kelly got in LATE last nite,,said the test (algebra) was so hard but she made a A
`I KNEW IT`,god,she is the smartest!
i mean this includes slope method and liner methods all of it:
3x2 + 8x - 3 = 0 8x2 + 22x = -5 ITS AMAZING REALLY.

!~@#$%^&*()_+

sooo, i went to see dr wiseman,,he was very buzy yesterday and only spent a small time w/me. he loaded me up with cymbalta and lexapro and im actully glad, i have always been against anti-depressants but considering how bad i feel, i am going to allow them the chance to help me (he asked about the last time i saw the "rheumy"
i really really do feel like everyone is against me,,why am i so damn Insecure!!
i am not sure of anything anymore and when i see myself,,i seem like someone else.
today was stormy and dark cloudy raINY w/ lots of tornadoes thru out oklahoma but i slept all day and at 4.30 kelly canme home then had to go to school before teh storm came in.BIg algebra test tonite, i have all the faith that that "smart girl" is gonna be OK -SHE JUST STARTED LEARNING ALGEBRA ONLY 5 WEEKS AGO tonite is the final,,watch her get a B or hell,,,A isa possibility??she is the smartest person i know!

went to dr wiseman today,im very tired now and have to lay down,i have had bad-B-A-D pain in my knees in the front of them at the knee joint i guess?
anyhow,its been extemly bad and my mouth-jaw hurts too, i mean like hell it hurts,,its a pain around my roots of all my teeth o upper left,,BUT it first was in the middle lower bottom,,then moved around,now im unable to really eat anything,,ive slept alot trying to get this thing under controll BUT i NEED LIKE 3 days in bed...ug

still ina flare,or whatever this is... basicly any time i do anything i get swollen and feel like crap,,i cant raise my arms at the shoulder..then my wrists wont bend and hands are F-A-T///feet hurt to walk on them and shoes on my feeet sounds like torcher -i cant write or hold anything,,nor change the channel on tv,,stuck onthe news,, (great,,how depressing)barely getting this typed w/two fingers

backagain,(i love/hate this blogging shit-still dunno why i do it)
this am im up,,it took sometime for me to get my knees to work,when kelly tried to wake up for work,,i got up and WHOA my knees are still bad bad bad ,, this is the same area and all the other areas as when i said days ago that im in a flare it just gets tolerable after the prednisone kicks in and then i may walk.around alittle untill i must rest..... like right now,,im about to faint,,i could not sleep last nite for some.reason i stay awake thinnking of things like 5 years from now,,and imagine whatmy bones are gonna look like..and what can i do ? why wont the ra let me go,,why is it attacking me while i sleep? what is my best course of action here? i need a stratigy? i need guidance? kellys stressed to the max and im not getting any better (ra,and depression) paperwork has to be done and given to my atty gottago4now..hve 2 rest

im slowly loosing it // i hope this world is happy with its fucked upself,,im very very dis-satisfied...cough cough cough as i break a rib from all the G.D. coughing...and ive been on a "flare" so damn bad. Hey,, now i know what its like to have NO ARMS--i could not even pick up a damntoothpick if i tried,,i really really rerally really really really really hurt and wannna know WHY!?!
do u see my pain?????????(thinkin to myself-i wonder?)




(((*back here on march 23rd to clean up my mess,,))))
!i was so depressed lastnite,,i had to come in here and wipe out what i typed,,i was upset- OK pissed off about not being able to get up and do anything,i wanted to get up and do things,,,ANYthing...so badly,,as i see the all the world "running past my window",,i wanna go too! damn it!

