage.
Infections. RA patients have a higher risk for infections, particularly from some of the immune-suppressing drugs that they take.
Skin problems. Skin problems are common, particularly on the fingers and under the nails. Some patients develop severe skin complications that include rash, ulcers, blisters (which may bleed in some cases), lumps under the skin, and other problems. Severe skin disease can reflects a more serious case of RA in general.
Gastrointestinal Problems. Although patients may experience stomach and intestinal distress, one 2000 study reported lower rates of stomach and colorectal cancers among RA patients.
Osteoporosis. Osteoporosis, a disorder in which bone density decreases, is more common than average in postmenopausal women with rheumatoid arthritis. The hipbone is particularly affected. The risk for osteoporosis also appears to be higher than average in men with RA who are over 60 years old.
Lung Disease. One small study found a very high prevalence of lung disease in newly diagnosed RA patients. The association between a history of smoking and a higher risk for RA, however, may at least partially account for this finding. (Cigarette smoking, in any case, may increase the severity of the disease.)
Heart Disease. Mounting evidence suggests that RA can increase the risk for heart disease, possibly because of the inflammatory response in RA, which may also injure arteries and heart muscle tissue. Some studies have reported that people with RA are 30% to 50% more likely to suffer heart vessel blockages and 60% to 70% more likely to die as result than people without RA. A smaller British study confirmed that about half of RA patients are likely to have silent symptoms of heart disease, and that it tends to develop about 10 years earlier than in people without RA.
Lymphoma and Other Cancers. Alterations in the immune system associated with RA and certain treatments may play a role in the higher risk for lymphoma observed in RA patients. A higher risk for lymphoma and blood cancers may also occur in patients who were given total lymphoid irradiation, an RA therapy used mainly in the 1980s when other therapies failed. Aggressive treatments for RA that suppress the immune system may help prevent such cancers, but more research will be needed to evaluate this possibility. Other cancers that may occur with increased frequency in RA patients include prostate and lung cancers.
Periodontal Disease. People with RA may be twice as likely as non-arthritic individuals to have periodontal disease. Chronic inflammation and immune dysfunction are central to both diseases

Friday, November 02, 2007

most hated attribute of RA is:
"not able 2 do anything"
AND-"we don't know for how long"...."am i down for a day?" or a few hours? a couple of days? everything about RA is unpredictable and it comes with alot of baggage too ,,like depression.
Im so unable and thats about it for today,,,hohum,,(so disappointed in me)

Sunday, October 28, 2007

i just realized i dont have any dreams,,this came about because a commercial said" hold on tight to your dreams" and i thiought i have no dreams,GOD THATS AWFULL and no wonder im depressed,,i could just ball right now - and i am.
did u know that the inside of my hands hurt when ANYTHING touches the bones? what does that mean? that my bones are mushey? thats NOT cool and my teeth are are...falling out.i need help- but no where can i find it,,there are no programs and help for ppl like me WHO USED TO WRK HER FUCKING ASS OFF FOR 'THE MAN'" THE SYSTEM" OH I SEE ---BUT NOW THAT I CAN NO LONGER HOLD anything---- im no good ---so i get nothing,,why dont they just kill me and get this shit over with INSTEAD of this slow agonizing suffering that i go thru -AND TRY TO KEEEP MY SHIT TOGETHER BUT I DONT NO HOW MUCH LONGER IO CAN GO ON LIKE THIS..IM ok now =i went in to get a hug from kelly and i saw my lil' cats ,,and i remembered why i live today! look around and be thankfull,,I AM so greatful for all my blessings / i do not mean to grip or complain,,i have no right to complain,,kelly loves me and shes not gonna leave me or run away ...she is the strongest most UN-selfish person i ever met,,, GOD placed her and i together so we can win this battlle called life,, together with a christian attitude "we can WIN" " GOOD always wins over EVIL "right? YES! IT DOES!!!!!!! can i paste movies into here? why ,,,now that i thinkof it,,and think of my photobucket acct,,why not,,im going to add a sunday morning typical morning movie here: