tuesday -am,,late post today-,,im very very very tired,and got alittle emotional this am,(usual when im in bad pain) i had thought about my whole career and all the clothing and alll the jewelry i used to wear,,no more,,whywhen yer justsitting around going crooked ,,with RA ..tears,, but then my darvon started to kick in,, it muffels the pain,,then i feel SO much better,,but im under the RA monster spell ,,and im reeeeeal tired,so i will come back later today when my hands work alittle bit better,,im typing with two fingers and it takes forever just to type this much,,so,,im resting for now,,bbl,ttyl -funni

I LOVE Sri Lanka

my art drawings

http://picasaweb.google.com/debrabmaddox/Number4TheArtisticViewOfThings#

my hurtin' left paw
my hurtin' right paw,,both are warm and painful.


i have not been able to type untill NOW (9.30) i have RA symptoms going on like crazy,,,i have sore hands and feet,,soooo it hurts to type (but itook 2 ibuprophine and 1 darvon) and im starting to feel better now so i HAD TO COME and blog(hate that word-blog) i am hooked now (onthis blog thing)
heres what star and i are up to right NOW this verysecond.....

i said i was going to quit the LEXAPRO - but i have a great friend (Gloria) who also has RA and we visit alot,,she advised to continue andthat perhaps the drug hasnt had time to lift the depression,,which i didnt think of,,because im tooooo ADHD!!damnit!

but point is,,i shouldnt stop - and they DO HELP others ,so i have made my decision to continue and give it (lexapro ) more time and then judge it ,,i only started about two months ago>? dont trust my memory tho,,thatsfersher!!! i quit CYMBALTA and took on the lexapro as per a shrink i saw thru family and childern's serices here in tulsa-i just want to feel better and thats all,, i really am a overly optimistic person by default, and i miss that positive outlook. i will get it back tho! i promise myself!!! things will get better and i will be blessed and guess what,,i have all i need NOW i say i need clothes food -medicine -money ,,but i have it,,NOT ALOT OF IT but i have enuff to make it,,and thats what its ALL ABOUT! i have a nice old roof over my head,,i have nice funiture from when i was a "spend-aholic" -i made great income and i worked my ass off for the love of money,LOL! overtime was endless and i was always @ work,, never had time to spend any of the money i was making,,until i went into funiture stores --i LOVE-LOVE-LOVE FURNITURE ALOT! thats were i spent alot of money - and at J CREW! and my own store BEBE toohttp://www.bebe.com/gp/home.html

i was store manager of bebe at the mall until it closed here in tulsa,,, and oMG i had to have it all!

RA n my hand knuckels,,they hurt badly toady!(neck hurts too)


feet and hips are bad..................................................

its sunday morning, im up early cuz a little kitty was attacking my hand in bed while i slept,,
i think she thought my hand was a monster that she HAD to get,attack,then KILL!
look at her --yawning..awwwww

-so i woke up at 7.00ish,,and took my prednisone and one lexapro instead of two---lemme say why:
im getting off of these things,,because they have NOT done a damn thing for me,,i know
because im still reaaaaaal depressed even tho i have increased dose from 10 to twenty,,as per the shrink,,and i feel just as sad hopeless and afraid and disapointed all the same-
my thoughts are still the same and i still cry just about every day or other day over soemthing that is soooo sad . YES I AM SERIOUSLY DEPRESSED but lexapro is NOT helping at all. i still have that paranoia? however ya spell it! ((((A CAR IN FRONT OF ME IN TRAffic HAD A BIG "SUICIDE" STICKER ON IT - I THOUGHT HOW IRONIC. ))))
Paranoia: Know the Signs
#1 Isolation- people who are paranoid often times do not want to be around other people. It could be they fear someone is out to get them. yep.

#2 Suspicion- they believe people are talking about them or plotting against them. Perhaps even trying to kill them. Even a kind act is considered to have a hidden motive. yep.

#3 Inability to relax- this can cause aggressive behavior because they don’t trust others easily. They might think bad things will always happen to them and they may have a poor self-image. yep..hating myself,,because i cant do anything anymore (((thank you very much rheumatoid)).

