Thursday, December 31, 2009

heheee funni
whos pulling all the strings
"announcing concept of a new world order "

i hope plenty of ppl watched jesse ventura lastnite = confirmed what ive been hollering for years now,,THEY WANT 2/3RDs DEAD from the population today

i hope ppl watch and listen and believe it

Some of us have known this stuff for years already.
It is better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Blue moon to shine on New Year's Eve

im a prepper,,i found a artical that decribes what I AM! a "prepper" meaning prepairing for whatever (doomsday,amagedon,2012,martial law,and so on)
i have large containers in the basement filled with water and dated, i added one drop of bleach to every gallon of water then squeezed the air out for purity.. also i think its smart to have supplys stashed ,,like blankets matches medicine alchohol peroxide,candels,canned food, fillet knives for protection, and other things...
ive prepaired a place in the basement for an emergency also have akennel down there for the cats (just in case)

You are a Prepper if you are

1.a person who grows and /or stores food, water, and other supplies in preparation for disasters of all types, i.e., economic collapse, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes etc..
2.a patriot who is against Fascism, Communism, National Socialism, Globalism, and Totalitarianism, and believes that these types of governments lead to oppression and death of innocent people, thus the need to prepare for survival.
3.a member of a Prepper Network

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


its very very cold here and i hate it -
i have been feeling extremly surreal lately,,everything seems weird or unreal , my own face seems strange when i look in the mirror.
i dont know why or what to do about it other then just go with the flow.
im looking at EVERYTHING and its ALL so strange to me, i almost feel like im in a dream and need to wake up -been like this for days and days now and its very very strange.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Friday 12.25.09

Blizzard Warning Ends, Leaves NE Okla.
Blanketed ~Tulsa - The storm that prompted a
blizzard warning for all of green country has dissipated, leaving behind several inches of snow just in time for Christmas Day.
makes it hard to move when its this cold.i wear myself out trying to stay warm .
i cannot believe i once lived in minnesota & liked it.
now i freze out at anything below 60 degrees

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

today is wed , its almost christmas eve
i am not doing any thing for Xmas,, or shall i say going any where or buying any thing for anyone

i did something alittle drastic last nite,,i got all my hair cut off and im GLAD!
today its warm outside and we r getting ready to have winter storm blow thru,,i will believe it when i see it tho
a famous saying:
if you dont like the weather here in oklahoma,,,,just wait a minuet.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

this cute lil kitten named star

ifinished this painting and tried to scan it ( doesnt look that good via scan)
well,,im sending this to my mom, its called " windy "
and it could be better but i just got impatient as usual.
something is happening to me,,i feel like im seeing things for the first time and i DONT LIKE IT,,i am super Unhappy and hard to fake it any more. WHY is this happening to me,,i just want to go to sleep and stay that way,,i dont want to wake up ever!
my soul is bothered and im not happy with where i am anymore,,and whats been going on,,im rotting away and noone can help. im slipping into a deep place and i am afraid i will not pull out of it this time,,i feel like just going to sleep, or going to another place another world, where people are kind and true and you dont need to be young and pretty to survive. its all fading away and i cant imagine where all this is going other then down down down into that pit - shit- i wish i could just be happy and secure but fact is,,im sinking and noone can help me.
i have no energy,,i cant think straight and i am just existing ,,im not living.just weird as hell,,,i mean i feel WEIRD!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

this show is really pretty good
learned a new word today:AristocracyAristocracy is a form of government, in which a few of the most prominent citizens rule.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

how i feel today

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

NOTE to self: learn more about this penal gland.
im soo frantic or manic ..i am taking the new drug called vistariel,,its OK but i could use a valium really-
i panic while driving,(like i took a wrong turn or something)
i panic just thinkin bout talking to anyone \
my heart is pounding like crazy and i bought some cigerettes thinkin it mite help.
nope,,still crazy nervous and cigs are not helping.
Yesterday i mised the appt i had out at "shaddy park" sandypark clinic,,due to me getting lost on the west side of town,,its crazy roads are all blocked and under construction
then i went today to F and C but amuy moore is out with the stomach virus sooo...nothing has been done and its all still up in the air for now.
more details later when i can think straight..........
*took abunch of stuff to the salvation army for donations..thats a good thing.

its soooooooo cold today it hurts to be out side. Oh and the chem-trails are ouuta control in the morning sky
so they were spraying while it was still dark out ,how sinister!
im completly unable to comunicate or even loomk at people now

