Saturday, August 04, 2007

i keep waking up every 3 hours,,its 1 37am right now,i come straight to my computer,,and check email every time i get up,,why? is there a email i could be expecting? or possibly someone that i love and write all the time (but i dont wanna bugem so i try NOT to write that much) but i just got here and in the middle of the night - just like all these other nites,,and now,,i think i know why!
its my dad,,he lives in minneapolis -bridge collapse- i wrote to ask if everyone was ok,,no word tho- never any word- (mary heard from them tho-how come i feel like im not part of ANY family)))/ why has he not emailed me back,i thought he loved me,,i then thought i was a burden to him ((now that im sick and all)) he has his family up there and they go alll over and have happy smiles and happy lives and health insurance and well,,new clothes too,,(i havent had a new clothing for over six years) my clothes all have holes in them. anyhoo,,i thought he was angry at me,,then i relized its me thats angry at me,,now,,about my dad,,i still do not understand,,
i just went back and checked all my sent folders,,i see ive blasted my dad with hellos and r u OKs? and pics of my lovely face,,,but nothin from him,, i hope they are not going to bulk,,noway,just lookin for excuse
it just tears me up to think hes disapointed in me,i hope he is nt,,but i thnk he is

another thing i noticed,,im not relaxed at all,,im unable to relax - its another reson why i wake up every three hours- i need a good tranquilizer if they make um any more?
i know the sleepmeds i use do not work at all = i still wake up after 3 benodryls and 2 hours into sleep,,i jump up,,why? i dunno ? im not relaxed

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