Wednesday, September 20, 2006

im upset right now from reading a .txt that i wrote in the middle of the night( underXtrem stress)and trying to honestly place what i feel on paper,,i want to post it here, i dont know why,,maybe a psychologist could find this,, and respond with whats going on mentally,,but i am having a very very hard time with depression and cant afford the medicine i have prescriptions for 2 anti-depessants but cannot fill them cymbalta and lexapro,,,(spelled wrong im sure)
anyways this .txt is very harsh and upsetting BUT its what fell outta me at 2.00 am i was exhaustd while writting it - i felt btter after writting it- i actully fell asleep then and slept thru the whole time untill kelly woke me at 8.45 am and i was soar " fleshey soar" its now 2.00 pm in the afternoon,im doing this now while i have energy,, i only have windows of energy, and this is one of them,,and i can barely breath and im weak and tired ,,,
i will NOT edit the . txt,,i want the natural thing to show,,even tho i perhaps was little over dramtic when i stated my daddy isnt the hero. or something like that,, that i thought he was,,,,
i know my dad reasds these blogs of mine so i dont want him to feel that i dont see him the same as i always have,,and always will no matter what he ,,if he were to just NEVER contact me again,,i would still cling to the belief tat he loves me no matter what,, AND I DO MATTER TO HIM i belive that,,and hope to god hope toGOD its true,,as im crying now over the emptyness inmy fucking heart of no parents for all my life and i always wanted parents,,BUT we" dont alwalys get what we want"......" but ill try sometimes,,,,,and i just mite find,,,,,ya get whatcha neeeeeed ooooohhhhyea! rolling stones, (seen concert 2x) if anyone is confused by now,,,

