somethings wrong with me because ihave NOT picked up the camera in days,,
i managed to shot llike 4 -5 pictures over the last 2 weeks - its always a sign im not doing good - i live to photgraph EvERYThing i mean everything ,,, itsA obessive compulsive disorder i have always had my whole life long truely - i was a kid and used to drop off my film and wait to pick up,,then they came out with" fox 1hour photo",,WOW kickass! now i cannot belive the money i spent ((as a kid))) on developing film,,now we download and disgard as no biggy,,imagine,,we had to pay for evey friggen picture,,even if it sucked - like a shitty shot of whatever. .

our car broke down AGAIN thats all im sayin

its been a while,because ive been under a spell,,as i like to call it,,under a spell,of ra.
this means for about 2-3 hours aday im able to do alittle,,im UP and wanting to do the day BUT ....i get dso tired,and have been having chest pains to,,for the past week,,,i think its acid reflux tho- not heart issues, no numbness in left arm,,(always a sign of trouble) ---
as for the rest of my day i fight the temptation to sleep but i must sit and wait for another burst of energy in order to do anything --i cannot allow my self to lay,,or it'll hurt getting up.
we have therapy tonight and i should nap so i can be clear and thoughtful, it has been decided -right here on blogger,,IM GONNA NAP NOW -maybe ill do some typing in here tonite? yea! tonite..im,,sooo,sleepy and have been for daze now PLUS: its rained every day too!OHNO kelly just called said she cant wait to come home and sleep - i said i ll cook we can hunker down ,,(forgettting about therapy) ohwell,we can go cry for an hour,cuz hts what i do,l,ljust cry and bitch and cry cry& cry - it helps SO much tho,,really-im so sleepy i must rest i must! myfeet hurt too the bones in my toes andball of foot/feet plural both hurt....still cant walk barefoot.

its thursday nite,im real tired, been alittle better yesterday and today EXCEPT feet MUST be protected, i cannot walk around barefoot, and hips kness today but ,,no major issues, other then u thought iwas having a heart attck the other day, i have no isdea what happend but kelly quicly gave me a klonipin,and i remained calm,,ut got real scared 0 i thought i was gonna have a
heart
attck,_? then it went away,,i have been reall stressed mentally,,because of thoughts ,which now i
am lerning how to meditate again - so i can find the inner me and get in touch with reality.
i wish t do art,,i am only turely happy when im inventing and creating ,,which is impaired badly
this may be the key,pehaps i shall do my art depressed or NOT,, and see what happens??
now if my haNDS will co-operate i shalll be OK

its friday

TORNADO WATCH 2NITE

i am ina flare - the weather changed today to steamy hot sticky and im swollen and pain (hands feet shoulders wrist ankels) i cant type - just wanted tolog in and say the world is falling apart and iam fallling apart mentally and why has my fAMIILY dissapeared? i just wish my sis would come by sometime,,you know,,like just to visit for an hour- check in on m e and stuff,,and my dad has not called or emailed ,,i dont think he wants me as a daughter- because its too much RA that is,,just like kelly,,shes sickof all this RA too,,im being too much for ppl just by being,,its awful i may have to just ,i dont know what,,,////i missed my shrink appt by accident last nite//// i went ands and waited and waited but called home to check,, was LAST WEEK not last nite,i missed my hour of crying damn it! -no really my shrink is very helpfull, but i may need to take this a little deeper and get with a hardcore shrink maybe an over nite stay at a lunie place to be observed and anilized,, why-why is this happennig to me?

i just woke up,,(fromnap) its 334 an i dont feel good at all,,my feet // my hands they alawys hurt heres what they are doing today,,(pain)

i should be thankfull i dont have cancer BUT IM NOT im fuckin pissed and heart broken why ME ME ME?? huh i cant draw i cant paint i cant difg my garden,,what the fuck did i DO? to deseve this? just answer that //damn im depressed//damnit damnit why cant i contorll this

this weekend was a rainy and lazy and i felt sick most of the weekend.

i slept alot and this weather is muggy. NOW for monday its a clear blue sky and the air felt fresh and cool i feel OK today except hands and feet as usual. still doing 20 mg prednisone and thats it,,,except sleep,and ive been doing alot of that. not to soundlike im just a lazy bum or anything- anyone who knows me knows that im ADD/HD thats why i cant gain weight i need to be at 120 but im at 108 average.....i have NO CLOTHES that fit,,i make everything up as i go and even have sewn up the bottoms of some pants just to have bottoms to wear.... im without any kind of income ..WE had just been ripped off for 800.00 on that blue/green honda, (repair job) we're trying real hard to deal with that situation, the guy blantently ripped us off and wont take responsiblity for his screwed up .. it happened about 3 weeeeks ag and IM JUST NOW ABLE to talk about it ///this is a why i see a shrink know what im sayin?///lemme tellya,,,,just when ya think everythings under controll,,its NOT! and i wonder why im ina flare all the damn time

this ra has NOT let up and im only relying on prednisone to keep ra under controll,,i NEED to be under a doctors care but i have no nsurance and no money -i am unable 2 work,even tho i fool myself sometimes,,and say imgonna get a job,,then i get sick for 4-5 days. crying over the hurtfull hands and hurtfull feet,,they have never stoped hurting and

then my pills kick in,and i act like im good for the next year,,,well,,4 hours later im wipped out.

IF i dont nap during the day,OMG im such a mess at night .,,kelly said for the sake of all of us please take a nap, in a funni way ofcourse but its true because i will just start to cry over anything and act like a big baby, when i take a nap- the evenings seem to go alot soother,,

i sure do love aliens!

thinkin,always have.....

its friday nite- we r home and its raining again,.,i dont know what to write,,im reviewing this blog,,its been a year of this, and i dont really think ive accomplished what i wanted,,first its just for me to vent,,you know,,"write it down - get it off your chest- it helps you release and its good for you" well,, im no better,,i want to take this blog deeper - lets get scientific here,,i want to chart out the patterns in weather (humidity-cold-hot) also moods and a little deeper of what meds and how i feel exactly about the ra and my bones and mind/head.....im going to work out someway to chart or at least accomplish this in a very visual thing not so much all these words to read,,i want pictures charts, graphs,,hahahaha,,, getting crazy now,,its late im logging off for now,4.20/over and out