nov 28-2006 /tuesday late.eve,,im tired from bringing in all the plants today(whew) and tonite kelly's ill, she does not feel well and has a slight fever,

all the plants are in, and that damn ficus is HUGE! Winter is comming Tomorrow- but im sitting here in a "wifebeater" and shorts

*winter here, is different then in Minnesota,,,Minnesota is just a longer time with winter-but not as damp-which does make the difference.

still keep thnkin bout the SSI doctor,,he was from bufffalo NY - he was grumpy too

today MON NOV 27th - ive been to the SSI doctor this afternoon and then it started to rain ,,,we came home to rest,,im so exhausted from a emotional sunday at my sisters,,with family, we(kelly and i) went over to her house for dinner- which was wonderful --and then some drama occured,,cant GET INTO THE DETAILS BUT,, IT ALL WAS FOR THE BEST ANDwoorked out fine. Nowwthen today= *doctor at 2.00 pm (ssi doctor ohhhhh scarrrry) * he asked allll kinds of Q's ,,i was nervous and not in a flair so he really did not get to see the me when im ina flair,,i pray for favor in this matter..

now we r home safe,we saw 3 or 4 car wrecks all the way home .....everyones driving like bats outta hell

im so tired / gonna watch a good movie (man hunter DVD?) and relax tonite,,again im so tired,,

today is sunday NOV 26th been awhile......................................................................

Saturday, November 18, 2006 is the last time ive been here,,,wow,,whats wrong?\im depressed and very much without energy

when i do have engergy i use it untill i drop - then go down(meaning sick w/ra) for a few days then alll over again...back to have energy, then use it for a day then be sick for three days,,

ive been cryingn alot, in the mornings,,it hurts again to walk, and my flesh is hurtimg i cant type even now fuckit,,ive got to go, just wanted to blog that my dreams are all nightmares and all i do is cry,,im not sure whas going on but i am afraid and and dont know what to do,,anywho fuckthis bye

nov 18 saturday cold but sunny -

hi,,i was just thinking,,then laughed out loud,, about the appt at the shinks office- the other day...
(still hyperfocused on that shink appt) she"the shrink" asked me to quickly name 2 things * that are CURRENT EVENTS, and happening right NOW,,,******
i- i - i THOUGHT i heard her say quickly,,i dont know if she did say quickly-but i felt the pressure.....
i spit out " the dems won the congress and the house and "murder in cap-cod" came to verdict,,,GUILTY and "did we get the right guy?" (from court TV today) ............
that was all...its allll i could think of,, (like what about WAR iraq- nucular brink at n koreas doing- and other NOW THINGS... PLUTO is NOT a PLANET they announced,,and other important things... dual core proccessor is no longer the buzz its multicore??or somehting -new processors...
back to that appt tho,........
I remember the next question "who was president during the civil.war?",,,OMG i said wodrow wilson,,LMAO!!!!!! i KNOW ....why did i say that???,,i was so embarrassed,,and i even cried - then,,cuz i could not think,,at all,,, she wote alot down,,OMG im soooooooo wondering what she wrote...(place debi in asylum)

its in the middle of a real cold night right now. i had to get up, I think i was dreaming about being under a microscope - i had some kindof bad dream- or it coulda been the pain from my splits again,but i hadto get up and come here and blog the fact that today was WEIRD

* i was very nervous from the begining because of my 2.00 pm appt. with a shrink.*

infact the appt. w/ a shirnk - and the paperwork that i had to fill out prior to the appt has been gut-wrenching (i cannot say how hard it was to answer the questions from a shrinks office and just be OK with everything,,, now i have 2 hives (itchy) so that means im stressed, so i will have to take a "anti anxiety and try to go back to bed....OH i see.....The Crop Circles show (discovery channel) is on now -how perfect

we rented a a car, (had to) .....................
went with kelly - we drove out to patsy's house today, had nice visit with her, she did alot of christmas shopping for kids that are needy, and their mothers are in prison,,she does this every year for the kids - but it was fun to see how cute kids things are today,,wow,,little boots and cute outfits galore! -some kids gonna be happy- and patsy enjoys getting things for the helpless.... i took lots of pictures today for the first time at her house,,here are a few shots.................below........

