Friday, January 30, 2009

im almost ready to go,,i gotta drive 2-day,,roads seem clear enuff
today i gotta do alot of running around. make up for three days no go,,,,,(ice)
i gotta make a list of what all to do,im confused about what to do today,,well,i wil just calm down and take care of whats in front of me and deal with a list when i get back from driving downtown.


back made it no prob,,i took it slow,,and i was able to drive w/o any issues.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

i jus luv lookin at ufo sites/as if anyone needs to know.
im here,still icy roads and im not driving K 2 wrk.
she made it on the icy roads again! shes good.
i can go have my x rays done as soon as these roads clear,perhaps tomorrow.
its freezing and i cant seem to get along in such cold stiffels me.
heating pad for my RA in my neck last nite to kill the pain,,it worked,and i feel oK toady,but as we all know with ra,,ya never know how long a good-"i can do it" feeling will last ....
i wonder where my sense of humor went,,im not being as silly as normal,,somethings making me act all serious,OH i know ....still stressinig b/c
* my trial and the judge *(bless him lordJesus to find favor for debrabmaddox in his heart to approve the deal SSDI-Amen) i need my sence of humor back,im so boaring without it.
the judge has not made his mind up in regards to me yet,,its official,,i got this info from my atty yesterday via email. gulp,,i do have faith and i know it will all wrk out so,,no worries,,just do good and only good, to myself and all others.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

pic taken days obama shirt!
its 6.30 am i dont feel good b/c of my neck hurting and i also feel shakey unstable,, and easy to fall over, i need to wake up...its slow going/ i dont feel RA like i did last nite,,i really
had RA bad last nite,,,nothing could touch my hands and body,i was so tender and on the edge of pain going on for so long, i feel asleep at 6.30-woke up to all the cats playing on me at 10.30...i stay up awhile to tt kelly and she was having a hard time with feeling nausea and a unstable stomach. i took benodril at ten thirty and passed out again and didnt want to wake up at 6.10 when the alarm went off.....gotta go help K now! BBL....
afternoon is sunny but only 25 degrees outside,Buuurrrrrrr,my bones hurt and my feet r numb,even tho its toasty warm in the house.
im in a funk,i feel anxiety and inability focus. i will be so happy when spring comes, im not ment for the cold anymore. if im cold i just cant think. i jus wanna sleep thats all.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

boobooooooo,we jusLuvhim..hes so damn sweet about everything

"kelly dont worrie about yer student loans,,its all gonna end at 2012 anyways" not that i wish that at all!!! its just,,,just,,i feel the Age of Aquarius is Upon Us. all the signals say....the Prophets have written,,so on and so fourth. ----
a late start this AM,, its cooooold and icy and THANKGOD we have power ,,, Kelly made it to work,i didnt drive...roads are really slick,and only a few pppl are at work today - K said she wanted to go soo..she made it no problem.
i added a video of what we saw while driving out west yesteday (driving out to drs. office)
ive never seen sooo many fools just flippin their cars over left and right. why dont ppl slow down? i just dont get it. ~Ohwell,,dont dwell~
2.00 pm: im up from my nap ,,i still dont feel so good b/c -i was so stressed and over did yesterday with all that activity driving on ice all the way to a doctor's and then to the pharmacy to wait to fill,,prednisone..and then careful to get home on ice.seeing all those accidents was a mental downer (i thank the lord for the protection and level head to be safe)
~ im going to check the outdoors now,,i hear it sleeting . then i think i need to lay back down damnit.
kelly gets outta work early today
just a earthbound misfit...i.