#4 Delusional- a person with paranoia may have feelings of grandeur and believe they have great worth and knowledge. Also, they may believe to be associated with a higher power. NOPE NOT ME.
also erratic thoughts and behaviors but i really DONT see me as having erratic thoughts or behaivors BUT i am obsessive and compulsive on things. I have no memory at all- as i try to recal things i cant remeber when where or why- very very strange.
i would not even know i have no memory if it were not for K pointing out everytime im wrong. its pretty bad. i KNOW the lexapro is not doing anything,its all still the same and nothing has improved,,so why take something i think is gonna get me hooked on it,,and or just
BAD MEDICINE!look:

this is what im afraid of,,and this is why i say im paranoid as well-because i DO NOT TRUST the DOCTORS AND /OR OUR MEDICINE THEY GIVE TO US,,,,i call it lazy,,lazy dr.'s and lazy medicine/in and out service (like mcdonalds) ..they (doctors) have lost their tolerance of patience(people) and wont take the time to say "hey, i think u may have this,lets test,,OR ,what i think (as a patient),,its ALL ABOUT THEM getting in and out and leaving me with a prescription for something i DONT TRUST! parinoid or not! i dont trust them,,afater all ive been thruu andasmany doctors as i haveseen i thinki speak the truth,m,and u can lable me as paronoid,,i do not care -- i just dont want to be a freak,,or out of controll (dancing in the streets crazy,,or think im receiving messages from God,,hehe,,now,,thats all off the deep end.
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I just LOOKED UP OCD..it has description that is SO ME!

***Intrusive thoughts and fears
Intrusive thoughts are unwelcome, involuntary thoughts, images or unpleasant ideas that may become obsessions, are upsetting or distressing, and can be difficult to be free of and manage.[8] Intrusive thoughts, urges, and images are of inappropriate things at inappropriate times, usually falling into three categories: inappropriate aggressive thoughts, inappropriate sexual thoughts, or blasphemous religious thoughts. Most people experience these thoughts; when they are associated with OCD or depression, they may become paralyzing, anxiety-provoking, and persistent. Many people experience the type of unpleasant or unwanted thoughts that people with more troubling intrusive thoughts have, but most people are able to dismiss these thoughts.When intrusive thoughts co-occur with OCD, patients are less able to ignore the unpleasant thoughts and may pay undue attention to them, causing the thoughts to become more frequent and distressing.
also:
OCD is different from behaviors such as gambling addiction and overeating. People with these disorders typically experience at least some pleasure from their activity; OCD sufferers do not actively want to perform their compulsive tasks, and experience no pleasure from doing so.-yep. OCD is placed in the anxiety class of mental illness, but like many chronic stress disorders it can lead to clinical depression over time. The constant stress of the condition can cause sufferers to develop a deadening of spirit, a numbing frustration, or sense of hopelessness. OCD's effects on day-to-day life — particularly its substantial consumption of time — can produce difficulties with work, finances and relationships. SO me!!!
There is no known cure for OCD as of yet, but there are a number of successful treatment options available.

i wish ,,nevermind / life is hard
thats me and my lil sister mary - my dad emailed this morning to me and it made me happy to hear from him - ((i emailed him yesterday to tell him that i love him)) -sooo glad to hear from him.

OMG barackObama is in my friend Gloria's (roanoke Virginia) city right NOW giving a speech that is full of hope and uplifting ,,im looking for GLORIA on TV in the audience- hahahaaa!
i sure do think barack has a cute family
* did u know that my mom and step dad tony(who is a African American) had divorced along time ago,,But i do have a brother(Adam who lives in Austin texas)who is a MUSLIM, he follows Ali..peace be unto him.
point is=i come from a VERY VERY DIVERSE background,,and grew up in rockinroll house where bands set up and rehearsed in r living room and singing all those old tunes i love to this day,, (tony was a lead singer) 3 dognight-gladis night and the pimps - all that old motown and CHicago tranist athority,THE BEST_and janis and jimmy and jefferson air-and list goes on and on - ilove old hippy music---we were hippys in the seventies,,i LOVED IT!
long hair and barefoot! me? born the end of 1961
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OMG i am now back under the black gloomy clouds again,,i cant stay alittle bit happy for anything,,when i went to pick up k she had a attitude, so all the effort i did today went right out the window along with my little bit of happiness that i accomplished things today,,BUT ITS NEVER EVER GOOD ENUFF for her,,so as of NOW i give effing UP! im just going to do what i want to do,,no more knocking myself out for selling things online,,for extra.what can i do about this - we cannot get along - i did alot today and went to the G store looking tired and weak, but the food we needed for tonite's dinner,,i struggled so hard to go get- and tried to everything she asked me to do ,.,, and more to satisfy ,, why is this happening to me,,i ... i pray for peace and get the total opposite-im not eating dinner (punch in the gut feeling again) and neither is she,,,,oH god HELPME. i just keep crying and thinking i cant do this anymore --i wanna walk and keep going untill i die from walking for so long. - at 5.30 i was in tears and had to leave this house,,i realized i have NOONE! -not one person to go to for help,, so i went to woodward park and sat alone thinking in the sun - then i got cold and scared to come home, she is just not happy with me at all...and i cant do anything to fix it,,so i dont know what to do ,and im scared = godknows ive tried

