i am a worthless "peice of sh*&" and good for nothing...
im very depressed, its aLL NOT GOING SOWELL,,I cannot explain,,i can only say its all so bad for us here in this house,,--guess i am the messed up one here and causingall these problems,,what cani do,i stay soooo careful i everything i do and say,,but its no good i still get slammed-
im wearing down 2 a nub..from the critisisum and the yelling of how im messing everything up and that i just "i dont get it..and how im messing everything up",,its just that,,im sorry, i thougt i waz doing OK then i get this awfulannouncement that im fucked and not doing my fair share and im using up all the resourses and i8m sure im forgetting something,,else too,,but,its all so hard to handel and i just dont get it,,i have that pit in my stomach again,, like i got slugged in the GUT! i am gonnabesicjk --k just left for work on saturday, she says she does this so i can have a good life,,but shes yelling that to me with such resentment,,i cant stand it,,i wanna hide..it makes me feel so worthless.. and now my R.A. REALLYHURTS ..i want to take a walk and just keep walkin' im so sad today. im going back to bed now--i wish i could ,,cant,,gotta preform and get things done -- or im worthless elbows and neck and hands --with or with out--must prove im a value
I HURT real bad right here in my JAW -its been there for awhile ,its just today i really noticed it -QUESTION : do i have RA im my neck and JAW??? how weird..it feels like i do -thats why i cannot swallow very well im sure...

RA is so so so so difficult - it feels like i cant make it -

heres some shots of my elbows and such this AM";

--------------------

this is what ive beeen reading this MORNING.headlines : ohboi=
How to Survive the Coming Food Shortage=
All of these factors mean THE END OF CHEAP FOOD
source: http://www.dailypaul.com/node/40465
i said something about this 2 days ago..NPR keeps me up-2-date on everything - they are always ONE step ahead of TV news,,which i dont trust at all,
((((((TV NEWS CNN included..what is isnt,,,and was isnt is.))))))

http://www.codexalimentarius.net/web/index_en.jsp
im tellin ya,,,i smell danger in the comming days,,maybe im paronoid....its possible yes,,BUT why then is it everywhere,,i dont care now about being paronoid, im doing the garden thing asap,,today is sat,,its autum,,and its time 2 learn....for springtime! i was planting flowers,,butwe cant eat flowers,,im moving on to food (more useful)

banged up because im so blind (need glasses bad)

this is the worlld we want to live in,,,andy griffith world,,we love this SHOW !!
life is so hard with rheumatoid in yer way of things,,
we r trynig so hard to make it,,car is down NO $
-but we r lillies of the valley - i will create blessed art and sell it for money -
this lil blessing keeps us sane...we have a family to take care of ..must fight to hang on for US!!

well the news is even scarier today,,we DO HAVE some tools in the garage,,i call it the "barn" tho,,,it looks lie a barn i wish it was a barn,,, i wish we LIVED IN THECOUNTRY! and had some land BUT hey- we gotta HOE and we gotta shovel,,,hehehe and a pick/hacker thingy to break ground for a garden - i think its good for mental and physical health anyways ,,to have small garden for some simple things like potatos and carrorts and other,,i know how to blanch and pressure cook adn i know abut "Rootcellers" ,,well,ive seen it done and kelly grew up on a BIG produce farm,,she knows alot about growing & harvest so thats just great,,we need to get a plan and go for it,,about the guns tho,,shit that Scares me cuz im diagnosed depressed,,and i know for godsake i AM! and so is kelly too,,i just take pills to control mine-she cant,,shes already tried all the lexapro the others,,they fuck w/ her head more then the depression so she really cant take them,,and shes tried them all ,,believe ME!
so a gun is dangerous around two crazy women,really UNLESS we had it locked somewhere off of these premises and we could get to it under "emergancy times"...otherwise its no good to have a gun,,
i saw this this morning CNN =
and thought about the gun and said NOPE! not a good idea for us:





*i dont EVEN wanna see our stock today,,,, im not even going to look ,,its probably we owe them now