Monday, January 26, 2009

back from bedlam and i saw dr whitte again,2X now,shes understanding and a good listener, she took everything down on her new laptop.
(they were in a computer system upgrade and it took awhile to get outta there)
she issued my prescriptions , straightened out the mess and no prblem
and she... ORDERED XRAYS... thank GOD IN HEAVEN i will get my spine and hips and hands and ams(elbows sholders) XRAYED! i am now with more audacity of hope again...
i know know once they see elbows andhads and neck andfeet,,they will see the damage-and i will see the damage---i want copies of my Xrays,(i will post them here when i get them)
weather update
as we drove out to bedlem ,,,and saw car after car in the ditch - some were even ambulances
i saw the driver was injured and the abulance was crunched front drivers side,Bad!!! cars and trucks all in the ditch,,just like i said before,,armagedon around here,,we drove slow and paid attn and were able to drive all the way out there and back w/o issue!!! the roads are so icy its dangrous to even try now that the sun is down,,its deadly dangerous really. we may loose power,oh god !!not the power!!! i have memories of just last winter we froze with out power for over five days.
heres what we look like right now at

good monday morning all U RA ppl out there!heeheeee
i am back from droppin off the girl -now i have toget prepaired for tasks today.
~ a storm is comming so i gotta go p/u my meds --pharmacy is far away- so i was waiting for prenisone and flexiril i want all ready to go when i get there----they said that they have been trying to get approval,,,but no like wha>? OMG dont tell me,,we have a problem filling my prescriptions again!
i dropped off those scrirpts a month ago so it would not be a hassel NOW,,well, its a hhassle NOW they must have lost my prescriptions,,OMG im sure,,sooooooo i have no prednisone,

i see doctor tody BUT a storm is comming and we dont know how serious,,but i need my prednisone before this town shuts down while ice and snow come,,we just can not handel ice or snow here in tulsa,,every one freaks out - they drive like crazy madmen -panic when snow or ice comes along,,its just like armageden around here,,i tell ya,,people just really freak out, everything shuts down..crazy just crazy (((im from minnesota)))nothin shuts down there.

more later,,gotta go down stairs and take care of my urge to smoke a cigatrette (I KNOW-BAD GIRL) but the strss is too much,,we caved in,,we got a box of patches and we wanna quit it again,,but we gotta decide when we will do it/ no problem.quitin' is for quiters....and i aint no quiter! dangit!

today is the begining of the year of the OX thats ME! october 3 1961,,im a OX and its pretty accurate on what is said about me.....

last paragraph says it truely:
Oxes hate to ask for help. If it takes them twice as long to accomplish something, they still prefer working alone. They want things to last and build them with care. Oxes love their home and family and provide well for them. They do well at long term investments with stability and firm foundations. (((OMG all ive been sayinfis i want a foundation)))) They are definitely not gamblers. Oxes earn their success by their own merits and don't expect any free rides.
sounds just like me......
things shoud be good now starting today! yeaaaa!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

i found some good pics of my neck and swelling and this is the area of most pain. to move my head about just normally is painful .. moving side to side is painful.weird howit came outta no where,,,and it wont leave / IM taking 2 darvon at the same time,,means I really hurt --but thats what i have to do tonite,,b/c its just too painful,,OH i remembered also that my doctors appt is tomorrow monday at 1.30 pm.
she (the dr.) was gonna find a rhemuatologist for me...(pray)
i am unmotavated because the weather is depressing and cold dreary.
these are my viruses i cannot get removed, im stillworking on it.
big time bugs from downloading music & videos.
at least i have BOTH drives showing now,,i could not access my other 180 gig OR my plextor to took a a day to break it down and redo - everything. IDE and nic card were not working.
IE would just collapse on me while just browsing.. i just used firefox until IT started to do the same dame thing -
i knew then that i cannot ignore these viruses,,and i should fix it,,sooo,,,thats what ive been doin' . messing with the the guts of my 'puter.
I wish i could buy a new puter,,i "want windows 7 "coming out.

its a cold sunday morning,ive been up since 7.00ish...i feel weird.
Iive been loookin at the latest UFO stuff and trying to be quiet and meditate on positive things.
the cats are frisky cuz its cold, and the weather is calling for storms to come in,,with ice and snow? we'll see tho-you never know with our can change in a split second.
i still feel that punch in the gut feling,,im stressed and tryingNOT to be stressed.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

try to live alittle -willya?

