me right now,,and im freeeeeezing,i gotta go lay down now,
yep i'm frozen solid -believe me i even have thermals on too.
my damn neck always hurts so badly,its enuff to drive ya insane.

ShamWOW...its Monday and time flies
me and mary wanted to hookup this weekend but couldnt -we talked about seeing our mom,,'
(for me it would be like ten years since Ive seen her,,scary)
gulp,,,change subject....
im using Firefox browser now because IE is jacked,,i dunno whats the issue,,i KNOW i have a virus deep in the boot sector of my other harddrive, no OS installed,just a 200 GIG hard drive full of all of my years of pictures and AVIS and other OLD stuff from years ago,,plus 200 gig allows me to shop for AVIS (torrents) and then burn and wipe it clean,,then find something else- i have so many movies i have not seen yet,,,,like Elizabeth the golden age,
(1 ofmyFAVORITE STYLE /era EVER!)
oh i was starting to watch the skeleton key,,i had to stop and wait for a better time,,but i knew it looked WAY GOOD (New Orleans style)
----------------------
things around here have calmed down now-and we feel OK ,but nervous about the future,in fact i am having BAD anxiety attacks right outta nowhere/I will burst out internally with a heat like feeling that sweeps thru my body and makes me sweat and feel like im gonna faint or throw right up. or is that what menopause does>? i do not know ..its all crazy and im exhausted right now,,ive been straightening the basement-for distraction-and it wiped me out plus im nervous.
i had to go thru seperation issues when kelly went to the store by herself,,cuz i was just way to
"gorea- pohobia'd out " i could not bear the thought of seeing people,,i get like that..its a scary feeling,,me and kelly BOTH get like that,,but she braved it and i felt so weird when she left,i felt like i was out on a limb,,i had to take a klonipin,,and it didnt even work -- just burried my head and rested while she ws gone and i paid attention to my feelings and why was i feeling that way,,,so scared and creepy and anxious and wanting kelly to cone right back --sompthings wrong with me.gulp,,im scared ans nervous. i just know its about the "separation" and being alone... i see attend the court in determining my future in weather i commit suiside or not on January 9th at 2.00 hearing,,,,,,,ohDa stress of it all,

TODAY'S post is called " parinoid - or what? "


im shaking-im freaking OUT-im trying to get a grip-im SCARED!

i woke up and :
LONDON (CNNMoney.com) -- Stocks around the world plunged Friday, with Japan's benchmark Nikkei index suffering a nearly 10% drop, as fears of a deep global recession intensified.
OMG what is happening? im scared i MEAN SCARED,,is this the end like they predicted,,i thought we were sapossed to make it to 2012,,OMGOMGOMGOMGMG
IM so scared
they CUT kellys hours @ her JOB and i dont know if im getting foodstamps ,i have to go there TODAY and ask them,,, ive called and called but they are not calling me back, (gulp)
-----im paronoid (the doc said) ----take these pils 4 it,(seriquil)-------
*more about how scary things are right now,,
U guys need to Wake up & smell the taser..

#1 U.S. stocks added to a worldwide stock selloff today on fears of a global recession.
#2 This is why this is happening to America.
“And it shall be, if thou do at all forget the LORD thy God, and walk after other gods, and serve them, and worship them, I testify against you this day that ye shall surely perish.” (Deuteronomy 8:19).
#3 As our Federal Government gets further into debt they will encroach and harass us even more to try to ticket us to pay for the 8 trillion that Paulson and his buddies looted from the treasure over the last month. GULP.
#4 CAN YOU SAY POSSE COMMMITATUS ACT VIOLATIONS COMMING. (gulp)
#5 BIG DAWG...this is VERY VERY VERY scary:
Pentagon Wants Packs Of Robots To Detect “Non-cooperative Humans”
Are we looking at the future of policing in America? (gulp). D.A.R.P.A.

Sarah Conner?Yes??Bang, bang!
problem = the world
solution = jesus christ
period!
http://www.projectaiko.com/index.html out OF CONTROL

#6 Former counter-terrorism czar Richard Clarke told CNN yesterday that Osama Bin Laden would attempt to influence the 2008 U.S. election with a terrorist attack or the release of a video tape, an October surprise to replicate that of 2004 when Bin Laden swung the election for Bush.
>WHY R THEY SAYING THIS- we all know Bin Laden is dead,,and its a stage for something else that will just be a SCAM like 911.
>They think we are too stupid from drinking the FLUORIDE to know any different!
Clarke: Bin Laden To Influence U.S. Election