here is my .txt
gulp.....................................................................................................................ready set go .................
isaw mary thru this whole thing, she acted strange to me and to kelly i saw her be rude ot kelly straightup i saw her lie staight up,,(about going to buy my clothes when she alreay had them)(about other things i cant remeber)she went out of her way to (or maybe not intentional_) but the result was this, on everyday there was at least the issue of waiting forher, she knew kelly was starving but only brought enough for dad,EVVEN tho she knew i had made a breakfest and already fed dad,,so daD WAS NOT HUNGRY SHE FORCED HIM TO EAT QIECHE WITH HOT SAUCE WHEN HE doesnt like hotsauce........OMGshe cooked soo much it was overbord and when she was over here on sat night i was sick and she brought all the kids and steve just playing the gutar and had dad attention while kelly was worried and i was dying to just sleep to get away from the hecticness,,she was drunk drunk drunk-minimized my illness and said kelly was scaring me-----------i just observered that she didd all she could to devert dads attention away from us and onto to her by joking and laughing and goodtimes sunday i was ready to say she will not be seeing me for at least alllong time,,i think shs selfish and always giving soo much to anyone who needs, as long as there is a connection or some bennifit now or in future she doesnt love her husbnd tony who is a good guyshe was rude to kelly straigh up,,and kelly said mary gave her a couple of bad looks from time to timeso that imeditally placed her on the "no good for my environment" list.then placd her oin the im soo fucking pissed off at her list,.tuesday nite =tonite i was awakened by kelly who just came homei took awhile to wake up.i smelled cigarette,,i HAD TO GET UP,,i wanted one,,bad,,,,,i slinked out front to have onekelly on the phone w/ shawny,kellly looked cute and heathly and like she felt ok- i heard her tell shawny that she will consider the school and ok,,this ok that,,but she said somehting that must not have set right with me,,because i listened to all the conversation from just kellys side,BUT i went off when i "thought i just heard commitmnet" IM GONNA NOT DROP OUT when JUST yesterday kelly explained the math to me, as far as cost/ debt of phoenix versus what she really wants to do which is doing what her mom is doing..radioligytech,, good $ and great reward for helping people/ i thought yea she has a focus and saw the happy from her saying that she really really can dig that.i interuppted the call with a what? who r u talking 2? ,,as more (i forgot what words ) but i felt more and more UNeasy about that call,,i was really taken back by just kelly side of the conversatoin, enuff to make me just" go off"i was rude and snaped hashly an i know its true ......i just was shocked and felt like we need to talk again,,,,i felt weird about it so acted hatefull,,but i FELT REAL WEIRDkelly says its me,,if its just me then why did i sense something,,I DID I DID,,really senced somehing and it's what set me off,,perhaps my comparison to karen,she used to come to me 4 advise, then after a while she went for advise elsewhere,then into elswheres BED.................
i recall my reaction was of WHAT THE FUCK? and more words and i took a drag from my cigarette, and (damed i cant recall) i was like what r u taliking about(freakin out)
,,Back to school???TO PHONEIX??but i.. ,,i thought we decided yesterday TO WAIT UNTILL AUGUST, OR ATLEAST THATs what kelly did say,," just YESTERDAY well its official i dropped out and they emailed the papers....................we r gonna go debt forgivness on loan at metro, then have untill august to find a way to get into what she really wanted 2 do,,(medical) which is cheaper quicker and we even tlked about how they sometimes pay, kelly siad "THINK A LITTLE DEEPER DEBI",,i talked to my mom and the criteria is too much and i cant do it,, 40hours schol and a week - so i didnt think deep enough, i feel like a fool and she really wants to do it,BUTWAIT...did not i hear from her own mouth, many times her dream is in leagal feild somewhere ? we agree "there is no justice" and atty isnt what she wants but the legal path was always her dream,, she wanted to move toNY and be a paralegal..which just NY changed,, and not the feild of study,, so to stay in school in phoneix is only ONLY way to get there,,i guess,,i mean im no expert in schooling,,im the least quilified,to give avdise - even said that yesterday,i think kellly just said medical because it semed quick and good moneyi think kelly wants to stay in legal,i think kelly should just go to phonix and do the masters deal that we talked about to be-fucking-gin with.... ---------------------------------------------but i heard her complain the othe day with all thats going on,,one nite aweek is not what it really is,its everynite of doing things to go to that ONE NIGHT AWEEKthen she also felt that she was car salesmaned into this position and felt UNSURE of phoniex ,i dont know,,i just go along but i bucked tonight and it turned into ,,ima cunt shes a bitch and we argued 4 ever,,enuff to ruien everything,,now we are breaking up as like the last time & time before that -but my heart is blank andnumb i dont....i hate to say that but im not sure if its true,, i do feeel numb tho, under the numbness is afraid feeling,,very very afraid,like i have to go back to work or we just cant make it PERIOD .. and i resent that............. i feel like i worked my fuckinfg ass off while sick in fever and for 3 fucking yrs and now im colasping and where -what plans- why- what r we doing? we are just this tiny bit faralong then what we should be,, why r we getting burned over and over and over,, seems like thats what happens when things are NOT natural -like we are walking thru sluge, and im tierd - getting nowhere fast and everyday is closer to doom,why sit here and watch the storm blow in and ripp down our whole universe, i was born,(damnit),i had 5 years from birth to age 5 - of security,,and then it ended ,(secuity)then never ever again have i ever felt secure,i think im just a fool who thought i could do whatever i wanted and i DID!! -- i got my job i wanted ,, ifought hard and worked hard for these things i lug because i have ra,,i cant have them????,,all must be sacrificed for what,, pay for a fuckin shot ? a pill? move to lower my rent ? all my pathetic life i only wanted a foundation,, i just wanted a place where love could grow and heathly days and happy days,,friends and family .....but this house is ruiened now, i hate my family now and ,i dont want it,,i could care less for anythinf so fuck it all,im just gonna do whatever for now,,probably wait to se about ssi and what i can get, 500.00 a month . kellys leaving me,,so ill be moving to a trailer park to commit suicide pretty disapointed in the family support noone can help im a burden noone can help me--noone can help me --,selfish my sister and (she never once came to checkon me wheni had shingles)SHE IS a liar and maipulative to say the least / we saw her flat out lie to us and my dadmy dad really loves me, but in a way thats "just debi in tulsa,,shell be ok,,,,," but not enough to say ill pay for your rent 3 months so you 2 can get it together or come to minneapolise to the mayo kelly had observered somethings that were true andits about my family and it hurts,m,im real sad that my daddy isnt the supernam i thought he was, like kelly said,,he didnt do anything when mary was minimizing my disease andhe didnt protect me when i needed it,,so i can only count on that because its the truth(even tho pointed out that school/colledge for his family but =my family MY WICKED wicked mother,,we got no doctor no food no health no clothes no future and no educaton - so im 45 now,,IM FUCKED and sickas shit who,what thefuckwhat the fuck,,,i never ever thoughid be inthispositioni emailed my dad, because i think the house is a no can do according to kelly without help we just cant do it,it took my income and wihtout my income - we just cant do it the end09/20/06
life pretty much has turned against me in my older years,,i wonder what i did to piss god off so bad? i dunno...............


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