my haircolor results,,ho-hum

art ,,ineed art i need to do art.

i am scared and depressed deep down, ive had this feeling before,its when i thought i was worthless,then i got over that with help from K, but now i feel worhtlessness again.its kind of scarring me cuz i become so deeply painfully hurt in my soul.
i cannot control it(feeling of worthlessness)
i am not doing some self pity thing either,,,i could care less about me at this point -i just wanna feel secure in my environment and feel like i am loved, and respected....the nerve of me,thinking i could be happy? HA! riiiiiight, nothing has gone Right for me for YEARS now,i am under some kind of jinx,a spell,ive Never had such a hard time just tring to get by and understand just what my purpose here iS? i mean really?
why am i here,,i have no clue.
i hate rheumatoid. i dont feel good.
i do love this lil kit tho.thatsfersher!
~about RA i just read his: Autoimmune diseases are the eighth leading cause of death among women, shortening the average patient's lifespan by fifteen years.

Friday, January 23, 2009

im so uncomfortable and my fingers have bad splits so its hard to type,,plus i just really dont feel good today - im utterly depressed so,,,,

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

i couldnt blog this AM, i feel like im going into a flare,, probably from messing with my does of prednisone,,(forgot it couple of days ) and im paying for it now,,it stores in youe system so i didnt se any imediate results but i do now,,i reallly forgot how badly my feet used to hurt,,like tears to my eyes hurt...and i feeel that now,,im sure i will be OK i just gotta take it easy and no lifting or anything like that,,(all this after i vaccume hehehee)
im drained of all energy, this is why the no post in the AM.
i think imdrained from crying all damn day yesterday from the shrink,,then to the man we voted for,Obama,i watched it and had to cry all day over it,,,it was as if i knew him,,i kept saying ,,im so proud of him and his family-they are a great role model of family unit with love respect =im soooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy about barack, but then i see how the whole world is worshiping him,,its almost scary,,like ,,is he the antichrist? noWAY! thats just crazy,,ya ever know tho..must be dilagent and pay attention to the signs.
~thinking about "the signs" i see good good ppl struggeling now days, never had issues before but now,,,,and i feel like the more you believe in god-and do good,,the devil works even harder to get you to deBunk God - and believe its all just old sumarrian traditions turned into and evolved from ,,those days and whats on cunneform, we do have science to concider but i believe science and religion CAN blend and be concidered in all.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

its tues, i saw tracy (shrink) this morning and its COLD out,,but sunny- i have t o get my drivers license renewed but i dont have energy,,i hae smeared mascara from the shrinks hour w/me. i cry Alot -we figure i am not accepting the RA - i have to learn to accept it then work wiht it,,i mean ...treat it, or whatever,im tired still and im supposed to get up,i cant RA'D in my insides,,and hands and feet are swollen it hurts to type and takes forever just to get few words out,ill come back later

Monday, January 19, 2009

its midnite,iwoke up from a dream, something was wrong w/our cats,i shot right up,and got up to see all 3 are just fine. TG.
have to put tinfoil in every plant so star doesnt pee in it.UG! these were brought in from the freeze

awwww we love lil snails

we love this jihad

whatim doing RightNOW....getting hooked on UFO's

early morning MONDAY is a holiday for most,,,its MLK day,,,,,,awwwww then barack becomes our next official president(love his honesty) we r right in the middle of world changing events,,and i do think things are goingt o get weirder and weirder as we get closer to 2012.
the dawning of the age of aquarius. (HAIR-great film)i uploded a quickie .avi of star cuz shes just so damed cute about everything.

thats whats saving her ass is her cuteness-i swear shes peee'd in my plants,,i have to keep having Kel haul plants downstairs so i can clean the soil and Star-proof them all,,,like this :

