Wednesday, April 01, 2009

its wed am (kellys stll sleeepin) i gotta hurry tho,i have just been thru hell again,,im only now able to sit and reflect on the events and discover new ways of living and new ways of thinking,,ive gotta break my hold on materieal things cuz when it all comes down to the "end" the only thing that matters is "how heavy is my heart" and have "i wronged anyone?" ..i must make ammends all before its lost forever,, i will bbl,,kelly just got up i gotta check on her (HI GLORIA)
--------------back and its starting to look more like spring now, the snow is alll melted away- and we still have tulips,whew,,i thought we lost them to the freeze.
im in a funk - after the shrink visit on friday ..then all the snow thru the weekend and kelly feelin so streessed and fixation on cleaning everything,,makes me jumpy and i can only jump in and clean wiht her,,like shs not alone,,and then pray the mania doesnt last for much longer.
we are really realllystressed out,,, and they aretaking away th ONLY thingthat kept me calm nd slowed the cring spells,,KLONIPIN,,because im in welfair state now then they can aretaking away al;l my pain meds darvon and klonipin because its welfare and they will NOT prescribe it,,SO IM WEANING OFF EVERYTHING -PREDNISONE INCLUDED,,IM OK AT TEN MILIGRAMS DAILY FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW,,IM NOW ON DAY TWO OF JUST 5 MG A DAY -see what happens then- go from there,,im also ALMOST OUT of lexapro and my dr whitte will not prescribe it ,(dont know why) so im gonna skip days and force myself off,and get a clean slate and find a new rheumatoligist (pray and it will happen) - i just GIVE UP on this welfare state tho,,they dont give a damn,,they are over-worked and treat EVERYbodylike a effing drug addict,,i resent being looked at like that,,and forget it,,i throw all these pills right back at you" doctor know it all! " F,***yer drugs and zombie state you want me in,,
OK, get this,,,,,, a doctor just spent only one (1)hour with me and pescribed a LIST of meds,,im like oh,kay=WTF! NO! =
i showed it to dr whitte and she said "im not prescribing that,",(geo-done or something like that?)
im like GOOD cuz i aint taking it either, sure in the hell cant afford it -even if i was gonna take it,
???? i wonder why dr whitte had such a nasty attitude with me?????,,,,im thinkin,if you have a bad day - then dont take it out on the patients,, we didnt ask to be loaded up with rheumatoid,i never signed up for this, soooooo BY GOD-DO NOT GET ATTITUDE W/ME,,U ..U ...DOCTOR! im so sick of "ego maniacs "in the healthcare system - u know what i mean? or is it just happening here in tulsa? we want to move away sooooo bad,,to a better state w/ more health care and resourses then what this little town called tulsa has availibe.

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