Friday, December 04, 2009

( looking pretty bad these days )
thank you for the comment, anonymous =
As Eve LaPlante discusses in her book, Seized, the intense emotions, sensory experience including vibrancy of colors, and particular mental state provoked by temporal lobe abnormalities may have contributed to the creation of significant works of art. A number of well-known writers and artists are known, or in many cases suspected to have had temporal lobe epilepsy.........
TLE is very very serious thing and i see sooo many ppl with such terrible conditions and i think im lucky that i "only" have RA, BUT you know what?? its all B-A-D and its all life stealing
i used to have a life,,i used to laff and enjoy people,,now im scared to be around anyone - i cant come to terms with whats happening to me..i cant because my foundation is not stable and how can i build my "house" when my foundation is so shakey?
ive been realllly very heart broken and depressed / last nite i was just doing all the regular things when kell snapped again and i just could not bear hearing how i am not doing what she wants / she gets so damn mad at me and just yells and im... i dont know...
i try so hard and its never good enuff.
i am sinking into a deep depression. i couldnt sleep last nite. i havent called my mom all week because im so depressed and feel like i dont have anything good to say. i dont wanna gripe -hell, i dont wanna even think of anything bad or negitive
kell is miserible at the job and doesnt like going to work at all.
i want a job so bad, somethnig that i dont have to get all cleaned up and wear high heels
because i cant do it - unfortunatly my knees and feet are going thru RA badly the past few months. they hurt always. but i dont complain about it so people just act like i cant run all over the city and do everything all damn day long ...every single step on my feet hurt .
i was on 15 mg prednisone (as per the doctor who is NOT a rheumaologist)to stop it,, but i could not sleep or even think straight so i just cut it back to ten mg days ago,,,then ,, then today im starting back on 5 mg - i cant handle this prednisone at all..
i had an appt over at the family and childrens services,with a case manager named amy and shes nice,,, young tho - but smart. not patronizing thank god ...
i was just discussing my situation and i just became unglued by talking about it....
i started to just let it all out but i didnt make any sense- told her i cant keep on going like this and im just about 2 inches away from really going INSAne.
i told her im very mad now and upset because ... because nothing makes any sense to me any more,ive been living in a superficial world and now,,now everything is showing itself to how there really is no such thing as LOVE and how we may be living a lie BY thinking its all going to be ok but its not,and nothing really matters-i dont even know why im alive and what good i am doing except hogging up air? ive lost my faith in jesus and in all that religious stuff is a lie...there is no life after death, isthere? no,,i dontthink so,,i think life is a crule joke.
basicly i think "i am my job" and i have no job, so im nothing.period.
ive lost who i am and i cant find me anywhere... i am having a hard time with everything,i just hate looking into ther mirror ,,i dont like what i see... i got really old all of a sudden. my hair is awful. my face is awful and i dont know how anyone could ever love me..its like im old and worthless my personality has changed and my opionins have changed.
i dont have any sense of humor anymore- who the hell am I??
OK.. ok.. ok so this is how ive been feeling inside.
questioning my life value , and other huge questions like" is there a God? "
my little halfsister kelly biwer in minnesota had a baby girl ,and none even told me -that just showed me how they have placed me into the "whatever" pile.
i feel numb and like i have a punch in the stomach. i just dont have a good feeling about any of it. i need someone to trust and to talk to -- someone who doesnt judge - someone who can understand how serious this all is to me

modern science catching up with ancient knowledge (planet X is comming back around to see us again)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

OK,,, Shit I am going to have to open a separate window to respond because the Dilantin I am taking F's up my memory... (Great excuse when I am not paying attention) HAHA!

Hold please (refferring back to blog so I know where to start..) Window number two opened successfully!!!

Thank you for the very intellectual response on my TLE... I will say that after starting the medication I feel much more together... I swear to jesus or whomever that my neurons and electrons were prob on crack before!!!! I could barely finish a thought it was humiliating...

Your comment "i used to have a life"... Tell me about it, when you were the happiest you have ever been???

Your laugh... *smiling*
Don't be scared! You have nothing to lose!!! People will love you!

Usually when foundation becomes unstable you are forced to rebuild it, and what a relief and rewarding outcome!

I won't get into Kell and her anger towards you, I will say that frustration builds and is channeled the wrong way when we don't talk about the things that bother us... There is a right and wrong way to approach that situation.. You know what is right and what is wrong..

You want a job??? I think that part will be easy... You are talented.. Tell me what you want... We'll make it happen...
No high heels, they are over rated, but cute for dinner on Saturday nights! lol

RA that monster!!! I am in the process of educating myself with your disease i am sorry I am uneducated in that regard..

All of us have a job to take care of ourself, and to live our life!!! YOU ARE STILL ALIVE!!! THERE IS A WAY TO GET BACK TO WHERE YOU WANT TO BE.... LIVE IT NOW!!! YOU CAN I PROMISE!!!

Your beautiful... Look in the mirror and know it... believe it... feel it...

Your personality has changed and you feel differently because your not happy, for reasons prob you only know!! Change it!!! I'll help you!

My family does the same shit!! I don't bother myself with it anymore because all it does it make me feel bad.. not happy upset etc... Call them! Start the dialogue!!

I am someone you can trust, I do not judge, I know its serious....

OK this is cheese ball but I am going to show you anyway.. This is my cheeseballyness coming out!!! read it... I do it.. Its refreshing... It helps me...

OK.. my back is killing me my eyes are crossing and I have another 4 hours of work at least.. I'll watch for your update...

modern science catching up with ancient knowledge (planet X is comming back around to see us again) LOVE IT!!!