Saturday, January 17, 2009

its Saturday,im up; with my neck and kelly is still sleeping,,which i would not be surprised if she slept all day because she just ran out of all energy
last nite,we went to the show-the silent show starring Rudy Valentino,(Italian) in "the sheik",,i should have brought my camera and glasses ,,it was so cute just like last time,,i loved it and well,,i could not read most of the words on the screen -i got the " just of it all",tho........
thru facial expressions,,thats really how they acted back then,,so dramatic-hey....kinda
reminds me of me-hehee.
we got in at ten and thats LATE for me,,so i awoke this morning at about 8.30 with kittybaby and elvis all over me tellin me to get up so they can play! -ohh these cats around here
HI GLORIA, i haven't been my self lately,ive been in a struggle"on the razors edge" of a mental Breakdown,,whats stoppin me?KLONIPIN!=--really lessens the intensity that i feel inside when i think of my future and my disease and my situation and i feel bad for kelly cuz she has the world in her hands now,,,and shes stuck with me,,i cant follow thru on most things,,but,,i try
I TRY SO HARD but i run out of energy so quickly- i get so lethargic and slow by the time ive been up and going for 4 hours,,that i just collapse and need to sleep for 3 4 hours,,its like that every day,,its called NO TREATMENT for my RHEUMATOID........
i dont have much stamina...i about faint walking up our knees hurt with every effort.
here are some current pics of my RA:


people may say to me,,hello deb how r u today????? and i say ... OMG: im fine,,(faking it tho)
because of all of this

funni video- i LoVE this lady who is being arrested by police...
she should just get an escort home:

Friday, January 16, 2009

wow,I'm so behind here, seems like a week has passed. heeheee.
Kelly has completed her last class,,and waiting for her grade,I'm sure its gonna be A+.
we go to graduation o February 14th,cute.
how exciting tho,,she holds a bachelors degree in business and that's really really really something.(it wasn't easy) and what else,oh its friday ,,we are going to that show again, i wrote about it a month ago, where you watch a silent movie read and watch -and- hear-listening to the pipe organ play along with,,its perfect, we are going to watch Rudolph Volantino in his first film, (silent of course)ahhhhh darn i cant think ofit,, google timeout:
BACK,,oh of course,,,,The Sheik .duh!found it:
me im doing OK,,wote a letter to the judge and gathered about 50 pictures of RA and me,,for the past 4 year span ... good thing i like to take pics, justhope and pray its acceptible

lets not forget:
16 11:55
FLASHBACK - Colin Powell: “There’s going to be a crisis come along on the 21st or 22nd of January that we don’t even know about right now.”

Thursday, January 15, 2009

something MUST be wrong w/me,,i usually blog while waiting for my prednisone and ibuprofen or darvon to kick in ..but ive been smoking so that's changed the morning routine,
shame shame shame.. but we have a box of patches,,so we will quit again just like big deal.
also - i feel detached i am doing things like stand in front of the coffee maker for the entire time it makes 8 cups,,,it takes forever ..just starring off
my neck hurts, im anxious and i am detached,,thats the morning report...i just dont know what to say at this point.
i wrote a letter to the judge "his honor" in regards to my situation,,because i was beside myself on the day of my trial,,,,,i cannot believe that my RA isnt mesurable or weigh in court,that i dont know to do the letter and pics and hope to god.
goes right along with what i say about services these days,,every ones so effing grumpy when they hand you your burrito-out of the drive thru-and mean and i hate that-were's all the brotherly love and it takes a village,,,,i sense something wrong when im out running to walmart or getting gas or just in traffic in general,,everyone seems like a fake robot =its hard to type,,my keyboard sux and my fingers hurt soo,,,i will come back later,,after i see if i can pull it together,,go wake up K and serve coffee" yummie..thank god for coffee"