sometimes i just cant log into this site/monday AM sore = shoulders have been an issue (painful to raise my arms) for days. my shoulders are out & wrist very tender- hands very tender- feet hurt to walk on them (heels and toes and ankles)
my shoulders still hurt this AM i cant raise my arms from the shoulder.
i have been in this flare from last week,im fighting the "prednisone burst idea"
because prednisone and i dont get along. Prednisine has side effects that id rather just be in pain ..............
Common Side Effects from prednisone are;
-nervousness or restlessness -THIS IS THE PROBLEM.
-increased appetite--not for me...i hAVE NO APPETITE.
-indigestion -YEP, this is true i CANT SWALLOW AT ALL.
-Decreased or blurred vision -yep,,cant seee anything,,shawny laughed at me the other day,,she looked over at me to see me looking/reading thru the magnifing glass

its wed,,weather ,muggy, i have been ina flare now for days and days, its about he stress inside of me ,and i saw the atty who is helping me giude my way thru the legal system to obtain what we know as ssdi.
there are some hardcore hoops to jump thru & when im so weak ,,its hard to maintain....

now kelly and i are fighting,,i feel far far far far away,,im not me,,im whateever..i have no idea what the fuck i am ,,im about to not even care what the fuck i am....BUT i remember yesterday thinkin,,why do i have to sit here and wait to die,, i mean i cant take it anymore,,im about to fiind a fuckin job so i can help myself feeel better about who i am,,beause right now iM NOTHING NOTHING NOTHIng i have just spent 2 days cryin and fighting with kelly over ,,god I DONT EVEN KNOW
all i know is i hung up on her because all i could hear was YELLING --we cant even talk it has to get to yelling ,,,,,i cant handel it at all..id rather throw myself infront of an on comming bus.............then to be like this im numb then i hurt anbd cry then go into a daze then cry then think of how awfull i am,,i hate my mother,,i hate myself --- i hate bums and i hate people who talk talk talk,, i hate all the gifts patsy ever gave me,,(cheap shit)
i hate all the days of sitting here day after day waiting for WHAT???? a cure ..a answer?? im not sure wtf im doing ,,,,,, also IVE BEEN IN A SERIOUS FLARE for over 5 days,,with pictures
http://picasaweb.google.com/debrabmaddox/Number5AbouttheRA
of massive sweling,,aches and pains so bad i had to double up on all the hard stuff,,it took over 4 hours of layingthere in pain to go to sleep- just for the record... also found a tick on my hip,,i pulled it out but ewwww ick-his head may still be in,,im too blind to see

monday nite,,im a lucky girl, guess god REALLY does give you what you need when you need it,,in my case,,i person to trust to spill the beans ,,i have seen my physiotherapist now 2x and it helps,, i can trust and just say what i need to say then figure out why i am soo mean to myself in regard to ra,,
im thankfull that i have found a therapist that i can trust (shes not on the neo-con,
bush-SELF-right-ous side of things,,shes down to earth and i like her,this is a good thing,,i knew when i was talking and thinking suicide i HAD to find someoone to talk to,,she says its NOT about me deserving this ra disease,im not cursed and i didnt ask for it,,i do not have it because im being punished for something,,i just happens to people and thats that, (i did feel like i was being punished for some wrong doing long time ago or something...)

i just read this post and cannot belive i thought there was gonna be some good,,EVERYTIME i feel like its gonna be OK,,,something happens to push me back into my place,,which is............(just when ya think ya got it,,bamb!) gotta shake my head

i really dont feel like typing my feelings down anymore,, ive hit a major depression and this is why no post..
i have seen a shrink and will continue to see the shrink untill i can learn to "be nice to myself"
i was told that i am being very mean to my own self,(like a self punishment-for having RA) i told my psychotheripist that i am slightly suicidal,,BUT promised that its only thoughts- and i cant really kill myself because i would not want to leave behind a mess for others to clean up,,and its a one way ticket to hell, and i cant get along in hell,, sooooo out of the question
ive been pretttty depressed tho,,
feel like im a looser,,a failure a burden,,it all sux and i have been in a RA flare now for about three days - my hands and feet and hip (R) hurt badly and my spine needs to be on a heating pad inorder to loosen up and move about - i have been getting up at 5.00 am with kelly to help in getting ready for the workday,,but by friiday im in tears from waking up in pain,,i NEED more sleep and JUST NOT GETTING IT.. my own fault tho,,back to the fact that i am being mean to me,,because of my own guilt from being with RA,,this is a curse and why me .,.WHY ME! nooone knows why..........