today is holloween - my favorite holiday,in my favorite month october,,its so"German",,and thats what i am,, kelly calls me lil'germanhead..and i call her big itialian head,hehehe -

hi im back,,its been about 1- 2 hours now,,my medicine just doesnt work like it used to,, its wearing off,,the potency i mean,,, i JUST called my primary,(i love him-dr wiseman and he is a wiseman) i tt nurse,,told her ive benn waking up crying for 2 weeks now,,thats under estamating -- told her i need my oxy refilled but weneeed 2 increase dose (10 mil- what i take) awhile untill we get this rhuematoid under controll,,i cant keep crying and scareing kelly god she just doesnt know what to do but just hug and conmfort me,,and thats sweet i love her
i took a picture of how i amable to type now medicated and with protection and its really one finger typing so fuck mistakes = cant go back to fix unless im board im tooo hurtfull now

ps,,,, it was joys birthday yesterday and we forgot to call and say Happy Birthday,, so we called now... and told her how much we appreciated joy and angela to come over, and help us winterize this ol'house and she (joy) left little treats behind- like a cinnamon candle burning sweetly, and she saw the list of supplys on the fridge,,she came back from the store - with a bag of what was on that list,,she never told anyone either,, thats an angel,,,right? we r blessed so when im in pain and crying because my bones hurt and my splits hurt,,i still think about the people i get to see like kelly, angela and joy, shawney and all her clan,,and mary and her clan,,and jennifer woodencrosss and her clan,,so,,we really have some good people here around,,i l;ike my doctor,,but i think i may have tochange rhuenatologists again - i dont want to,, but im worst and i have to get better,,i need november 8th to get here so i can find out aBOUT MY "womanlyness"( ovary has to go they say,,soo we shall see ..november 8th the big day,,,, gulp!)

i may.NEED.someone to talk to, like a shrink,,are there any out there?
,because now,, i just woke up ,,---but as usual-- after 5 minuets of being awake im CRYING
in pain-i dont want to wake up anymore its too painful,,
i just cant keep waking up in pain-every fuckin' morning why why why why ,,i am saying that its TOO MUCH i want a saw off my hands and feet.
time went by.,,took my pills,and now---
i have just calmed down enuff but EVERYmorn is so painfull,like the medicine wore off in the night and when i awake,i feel everything,i have splits in my fingers that radiate pain from the swellng while i sleep, i need to sleep at least 9 hurs i prefer 010-12 tho,,hahaaa hey i laughed,,my medicine is kicking in,10 ml pred and 3 darvons and 1oxy usully does it! heres my pics in order of mental breAK DOWN THIS AM.........

SUNDAY october 29th
i FEEL like shit! and i think it shows -i caught a cold or something,,kelly took this picture of me before i even looked in the mirror to apoprove a picture,hahaha................................. now ,,i spent 4 hours getting medicated and ready for TWO "angels" angela and joy- to come over to our drafty ol'house and fix the drafty-ness... its gonna be coldthis winter and we need to be ready - and we have hardly any money, so we have been blessed by 2 angels,,,kellys MOMS angela and joy,,,,they spent HOURs on our windows and lots $$$ to secure the drafty windows and north side of this ol' house,,it has made a huge differentce just in one day,,we went out on front porch and it was warm,,
* i went to get cleaned up a bit

i recieved an email as he is going to egypt for a holidAY with his friends
,,MY FATHER IS IN EGYPT now! thats kinda neat,, not just everyone gets to just hop on a plane and go to see the The Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt. i mean Really!
(as he celebrates his 65th birthday and in egypt as his obsession - and i i i now know where i get my obsession w/ egypt,,huuumm,,, bloood
email from my dad:
Wednesday 25 October 2006 Air Egyptair - Flight MS 0986 Depart: NY --Arrive: Cairo Int'l Airport Thursday, October 26, 2006 HES IN EGYPT RIGHT NOW OMg thats tooooooo damn kool-- i ONLY dream of it,,i have been down for days with this computer virus and issues with the power supply and other issues as well,,(me being sick with cold and fever)dont wanna give details on computer issues because its upsetting i had backed up tons of corresponsence with SSI and everyone,,all my emails and addresses r now GONE .. i must learn that everything isnt for.ever,,a HARD-- H-A-R-D lesson2 learn ,,i need to learn it with computers,,back it up or no bitching.