shhh well,HELLYES its a concern

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

its 6.30 am,,i feel OK- still burned from SSDI hearing tho,
i am gonna get a photo story togethr and request that that be weighed in,,someones gotta do something cuz my atty did not have enuff w/ evidence,,he should have said judge, or, your honer my client has active rheumatoid for 5 years and she doesnt control the medical world,,she has followed directions and sought help in every corner of tulsa, but RA is not common and medical help is just not there for debra maddox-also id add that the drugs i take for rheumatoid are also contribute to her ..gotta go,,its time to help K..
back..poor Emachine..hes alittle sick,,im sure its cuz he licked all th iodine off himself..from late yesterday ---i spotted a patch of "possibly" ringworm --again---i also treated scotty,,aka boboo,,for what could be ringworm under his chinny-chin-chin, -that is why i think its RW cuz he cant clean himself there,,its a hard to reach area for the lil booobear-heheee,hes so cute-i jus luvhim so so so much-
elvis is strong and the leader of the cat world here,,elvis rules and boooo just goes along with what ever elvis says, but booboo likes to play with star and elvis gets mad or jealous of the baby,,he really will compete for my attention ///im careful to treat each according to their individual needs-awwww..luvluvluvthosecats.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

same day just later
i went out to "medical arts building" this am,,in hopes of getting my LEXAPRO refilled,, back now and have LEXAPRO 20 mg per day.
i am glad thats over with,,(the place freaks me out but i dont think its appropriate to say why)
i just am grateful for the "handout" it was free and i am indigent- my new word....
so applicable
im soooo in pain from head to toe from the fall last nite,,my elbows both hurt,,just haveing the sleeves/fabric touch my elbows hurts them, and my neck is bad,,its all swelled and goes across the entire of my upper back - i hurt and thats about it....
everythign else just sux. im sure ill get over it all,,but right now,,i really have a depressed - ajatated and resenting-attitude and i think anybody in my position would be right about now,,
PS: this is why ppl go out and by guns and start shoooting.GOODTHING thats just not my style
i am up,,i fell last nite,,i feel down the basement stairs and it hurt my back myhand(L) and elbows hit the stairs to,sothey hurt,, that fall jiggeled up my organs,,,i mean they hurt, and i swelled up like a pregnat woman again....
i MUST photo this for proof..but to prove to who? who cares really?
"F" this.....i have bad attitude now -B-A-D.
so now everyone believes me when i said i dont think i feel OK w him....a;ll im saying here folks,,just ..i mean,,i know its just me,,but its so important to me and it is ll in the hand s of doctors who didnt know what to do to help me,,cuz they were not rheumatoligists...just
2 years ago---i complained --i bitched--i said i dont want him.
this is why,im left out here now to die from rheumatoid
had to edit,,bleepnig part- ,,we cant even afford to heat our house, we have two bahtrooms but in one-shower plummuing is jacked up we only get hot scolding water,,,we need a plummer,,,we need our car waterpump fixed,,we need love and support- we need friends we can talk to--we need underwear and socks for winter,---nevermind winter is almost over now-- we have both NEVER NEVER in 7 years,,we have never gone out ...its true,,we have never gone to dinner ,,weve beeen to the theater 2 x in seven years and i had frree passes-
we havent been to a party or had any real fun (we did go to the zoo 2 or 3 x tho)
we dont do that stuff cuz we cannot afford it,,im down to begging online for old clothes people no longer need,,so i get things that have a stain or missing something or too small buti wear it anyways i just dont get it,,god,,the more i type and think about it,,im wondering what the hell im even doing ,,,trying to live,,like,,,,"WHY? im just wasting time and space here,,ive nothing to contribute to make this better place,or me a better person,,i feel doomed and helpless and im so effing tired of getting yelled at and feeling like a dumbshit,,or inadiquite bump on alog thats dumb as a box of rocks---there,i said it,,now i have to go run a bath and act all happy,,cuz kellys getting up now, and i have to"do TODAY" I DONT WANT TO THO.
alone out there.