Monday, December 14, 2009

i feel extremely nervous and everything is stressing me out
i am noticing everything ..
this new drug is called vistireil and it works ok and no side effects that i have noticed.
i have to make it out to dr whitt's today at 1.30 pm,,BUT the car is acting weird again,, it studders and thebreaks are about gone..but im going anyways. if i break down,,i break down.
this week will be buzy for me, i have appts all thru out this week with family and childerns.
i have a sinus infection i believe..and i hav e to explain why im not filling the methotrexate prescription - i have to talk to dr whitt...i need to have her understand what the heck is going on. otherwise she just thinks im being uncooperitive and refuse medicine......
heres whats weird,,even if everything was normal now,,i still find a resistance on the methotrexate --im very very scared of this drug and would rahter be wiht RA then on that shit,,its CHEMOTHERAPY and i cant handel how i feel on it- it makes me soo sick for 2 weeks while starting it --it is so strong and its creepy nd i8 dont want to take it,,why am i being
labeled " uncooperitive "for not wanting to indulge in a drug that ive already spent along time on and all it did was make me sick ,,i cant handel my options,,im screwed on either side,,
either i take the metho and be sick ,,or i dont take and get attacked by jhust screwed and it stresses me out just thinkin about it,,i wonder if anyone else has bad time taking metho,,im google- ing that right now.
results :
I got sick just reading your post....bless your heart...I was just taken off body couldn't handle it. So be careful and WATCH any and EVERY side effect that you may encounter and make them listen to you. Take care.....

for me,,i felt nausea,sensitive to any and all light sick wiht just a bad feeling for days,,only one day of the week was OK and i dont think it out weighs the hassel to take it...

Friday, December 11, 2009

havent been here at the computer 4 awhile..things were outta control and i had no energy to deal with anything other then survival.
im on this roller coaster ride and ive been trying get off of it.i just about crossed the thresh-hold of leaving and never coming back.
things got outta control and no matter what i tried,,nothing worked
and it sent me in to a manic state for days and days i was spinning.
i couldn't organize any of my thoughts -
i know i cant make any hard core decisions until my mind sees the truth and understands the truth, i feel like im now on that path.hoping.
i ended up back at family and children's services and accepted the diagnose and the drug,,anxiety drug for my manic state...its called vistareil and it is GREAT for me,,it does work and its none addictive and with out too many side effects.
i had my appt on Tuesday with Amy,,my case wrkr -- we composed a letter together with all my information and its to be signed by the doctor(shrink) and submitted to the SSDI- powers- that- be. this is a good thing and i feel like its the last effort we have for winning my case.
i lost ANOTHER tooth outta my mouth. lemme explain...
dentist Xrays show complete deterioration of my jaw bones,,so the teeth are wiggling and loose..i have no support and even tho im easy on my mouth i still lost a tooth from eating a cup of soup and crackers ... the tooth was a 1000.00 crown and post that when this wiggling tooth popped out - it had a peg on the bottom,,i didnt know it was a crown and peg,,i see now its gold under porcelain - so this is the Fourth tooth that has fallen out(im just horrified)
there is no help for my teeth until i get approved for medi-cade
also my feet are under attack (toes keep rolling and not staying in the joint..i keep loosing my babytoes,,they fall right outta the socket..they may need to be amputated ,,ohMYGOD how could this be happening to me and what does it all mean.
as far as home life,,its all sureal ,,i have calmed down and im not manic now,,but im on the razors edge and just a little bit of pressure will set me off.
this depression is deep and i need help.
i cant go in front of anyone,,or dont wanna mingle with anyone - im so embarrassed about my state OF BEING AND HOW IM FALLING APART PHYSICALLY.. ITS ALL SO SCARY
i drempt that i was running from fire last nite,,and someone was chasing me thru the country side - and fire would come up from the ground and blow towards me,,i had to run like hell and then i saw a man walk into a bath tub and he disappeared,,i saw then that it was a trap/ secret door at the bottom of this ball/claw tub - it took him under ground,,i tried to follow but i woke up then.
i felt so weird when i woke up - i gotta look that up to see what it means.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