next.... shawny was over 2nite for kelly -to go to school- tonight.. i did this blog and messed around with all our plants ,,seems to be gettin too cold and i dont want to loose any plants out front- BUT the window wrap has helped! the help from kellys moms has proven to be true- we have wrapped windows with that plastic -"window wrap" and it has really really helped .. i remember last year,,i was soo sick during last winter,,and cold always.. i slept in gloves and scarf around my neck and a hat! it was truely cold last year and our bill was about 200.00 monthly thru the cold months,,so we hope to save this year by the window wraps -- what a boaring blog,,i just want superficial untill when-ever,,

im stressed because i go to that "appt tomarrow" im real scared,,dont wanna really do it- im so scared ill say something that will make her say OMG THIS girl is ,,crazy.,,(cuz i am,,i need to hide it tho_heheheee) im just diferent then most people,,i think different,, and dont act my age, not sure how I " do" on " first empressions" sooooo,, just wait and see ,,weird weird weird,,,all im sayin,.bye,,(im freaked out now)

its now tuesday nov andwe have lost or ever lovin minds to be sure..
we called about our honda,,its still not ready for us,,i tt the guy who is doing the work,he said the car wont be ready untill next week,,i went into full blown loose it mentally OMG ,,NO TELL ME NO<<<<<<,i doint know,,im SAD
im mad whatever
it doestn matter,,why i feel this waY--
its alllll about money,,and we dont have any and that the whole problem,, why dont we have any money,,we spent it all on on medical shit ok! now,,,find an answer someone or,,,im at a loss,,feel misrible

today is monday( 8.00 am)
im wide awake and feel very sureal today(no pictures yet),,,like im not me, or this is not real
have you ever felt like that? u may just be doing what ever you always do,,and suddenly you realize that you feelstrange,,sortof detached and sureal .. then with a closer check i re-enforce that creepy feeling by looking around this ol' room, it feels like im NOT here, this room is NOT real -
--how strange--- did i blog that i8 dropped my camera and broke it? im so upset. this happened days ago and i cannot stop beating myself up for it,,altho,,i drop EVERYTHING now,,my hands are not as trustworthy ....they are very undpendible,,, i cannot be trusted with delicate things like de-bugging a bomb or eyebrow trimming,,no WAY ...cant get my hands to work as articulate as they were once PAID to be ...(talking 'bout my art - hell, i spent one whole year drawing fossils for amaco (((for a professor who used the drawings at the geoligist convention for that year,, 1984ish))) wild. huh?~!
LATER 11.00 amish,,,
i now have a pic of me today,,i have had a slight breakdown,,our car is at the shop,,the bill has NOT punched us in the gut yet,,and we r starnded,,and i have appts with ssi this week and next week ,,im scared to death and feel so upset / afraid/elbows hurting today/mind is twisting off/ thank god i have kelly ...thats all imsaying,,omg id be so "dead" by now,,,

riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight,,,ssi sent me a chewed up letter

this is from the mail box today,,i had to tape pages all back together inorder to make any sense out ofit. gulp..serious business heree,,im like petrified im gonna do somehting wrong or say something wrong and not get the help i need so desperately . i need the lords angles to watch over me - to guide me - and keep me on the right path
i want to paint so badly my hands are somewhat better,, i may just be able to start a oil painting soon / my heart, soul, and mind, all have to be in the mood and once a painting is started i will not stop untilll done.... i will be obsessed and hyperfocued and i really cannot start that now,,


i have to deal w/ ssi scary scarry scary --im soo scared of the government,, like te police and all those uniforms,,ug! so intemidating ,,,,, so this week i have to see a ss i person to be evaluated,,im really scared (dunno why- just am its like,,,ew,,dont "look" at me-please

im so tired, and cant type too much - weather is beautiful - but it ends tonite,, the cold stuff is on its way and its the end of a real nice spread of" nice weather days".