Monday, January 12, 2009

im here,im numb,and im completly in a dream or a nightmare really,,,,and i wanna wake UP! I have just been thru hell basicly --now iknowim alittle dramtic and all but i just got screwed bad- ive had years of suffering from this rheumatoid arthitis, i dont look the same and my body has changed,,i was healthy and strong and always cheerful- now im not- i am having a real real real hard time dealig with this shit and how its totaly ruined my life.
my atty is patronizing and i was humiliated in front of the court and i felt completly beside myself when i realized i am getting railroaded here,,,, i have to do something

Sunday, January 11, 2009

its a sunny BUT a cold sunday,,i've been asleep from stress ever since the SSDI on friday afternon - i really hated every moment, i felt so hopeful UNTIL my atty scolded me at the morning meeting,he was stressed and OK but ,hey,,dudde,,youve got a job,,and im not feeling the support ---some of my medicl stuff was NOT in the files ????,,im the one here suffering with a neck thats getting worse- my hands are bad -and elbows are really bad. soo i cant write up too much here right now cuz kelllys really sick with a migrain headache and is sleeping- i have alot to do so i gotta get stated,,im ready to go but i gotta get organized - make a list and get dressed. i gotta stay focused (my head is in the clouds-im feeling surreal)

Saturday, January 10, 2009

why do all the criminals and bad people get everything and the honest/nice people get nothing

Friday, January 09, 2009

its the day,,the day see a judge about my RA (that monster disease)
Ive prepared the best i can and throw it to the lord to be blessed with the insurance i need so desperately- i will then get to see a rheumatologist and get some help for my aching bones joints and soul........(i feel like i will gt the benefits ) kelly and i are just on edge,,, we started to smoke again, and we will stop after we know what the decision is about my future and health.

i pray i pray i pray,,,so be it!

im back frrommy 10.00 meeting w my atty,,hes so so attty-ish,,i swear,,i cried nhis office cuz he scolded me for not answering the question,,he aked if ihave hobby's,,i said YES (thinking of art) and then i said but i cant anymore cuz of my hands,,he said so udont have a hobby then -- jesh,,eveyone's in such a effing grumpy mood,,and it makes me cry. my god,,its friday,,you all have a life,,whats to be so grumpy about,,,try doing NOTHING for ever,,it SUX!
ohmygod,i was denied,shit,basicaly-my atty said we have time -time to get Xrays and a shrink report, im very very upset and i feel a fucking flair comig from thr stresss
and kellys just a yelling and tellingme its my respnsibility and fucked up,,and why didnt i have whatever,,,,im in so much pain i did everythig i wass told,,shrinks,,tests,,freaky doctors,,all of it,,ive taken all the medicine,nothing now im just gonna kill my self a soon as i find a good UFO movietowatch and a jug ofwine and whateverelse i wanna effing DO
i look like shit and i feel like shit

Thursday, January 08, 2009

im trippin, i mean im all over the place with anxiety.....TOMORROW is the day-gulp-of a hearing in regards to my health and welfare- so,,,,im totally leaning on God here,and know that i have talked to shrinks -i have taken all my medicine -i have tried to work in a consistent manner-
but its all effected by my rheumatoid arthritis ---it is truly woven into the fabric of my life,,my shrink says i cannot accept it-that i have RA and its been years now-how long shall i play this game ,,and i need-i-MUST learn 2 accept it-
i am really really focused,,in fact could not blog yesterday because of forms i had to fill out all day long -and atty's to talk to - sooo we r at the moment of truth for me,,its the help i pray for and i so "need", i know my fate is in the lords hands but im doing everything here on earth to help out the lord as much as possible-
i am OK and feel like its all gonna be OK, and i have RA poppin' up -i feeel strressed and its making my elbows and hands and knees and hips and feet hurt(ra style) my hands are inflamed ,,,im taking some pics OK= lets review:
my hands this am (hurtin)
have a nodule on first knuckle
1st knuckle on R- hand-always the one to hurt badly.its tender