its a friday morn,,its cold burrrr,,and i feel depressed,,i went to bed last nite with a heavy heart,,kelly told me about finding out some shit on her real father,(who is a total mess-up -ug) soo she felt a heavy haert all damnday about all that stuff / and i felt so sad,,and thought god,,why do our parents do what they do ? they are not there,and we need them,,we are on our own and always have been,,how effing depressing - sometimes we say we are gonna,,nevermind,,,forget it..later,,i feel heavy and sad and hopeless,,as i sit here in the dark thinking of all the things i should have done differently in my life.
RA report,,woke up very sore and feet hur to walk on them ,,my sore spine is doing it again,,swelling up and painful. theres a hump there where its tender and sore and hurts to turn myhead,,i will get overit with darvon tho,,soi can start to wointerize this old house - with whatever i can think of,,we cannot afford to heat this house so we block half of it off so we onlypay for the back side of the house -where we hang out,,

ola! its a thrusday morning and its THE FIRST COLD MORNING of this year..im in long sleeves and sweatpants,,i dunno what we r gonna do this year,,all of our winter clothing is so worn out,,i sewed up holes last year to keep us going,,and now i gotta go thru all the warm clothing and see what we have here...and what needs to be tossed (due to holes and falling apart at the seams) its so depressing,,i cant believe me "the ol' queen of fashion freak" is just scrounging around in hand-me downs- and rags..im appreciative tho forALL the hand-me-downs,,but its all summer stuff and here comes winter,,im gonna be a" lilly of the valley" philosophy and let GOD lead me to the warm clothing for us this winter, God always provides if i stop fr one minuet and think of the situations in my past ...i see where intervention was "godly" and i believe that w/aaaaaallll my heart,,heres a quick story of what i mean,,,
about the year 2003 summer, we me and kelly- were hunkered down in a small apt afterme loosing my job as tech support at netscape..heres my old website,,
http://trinity_1970.tripod.com/
god i LOVED THAT JOB and LOVED THOSE PPL- best job i ever had ...netscape support team,,abut twenty of us and we handeled all the incomming calls for troubleshooting isssues and fixing issues for people over the phone- i statred to get my RA symptoms then ,,and didnt know what was going on with me,,i was ALWAYS HEALTHY -heck i even walked to work,(it was just across the street tho) things started to go down health wise,,long story short,,we ended up in kellys apt andi was under the RA spell so bad,we thought i had LUPUS fersher,,just based on symptoms,,,i hadnt concidered RA... we had nothing and no money and our food was gone,,then a knock at our door from the neighbor who we really didnt know,,wejust said hi 2 him a couple of times..he bought tons of bags of food to us ,,he said he just doesnt have space for all that food -he went crazy at the grocery store, and i mean these were bags of penut butter jelly bread pudding cake icecream all sorts fruits and veggies,,cannned and fresh,,his name was john,,he must have been a angel from the lord im sure... well,,he didnt know anything about us,,he didnt know we were starving,,but jesus did,,and we as lillies of the valley,,just witnessed Jesus's truth about trusting the lord and he will lead me to the path of good and right Amen. OMG = GUESS WHO JUST CALLED the stongest christian i have ever met=JUDY she works for Victory christian center,,here in Ttown=
http://www.victorytulsa.org/
and she is bringing me some plants to care for and keep,,we talked awhile and it was great to hear from her. shes a very special lady (probably a angel on earth) disguised as human...heheheeee. really i do just love her.
its now 9.30 am and imexhausted already, with a LONG list ofthings to get done today-
im going to rest now for 1 hour then get going,,i must rest in order to have the strength to do it all today...I am back from napping and going thru the list of things to do,,but i only got a few things done,,,and the mostimportant - i made a appt wth a new doctor,,just primary care but this doctor i hear is real nice and compasionate ,,appt is nov 14th 2.30 pm

im sad thinking about my dad,,who i love but he has not written to me nd itsbreaking my heart,,its like they all dont care about me inminnesota anymore,,i dont understand how family can be so so distant,,and my own mother doesnt even know about me at all,,its so depressing to me,

i love my dad but im a bother to him i think,,or something,,i dontknow why he wont email me to say hello - how r u doing>? im upset now..bye