dont do the metho injections anymore,,feeling better about that,,my complaints of being too cold and too tired are disapearing and my energy seems to be increasing as days go by,,apitite increased as well,,(i guess i have may gained 5 pounds now) metho was killing me i did not like it from the begining,,and aways complained about it,,,
i have remicade soon,, nov something,,, my hands look injured and soar and boney? but i feel like i look better in the face,,or maybe NOT,,,i have issues now with my spine,it hurts all the time,All the time,most all in the upperr spine between shoulder ,,and also left hip inflMMED all to hell, left not right,, muggy weather and not so cold,,thats LUCKY! i feel strange tho,,like lights are on but noone is home,,weird,,, .i dunno~!

10-23rd ug~! not been well,,, no energy -hard to sleep, have not been clear inmy head for sometime,,dont know why,,i think the world is comming to an end,, someone mite say,,ah shes just pessimistic ..yaknow....................but i am NOT... i swear im super positive !!!
i am themostpositive ,,but the "air" is different now and im missing time and kellys getting tired of hauling my ass around,, no telling whats around the next corner,,but my bones hurt,,my hands are the worst they have been in a while,,its been since august since i TOOK anyMETHOTREXATE,,allllllllllllooooong time./// im just doing the remicade & prednisone-10 ml daily --End times are f- freakin me bad lately.

* bitched about my splits on my last blog,,they are just now healing up,,one is stll bad,, i should have taken pics,,i couldnt hold a camera,,,

my dad told me that grandma amanda biwer said " if u dont feel good - then go sit in the sun!!,,so i did,, and i felt good in the sun,,then the sun disappeared

and i was back at square one,HA! we need more sun around here thats a 10-4 ova!

i have no hands lately,,hurts to type..
later with the info/details of the late.
I am going to increase my pred- perhaps this will allow me to get thru typing,,i have bad splits in the tips of my fingers-- i should wouldtake a picture,BUT i dont have my camera software setup yet..i may stumble thru that NOW.. pictures are waiting on me,,,,

OMG!! I LOst everyting onmy HD,,virus and superSIZE takedown,,it took all this time to get AT-LEAST........ at- least right...... here to say "hi blog", but now - ihave at least 1-2 dAYS of insAtLLING allll my..world,,,my things,,
,,ive been soo sick and cold lately,,tired,but,, tryingKEEP doing all i can do to keep chin up - as they say,,,and move -move- get-er-done-feel like the world may just END tomorrow ,,seems like it is going to end,, if it does i said ....ha...TOLD YA!!...hehe.
VOTE baraCK OBama
i have to reboot now bye blog..teardrop

october 11 2006 -its beeen awhile,, ive slept alot & have been buzy when not asleep, i went thru a 3day OK then down,,,for few days then back up again, then back to down again = OMG no hands and feet,Today im comming out of "the second episode", my hands and feet feel MUCH better after 1.5 days of Nothing but REST. my appetite is good & ive been eating lots carbs so i can replenish my energy level...blABLALBA...
lets see,,what do i really wanna write about ,,,huuum, Ok it was our birthdays oct 3 me, and oct 8th kellbell, we went over to kellys moms for birthday pot.roast,(i call it roast.beast from "the grinch") a Roastbeast birthday supper and lots of love,,,,****kellys moms are"Us" in a few years,,with their solid foundation, homeownership,& the way they are,, its just,,,soooo us and undercontroll and firm, steady,symbolicly speaking that is.(WE LOVE:Consistency & Stability)

 