i see that
this road im on is about to come to a deadend.
it happened again..this morning
she just went off and continued to grill me,, what the fuck is going on here
why do i not know this person at all,why is there a issue,i am sooooooooooo
cunfussed about this
infact its all soo weird and surreal
so again the cats are afrraid and ran to hide as soon as her voice was yelling and
i just looked at her and walked outta the room,
i came to the front to breath,and here comes the yelling
i need to think and to understand and i cant -- i dont understand any of this and why is this happening
what all did i hear her say ??
1 i am crazy
2 shes sick of my negitivity
3 i didnt get her tampons(she said dont,now im in trouble for it)
4 i honestly cant even think of what she said cuz none of it is any good
wheni write it down it seems frivolus and un important, but to live thru it its awful and heavy and very crule. i am not5 understanding this at all
very crule very cold
im not about to say anything tho because it doesnt do any good - i have all this in my heart and its not helping me at all,,i have all of it right here
in my heart and my heart is broken.

Friday, December 04, 2009

what is
IWALWTWS please advise asap,,,thank you sooo kindly for the kind message again, please,, thank you very very much
( looking pretty bad these days )
thank you for the comment, anonymous =
As Eve LaPlante discusses in her book, Seized, the intense emotions, sensory experience including vibrancy of colors, and particular mental state provoked by temporal lobe abnormalities may have contributed to the creation of significant works of art. A number of well-known writers and artists are known, or in many cases suspected to have had temporal lobe epilepsy.........
TLE is very very serious thing and i see sooo many ppl with such terrible conditions and i think im lucky that i "only" have RA, BUT you know what?? its all B-A-D and its all life stealing
i used to have a life,,i used to laff and enjoy people,,now im scared to be around anyone - i cant come to terms with whats happening to me..i cant because my foundation is not stable and how can i build my "house" when my foundation is so shakey?
ive been realllly very heart broken and depressed / last nite i was just doing all the regular things when kell snapped again and i just could not bear hearing how i am not doing what she wants / she gets so damn mad at me and just yells and im... i dont know...
i try so hard and its never good enuff.
i am sinking into a deep depression. i couldnt sleep last nite. i havent called my mom all week because im so depressed and feel like i dont have anything good to say. i dont wanna gripe -hell, i dont wanna even think of anything bad or negitive
kell is miserible at the job and doesnt like going to work at all.
i want a job so bad, somethnig that i dont have to get all cleaned up and wear high heels
because i cant do it - unfortunatly my knees and feet are going thru RA badly the past few months. they hurt always. but i dont complain about it so people just act like i cant run all over the city and do everything all damn day long ...every single step on my feet hurt .
i was on 15 mg prednisone (as per the doctor who is NOT a rheumaologist)to stop it,, but i could not sleep or even think straight so i just cut it back to ten mg days ago,,,then ,, then today im starting back on 5 mg - i cant handle this prednisone at all..
i had an appt over at the family and childrens services,with a case manager named amy and shes nice,,, young tho - but smart. not patronizing thank god ...
i was just discussing my situation and i just became unglued by talking about it....
i started to just let it all out but i didnt make any sense- told her i cant keep on going like this and im just about 2 inches away from really going INSAne.
i told her im very mad now and upset because ... because nothing makes any sense to me any more,ive been living in a superficial world and now,,now everything is showing itself to how there really is no such thing as LOVE and how we may be living a lie BY thinking its all going to be ok but its not,and nothing really matters-i dont even know why im alive and what good i am doing except hogging up air? ive lost my faith in jesus and in all that religious stuff is a lie...there is no life after death, isthere? no,,i dontthink so,,i think life is a crule joke.
basicly i think "i am my job" and i have no job, so im nothing.period.
ive lost who i am and i cant find me anywhere... i am having a hard time with everything,i just hate looking into ther mirror ,,i dont like what i see... i got really old all of a sudden. my hair is awful. my face is awful and i dont know how anyone could ever love me..its like im old and worthless my personality has changed and my opionins have changed.
i dont have any sense of humor anymore- who the hell am I??
OK.. ok.. ok so this is how ive been feeling inside.
questioning my life value , and other huge questions like" is there a God? "
my little halfsister kelly biwer in minnesota had a baby girl ,and none even told me -that just showed me how they have placed me into the "whatever" pile.
i feel numb and like i have a punch in the stomach. i just dont have a good feeling about any of it. i need someone to trust and to talk to -- someone who doesnt judge - someone who can understand how serious this all is to me

modern science catching up with ancient knowledge (planet X is comming back around to see us again)