#7 i must go outside now and count the chemtrails -so i will know how sick i will be tomorrow-

when is my appt w / that shrink? i want feedback,,i need to talk to someone about all this,,im having a serious PANICK ATTACK RIGHT NOW,, i am serverly panickkkkkkkked.
i will be eliminated because of this post IM SURE!
yes,,they know who to watch and im on "the list" because of my internet activity -where i go
and what i read..i will be detained soon......

had bad thoughts/dreamslast nite untill about 1.00 am -2.00am,,kept thinkin bout the doctors who jhave just completly blown me off now,,WHY >? i do everything they tell me to do-i try to be a good patient and just go along (i try to be a sport about it all),,BUT its all fucked now-its really haunting me about MORTON & doctor Kusi who i only had good trust for,,but now,,i dont fit his mold so to speak,,in other words,, the Neurotin is not agreeing with me at ALL,,,and he was pissed off or bothered,, that i want to discontinue NUROTIN MEDICINE used to treat = Neuropathic Pain.
------and what causes this ??? -------------
symptoms of neuropathic pain?
Neuropathic pain is a complex, chronic pain state that usually is accompanied by tissue injury. With neuropathic pain, the nerve fibers themselves may be damaged, dysfunctional or injured. These damaged nerve fibers send incorrect signals to other pain centers. The impact of nerve fiber injury includes a change in nerve function both at the site of injury and areas around the injury.
~side effects that I HAVE from NEUROTIN; Neuropathic Pain
Body as a Whole: Infrequent: chest pain, vision imapaired,
Respiratory System: Frequent:
dyspnea, which i had to look up= Dyspnea or dyspnoea (pronounced disp-nee-ah, IPA /dɪsp'niə/), shortness of breath or shortness of breath (SOB) is perceived to be difficulty of breathing or painful breathing. It is a common symptom of numerous medical disorders.
Dyspnea on exertion (DOE or exertional dyspnea) indicates dyspnea that occurs (or worsens) during physical activity.
OK NOW,this sounds aLOT like what IM calling"costo-congitus" real spelling is costochondritis, Rare: nasal obstruction,snoring,bronchospasm,hypoventilation,-kelly said i snore like shes NEVER heard
Special Senses:Infrequent: abnormal vision,ear pain, eye disorder taste perversion(wha?), deafness; Rare: eye pain,taste loss. Musculoskeletal: Infrequent: arthritis, arthralgia<-again had to look this UP=Arthralgia: Pain in the joints, OK great give the RA patient some medicine that will agatate my JOINTS~! god-i NEED a JOINT! after all this shit!
myalgia, arthrosis, leg cramps, myasthenia; Rare: shin bone pain, joint disorder, tendon disorder.
Nervous System: Frequent: confusion, depression; Infrequent: vertigo, nervousness, paresthesia, insomnia, neuropathy, libido decreased, anxiety, depersonalization, reflexes decreased, speech disorder, abnormal dreams, dysarthria, emotional lability, nystagmus, stupor, circumoral paresthesia, euphoria, hyperesthesia, hypokinesia, suicide attempt; Rare: agitation ...ohhh yea souhnds about like last week BEFORE i decreased the dose.
,,he claims all the facial swelling is PEDNISONE,,again WRONG DUDE this is NO effing prednisone and HOW EFFING LONG do i have to walk around holding my heart chest area for the pain of it all-????? WTF??/ this "costo" wont leave me at all,,i feel it get better, then sometimes its so bad i cant breaTH at all with OUT my Klonipin i dont know what id do - IT SCARES ME- KELLY'S ADVISE 4 today WHEN I DROVE HER TO WORK THIS am,,, (good advise fer sure):THINK POSITIVE AND PRAY FOR THE LORD TO LEAD ME 2 HELP- OR THE HELP TO FIND ME- EITHER WAY,,I FOUND A NODULE AND I HAVE TO LOOK IT UP NOW on the internet-,,(ON MY ELBOW RIGHT-SIDE)

BACK from looking UP NODULES OMG!!!!! look at this,,its all comming together NOW;
What are rheumatoid nodules?

As part of the rheumatoid process, firm, non-tender, subcutaneous nodules develop in about 25 percent of rheumatoid arthritis patients. These are commonly found at pressure points like the elbow,(HELLO!!!!!) back of the forearm, and metacarpophalangeal joint. Nodules usually occur in chronic active cases of rheumatoid arthritis, and are commonly associated with more joint deformity and serious extra-articular manifestations including lungs, eyes, and blood vessels. Nodules may vary in size during the course of the disease process, according to Raymond Federman, M.D.


Complications of rheumatoid nodules
Johns Hopkins claims complications of rheumatoid nodules include:
pain
limited joint mobility <-shit no good-
neuropathy <---THAT WORD AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!
ulceration <---wha?
fistula formation <----wha?
infection <----whatever!