its our birthdays debi october 03 1961 Ouch!
kelly october 8 1969

we spent the third of october totally streessed about my CT scan,,on my birthday i got a call from my dr office about the results,,i could NOT belive my ears,,i ave issues and not good results,,as in issues that look like female stuff and other intersting things that i think are result of Methotrexate and i always said to all my doctors that the metho is messing with my falopian tubes,,i alaways said that ALWAYS said it to dr wiseman to dr mckay and dr gladd and hen dr malloy,,HE is the new dr at my Rheumatologist and hes only sen me 2 x then at that 2nd talk we had he injected my right hip w,cortizone(helped great) and insisted i have a CT SCAN ASAP he is the ONLY one who listened to me,,i told them i have a funky feeling in my ovaries espesially the left oone,,i NEVER Xpected this result in CT scan,,two weeks has gone by,,i neverheard a thing then on my birthday,,october 03.2006 they call with scary news and i have to see a special doctor now to deal with another fucking issue,,my god, i used to never get sick- now im just ,,,,,off the deep end,
im not worried tho,, i freaked out yesterday and went thru a breakdown TG for my klonipin-
i had to de-stress,, we prayed with my christian neighbors and they said i was healed in the name of jesus,,and guess what i feel really great today! HA how about that!?!
see my picture above???,,thats after all day at patsys and i still feel good,,i am thinking this may really go away,,we will see, METHO was taking me down- i swear /IM NOT TAKING IT EVER
again,i 'd rather go crooked and just notgoing to poisen myself anymore,, i have not had metho from september 8th and im getting my appitite back and everything,,
ps i love my dad

mondayPm october02.2006
im feeling very ra ish,,,,in my hands and feet and my Hips,Both of um, i cant sit on my own ass, really its because it hurts my hips so much while in the sitting position, -bloossugar.130 -sinus headach -no appetite -no energy
its 8.00PM and im so tired and hurting all over, we had a major home repair thing that took priority today,,a small leak turned into a big leak this morning unexpectedly - and a new leak in the basement, this is crazy! just crazy..
we went to home depot...
http://debramaddox.myphotoalbum.com/view_album.php?set_albumName=album04&page=1
and got the guy in the plumming deparmnt to look at our set up
on my LCD camera,,he told us a few ways to fix it,,we fixed it ,,took all day and we had to redo it over and over and over untill we stopped that most stubborn little leak ,anyhow,
kelly delivered the payload, she secured the project by the end of the day-
thats my little saying ...she will laugh when she reads this.

MONDAY.october02am.ish
i went to patsy's with kellbell yesterday-and REALLLLLLY over did it,, i worked with my hands -i had them wrapped in duct tape over wrists-knuckles and thumb knuckle were wrapped 4 protection, BUT i stayedWAY too long and worked way too hard, that i had gone COMPLETLY offf any type of pain meds,,,, and was finished for the day,i accidently hit a hornets nest with a broom and stirred them UP to chase me ,, its middle of the nite im waiting for these pills to kick 4.20rightnow,, so i am painfully typing thi s W/2 or 3 fingers only..back 2 story=
i ran sooo damn fast,,all i saw were those big black bees/wasps EW!!! comming after me,!!!
i was able to outrun them, and realize my right hip now is screwed up ,,i cant pull up my leg for the step..ohno,,cant walk...(right hip had Cortisone Injection)
i stopped "so-called"working and hungout at the pool soaking my hands and feet in icy COLD water untill we could get outta there kelly had to seed and fertilize
and come home.. we ate, showered and I went to bed i was in serous pain and it was hard to wait for the oxy and darvon to kick in, i fell asleep,,deep sleeep.. but bad dreams woke me up,,so im here NOW 12.30 -1.00 am and i have a harsh case of Anxiety and panic attack now, im having a hard time typing this because my hands are still hurt/i am now taking (2) 65 ml of darvon to kill this pain in my hands/feet and right hip,i messed it up from rumnning soo fast yesterday,,im gonna be spending tomarrow -MONDAY- down,,"as-in" unable to deliver any kinda payload,gives me time to catch up computer stuff (like read http://salubrious43.blogsome.com/)and send emails and look for my next art project.
** NOTE this would be th1st time in LONG time i left home w/o my camera,,,weird day yesterday was.......... Daily Overview for October 01, 2006 SUNDAYS horoscope-Quickie:Approach today with caution. Look for the signs that will tell you what to do.
in retro does this apply ? i was extemly depressed yesterday- worked @ patsys to keep myself occupied mentally & physically
i felt like i was walking a thin line -as in-"just go OFF at anymoment" but i refrained from any urge.
i felt EXTREMLY self conscious and even when i was alone duringthe day i felt like i was being watched. i teared up when i thought about vickey arnold and she just threw my things away knowing--- she KNEW the WHOLE TIME i was comming to get my things....
why r people so mean? i could never,,,intentionally hurt or sabotage anyone ,, its just not in me, to "think-like-that" omg im having suchj a major panic attack now i gota a go,fornow



  

