Wednesday, June 10, 2009

im scared and im in pain completly

once again i woke up in incredible pain,,all over,,i dont sleep well,im having such bad dreams,,i am always running from something,,and telling everyone ahead that i will catch up and then i cant ,,i get lost and left behind,,it wakes me up and im having this dream in different variations and i am scared when i wake up and i start to cry from fear
i think im very insecure about the future and about myself and i think when shit hits the fan we will regret my lack of health,,i am weaning off these meds and going all natural and this is why im worried and insecure,im winging this completly,,no idea what im doing rreally,,,shit,,im scared that just that! scared about my future and scared about 2012,,and scared we wont be able to surive with RA -- i told all this to the shrink,,they belittle me,,why,,i have always been told my instints are right on and i should follow them,,and i am,,and everyone thinks im freaking out,,but,, i give up on telling anyone about how when winter gets here,,ALOT of PPL WILL GET H1N! and i do NOT intend on being one of them,,go nowhere! wash hands and breath no one else's air,,i cant afford to get sick
kelly told me her job is just slamming w/ bankruptcies and BKs from rich and famous here in tulsa,,businesses going under left and right,,leaving town w/ out any reason and without any warning,,ts EFFING WEIRD
when i see the future, i get very worried,,i watched videos on youtube about foodstrage and its a headache,,id rather starve,,or if i had money,id pay someone to do it for me,,i cant lug around those bags whole grains and pack them to last for ten- fifteen yrs,,, ID LOVE to do it,,but i cant afford the food we eat today much less a stash,,god we r screwed!!!! i spent 100 dollars at the
g-store,,and its already about gone,, money is not going as far as it did just a yr ago,,sugar is high and coffee will soon become a luxury not a necessity
times are changing and ,,thats why i am having bad dreams and wake up in soo much pain,,
its so hard on me,,i never wanna give up tho,,i wanna fight like hell for what we have
i trust in the lord and he will make my path straight
i napped and i feel better now,its amost time to drive downtown(just five blocks or so) and p/u kelly,i am guilty of sleeping aaaaall day yesterday and aaaaaalll day today,thankGOD kelly wont getmad,,thank GOD i wont be harrased or judged -at least for right now anyways who knows tho,,things change and i cant keep up with what im saposed to be doing- i made apost today to sell off kellys old but new cell phone..and a sprint mogul from angela,,she loves technoligy and likes to get whats hot and she gives us the old stuff and thats just great,,i see my post didnt make it thru the moderator,,that "tulsa sel" and"tulsa buy,sell,trade yahoo groups" SUCKS noones buying,,i dont know if thy all went somewhere else or what> i signed up at craigs list and made a post for my belts and a few other things,,but no hits,,ppl just want it free or forge it,,no one can afford anything ... i swear!
ya know how im always saying "pray to St Francis for the sweet and precious animals to be protected",,i found THIS in wikipedia,
awww ,,being a Catholic girl growing up.. i think htis is my favorite saint...
i pray to him always thru the lord Jesus Christ amen!

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