i did not feel good last nite,,i slept hard while kelly and shawny went to school, they hung out here for awhile,,i could hear talking when i woke up alittlebit.,,i was glad kelly had a ride to school,,becase our car is down now,,could be bad and cost ,,,,its up at a place now,,
untill we can hear back on whats wrong with it, the sky is beautiful the weather great,..whats to complain about?? nadda! but im sooooo sleepy and feel so uninspired,,i feel depressed i guess..
cant explain why,,oh ,,im also freaking out cuz SSI sent me a form,,where i have appt made with doctors and a shrink too, wow,, OK next week i go to these 2 different places to be examined,,,wow,,scary.
*new splits on my fingers,,i took a video of them for proof,they are unbeliveable ,i mean,,like nothing anyone has heard of,,they appear outta nowhere and go down deep like razor sharp slitz along my finger-tips and if pushed they bleed and then i have to put painkiller- neo-sporin on them and wrap or wear gloves,but i cant do anything with my hands or it just stirrs them up and they hurt more then before- they wont heal,,ouchy too
http://debramaddox.myphotoalbum.com/view_album.php?set_albumName=album01

i just cannot belive TODAY - the dems won (its time for a change and we can all make a huge difference and improve this crazy country (wow) all that corruption VOTED OUT! byebye!

my hair is growing -ive always had a tight haircut by ROSS EDWARDS a personal friend of mine, but i cant afford it anymore, i have to just ponytail up,,,and save $ that way

http://debramaddox.myphotoalbum.com/view_album.php?set_albumName=album08

i found a way to the doctor just 5 blocks away -we just drove our car,,funni because it worked just fine... like nothing is wrong, but somehting is,,we just have to bring it to the shop now and have something fixed ?? white smoke from tailpipe no good cracked seal or?? ,,im sure its gonna cost us a huge amount and we are gonna cry and be all worried about rent now,,god we can never win,or get ahead,,i mean that damn devil just keeps the bullshit comming,,,, im fuckin sick of it,,,we can just take so much here,,damnit, i wont play the lottery because i have NO luck,, at all, well least noone is shooting at us,,and we have a roof over our heads and all that,,,bla bla bla,, thank u for the roof! ha! .

ME AND ELVIS
MY DAD RIGHT NOW, in EGYPT!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dr apt in few moments(9.315am) BUT our auto blew last nite,,,we have white smoke comming out of the tail pipe, i say screw the doctors appt,,BUT the nurses- kellys moms -and kellly -all say i have to go and cannot wait anylonger -already waited from sept to november -- its imporant and i have to find a way to get to the dr office ,,we called about the car,,its a blewn casket? or something bad and expensive,,i CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE we have our rent and bills and NOW this the car?? all i can say is THANK GOD THE DEMOCRATES WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! maybe now i wont have to be so embarrressed about what our country is doing and the fumbling president better be replaced with barackobama! or hilary!!!

tomarrow i go to my doctor about issues with my ovarys,,im alittle scared,,thinking ovarys are lil' delicate things im sure,,,i just want to get the results to know if im ok or not,, tomarrow i go to start the process to get that answer, gulp,im scared

sunday AM we just woke up, took all my meds and they r strting to work,,im typing now,,i still have splits on my fingertips. i have to keep them wrapped are they sting like hell. still not sleeping well,, took a sleeping pill last nite to test? called ROZEREM. and i stll woke up at 2.00am as usual.

hi today anyone outthere?? Echo =there there ther..
wish i had $ i would not be so board and sick.
im feeling depressed again,,shit
probably because our own president is a fumbiling idiot and we (america) are gonna get
nuked cuz the world hates US !!!! we look like a bunch of fat white hypocrites!!

wake up america,,
we are fucking things up bad- and it may be too late to go back.

its a remicade day--- i feel very tired, i looked at my dads EGYPTIAN tour site and i wanted to comment,,i was so excited about the pictures and all his adventures- but damned thing wont let me leavea comment,,sux!
http://egypttrek.blogspot.com/
this blurry picture is how i feel today i represents my vision , how i see everyday, i have glasses but they are not strong enuff and the left lense always falls out,so what good r they? none! i need glassses soon. i misjudged where things are and this gets me broken toes EVERY time! im getting over a new foot injury where i stumped my toe on the ball and claw chairleg, for the thirteenthtime..............

A LINK TO MY DAD'S TRIP TO EGYPT!
http://egypttrek.blogspot.com/