  

sunday AM OCTOBER(myfavoritemonth),wokeup @ 5.00 am, got up because i wanted to see how i felt= i drank applejuice,sat here @ this computer and then decided to STaY UP and take my 10 ml prednisone 1600 folic aCID- and oxycod-
then at 8.00 am kelly woke up to see what i was up to, and see how i feel.
i told her i feel OK!!!!!!!!!
NOTE:
NO methotrexate since september 8th
by septemnber 15th i felt like my insides were gonna melt away or just glob up..
weight was 105(lost 20 pounds quickly)
i could NOT stay awake,- even tho my dad was here from minnesota.
by sunday sept 16th kelly took me to hospitial because i was complaining of kidney area pain ((**VERY bad friday nite,sept 16th-but better the next day -17th-but still present)))
today i feel better- IT MAY BE DUE TO LACK OF METHO?!?!
heres how i measure it,,
the usual patteren is 2-3 days of doing something-"working around" like ,i mean activity,,
like just house work and going to patsys w/kelly,but they give me the easy tasks-no vaccuum no picking up anything heavy-
BUT NOW- i am going on....lets see now,,LETS LOOK BACK AT THIS WEEK=
moday sept 25th i was active-no bouts of Ra(just have to wrap both wrists to use them)
tuesday sept 26th - enjoyed activity - cant remember what i did tho
wed sept 27th no issues
thurs no issues
friday - very busy day,, (((this is the day we were screwed by cavalry portfolio services MY OLD JOB )))- i called them DAY before to have ready my things and my attendance record from may 2005 to when i resigned aug 23rd,,they were to have them ready but when i got there,they=VICKY ARNOLD-human resourses-said she threw my things away, and they do thAT after 30 days of a person leaving the company---riiiiiiiiiiiight!!
I KNOW this is NOT true,,i worked there for 3.5 YEARS I KNOW she did that to me personally, and my request for documentaion was NOT availible,,as she had promised me YESTERDAY even MY THINGS WERE there YESTEDRDAY =ON THE PHONE yesterday U said NONE OF THIS -NOTHING,,NADDA!!!!!just OH,,ok OK I can have alll that ready for you friday,,no problem at all all friendly like .......NOPE!!!!!!! sure didnt have JSAQCKJ fuckingshit ready,,IM so pisssed off here this is INSANE RAGE-back 2 story of what happened=
she said can u wait?-i went outside to our car to wait and 10 minuets later she came out and told us that she cant do it,,and NY is trying, but NY computer crashed and can she just mail the papaers to me????,,I said i see where i stand now,U really ont even care about me,,she said OH no thats not true debi,,RIIIIIIGHT how patronizing can u get,,iNOTstupid,, kelly then went off on her because kell saw the hurt and pain on my face when V said she doesnt havemy things they have nbeen thren away and no papers as promised to me yesterday............. i was H-U -R -T
im soo stupid ---DONT I KNOW BY NOW that noone cares i mean really nooone cares,or if they care,,its only at their convienience - so supeficial..........
TO VICKY ARNOLD=
U really could care less, u fucking ROBOT, u soccer.mom Uthink u r better then everyone else. what makes u soo better then anyone else ,, u go to church right? and u call ur self a christian right? OK why then,,, u hippocrate, why are u judging me?????and this is PURE
Passive Aggressive behavior BIGTIME and i know it when i see it,,,

she thew away all of MY AWARDS AND GIFTS FROM PEOPLE ??? u fucking bitch i knew U had in in for me the moment u found out i live an" alternet lifestyle "and u probably are glad im sick--hey -like my lifesyle affects her in anyway??!! . i had NEVER discused my life with anyone there,,i did NOT have desk COVERED in family pics like everyone else,,i had NO picures infact - i kept my personal life separate from work life - leaned that thru 12 years of managment at retail stores,,mervyns 8 years,, into other stores then bebe mananger-- then OUTTA RETAIL after foleys departmnt store -
retail was getting TOOdamn stressfull at this point- i needed to take a break-do something different
* hope to not offend anyone,,but i HAVE to let it OUT! im soooooooo pisssed she thinks she is.....
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added now 12.30 am oct2nd middle of the nite= i just read this,, and got allll stirred up again ,,just deeeeep inmy soul it hurts so bad, i cant belive after 3.5 & being so loyal to my job,,i Really cant belive she did that... and i see the lie now in retrospect