Friday, December 11, 2009

havent been here at the computer 4 awhile..things were outta control and i had no energy to deal with anything other then survival.
im on this roller coaster ride and ive been trying get off of it.i just about crossed the thresh-hold of leaving and never coming back.
things got outta control and no matter what i tried,,nothing worked
and it sent me in to a manic state for days and days i was spinning.
i couldn't organize any of my thoughts -
i know i cant make any hard core decisions until my mind sees the truth and understands the truth, i feel like im now on that path.hoping.
i ended up back at family and children's services and accepted the diagnose and the drug,,anxiety drug for my manic state...its called vistareil and it is GREAT for me,,it does work and its none addictive and with out too many side effects.
i had my appt on Tuesday with Amy,,my case wrkr -- we composed a letter together with all my information and its to be signed by the doctor(shrink) and submitted to the SSDI- powers- that- be. this is a good thing and i feel like its the last effort we have for winning my case.
i lost ANOTHER tooth outta my mouth. lemme explain...
dentist Xrays show complete deterioration of my jaw bones,,so the teeth are wiggling and loose..i have no support and even tho im easy on my mouth i still lost a tooth from eating a cup of soup and crackers ... the tooth was a 1000.00 crown and post that when this wiggling tooth popped out - it had a peg on the bottom,,i didnt know it was a crown and peg,,i see now its gold under porcelain - so this is the Fourth tooth that has fallen out(im just horrified)
there is no help for my teeth until i get approved for medi-cade
also my feet are under attack (toes keep rolling and not staying in the joint..i keep loosing my babytoes,,they fall right outta the socket..they may need to be amputated ,,ohMYGOD how could this be happening to me and what does it all mean.
as far as home life,,its all sureal ,,i have calmed down and im not manic now,,but im on the razors edge and just a little bit of pressure will set me off.
this depression is deep and i need help.
i cant go in front of anyone,,or dont wanna mingle with anyone - im so embarrassed about my state OF BEING AND HOW IM FALLING APART PHYSICALLY.. ITS ALL SO SCARY
i drempt that i was running from fire last nite,,and someone was chasing me thru the country side - and fire would come up from the ground and blow towards me,,i had to run like hell and then i saw a man walk into a bath tub and he disappeared,,i saw then that it was a trap/ secret door at the bottom of this ball/claw tub - it took him under ground,,i tried to follow but i woke up then.
i felt so weird when i woke up - i gotta look that up to see what it means.

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