oh its thursday and im sick,,i have a bug ,,cough -- cough -- cough --cough-gag...

..man im watching CNN (( just let it stay on the channel all day -thats typical TV for me all day))

i go straight to NPR when in the car,,,POINT IS Kelly just called to say the

diane rhime show says all our pharmacuticals come from CHINA - medicine from china?
scary scary i have no trust,,,whatsgoing on here folks,,

maybe im just,,,yea,,im i,,i m just being parinoid agian.....diagnosed :borderline personality- OMG i never knew,.,OMG i am so worried that i my have hurt someones fee;llngs along my lifes way then,, or screwed up somene opr something--im sooooo sorry jesus forgive me of my sins i pray ..........and let me know where i need to go and make things right ..thank u lord,,amen.

in da name of da fadder da son and da holyghost!

i have gorephobia .... i am struggling today with the fact i must go and get my medicine from morton-god they scare me out there,,,,and then go get more seriquil too,from another place,,medical arts building on harvard=OK nothing too bad,,((which will take all day-and im so sick and coughing like crazy) its 11.33 am and i wanna just lay down --its so pretty outside,,i MUST be crazy for not finding something to do outside,,omg its beautiful out -

my neck still hurting bad

too

im reeeaaal tired and going to bed now,,its been a LONG HOT day,whew!
Rheumatoid has really backed off and this is the start of a NEW WEEK on less prednisone.[its week-2-] Im tappering off this shit- down to 17.5 mg from 20 mg lemme explain why=
#!.OMG-PREDnisone is bad for your organs & your teeth,bones,skin,vision and im sure something else too,these are what I SEE and I HAVE issues with.i have had such bad reactions to it with RA flares,i get that swelling in my belly symptom and i look 8 months pregnant.-thats where the "IM HAVIN' A ALIEN BABY" saying came from.
#2.SEVEN-7 years of "mega" prednisone has taken its toll on my my skin and teeth and bones are falling apart now(((i cant even go barefoot anymore-b/c baby toe just falls out of the socket Holder,,NO-joking about this either)))
#3.It does wreak havoc on my mental stability as well,,i feel so effing paranoid about everything,the ONLY way i can get thru the day is with my klonazapam - i take 0.05-3XaDay,not a very high does at all,& ive been taking this drug from the start of my CALVARY JOB,,thats 2003? i think? i'd have to check-i had such bad agoraphobia over that job -that i had hives popping up all over me and my face,,real embarressing too-and the thought of having to perform in this type of business (C.C.and other type debt collections) and i knew nadda about this kind of job - i only know people, and thats what got me the job,HOW TO DEAL & WORK w/PEOPLE(kelly says i endear people and charm people),i wiggled my way into that JOB at CAVALRY & hung in there to the end,,finishing off at 3rd in the comapny,(offices in NY-Minn-&-AZ. and of course here in tulsa ,OK.
~I really had soooo much fun working there-i MISS ARRON KENNEDY-and NICK FRAZER.
http://www.cavalryportfolioservices.com





BUT the "stage fright"just killed me ~the doctor I was seeing suggested this klonipin,,i tried it and approved and STIL approve,I do depend on it *BUT I had to go a LOOOOOOOOONG-TIME withOUT it (almost 2 months),i needed it filled on MAY 20th 2008--my order for PPA was NOT comming in as promised. I ddint get my Klonipin UNTIL end of JULY and this was NOT GOOD - i stayed streessed out and could not stand to stay in one place to long or do any thing that took along time / i had NO concentration,,complete with-drawls i suspect naturally when i got a letter from Lilly about the request fro klonipin,,they needed a few other simple things,,and the lady who does this thing out at MORTON scewed it all up and did not complete the forms properly,,so that caused the delay --no one cared eithr,,when i went to explain that this is not right and i bneed my medicine they advised me to bring down empy bottles of what i needed and they will refill untill PPA comes in, OHHH OK great !! THANK U!!! i'll be right there,,so i go and guess what,,they claimed i never spoke to KUSI's NURSE and she will NOT get my medicine,
i was threatened by dr kusi's nurse - i was yelled at by her for explaining to her PPA doesn't have my prescriptions,,i need my meds ",,she just said to me "you just get right on outa her girl...u do this EVERY TIME" then i said "what do i do every time?"(,,hell i never saw his lady before today)
so much for competence and easy solutions ..hell no!its gotta be some kinda BIG effing deal and they UPSET THE HOLY SHIT OUT OF ME !!!!!!!!!!!!
back to my story of MORTON _HELL "empty bottles and no problem" OK so i do this and when i get there,,she sees i need my prdednisone and kloipin & i told her i still have no cymbalta,,,,she said "i NEVER talked to YOU and I DID NOT TELL U TO BRING Ur EMPTY BOTTLES for refill", i said "wha?" i was stupefied,,OMG here we go again- hassles from the authorities(they LOVE having the control over you as a patient they must all be some kind of sadistic, mean spirited people-
"NURSE ratchet" type)-and so i said forget it-forget you guys -you guys are the problem and i left, I thought on the way home i'm NOT EVER EVER going back there again -- but just today i had a appt with NEW doctor out there-to,,its Monday night (i had kelly go w/me to Morton today) BUT we had a issue pop up and it stole my chance to meet this NEW DOCTOR(female too)theISSUE:MY BLUE CARD XPIRED-so ofcorse it took almost 3 hours of just waiting for help with renewal on my card,,then i was so effing COLD in there - i just could not take it anymore.I re-scheduled for a later day and we took kelly back to her POE=guaranty abstract co:
http://guarantyabstract.com/offices.html




its a very cool job,,it takes alot of legal knowledge.

I SURE LOVE CAKE!





Taken from the Local(tulsa,OK) headlines today,,
Monday was the hottest day of the year so far. In Tulsa we hit a high of 94 degrees which was 14 degrees above normal and 2 degrees shy of tying the record high of 96 degrees, set in 2006
MY POINT? can i just have some effing NORMAL weather like stable and NORMAL,,OK?
i NOTICED YESTERDAY (did NOT feel good at ALL yesterday) that the skies were FULL of thick chemtrails again,,no blue sky could be seen just a thick haze thruout the skies and now im sick sick sick - swollen wiht RA ,elbows are so bad / Nodules hurt .
I found them (N)on my wrists now,, must photo them,,TODAY I go to MORTN again, to see Dr Kusi,as per their (Betty= in charge of morton's human resourses department) directions,from the last horricfic visit out there.

had bad thoughts/dreamslast nite untill about 1.00 am -2.00am,,kept thinkin bout the doctors who jhave just completly blown me off now,,WHY >? i do everything they tell me to do-i try to be a good patient and just go along (i try to be a sport about it all),,BUT its all fucked now-its really haunting me about MORTON & doctor Kusi who i only had good trust for,,but now,,i dont fit his mold so to speak,,in other words,, the Neurotin is not agreeing with me at ALL,,,and he was pissed off or bothered,, that i want to discontinue NUROTIN MEDICINE used to treat = Neuropathic Pain.
------and what causes this ??? -------------
symptoms of neuropathic pain?
Neuropathic pain is a complex, chronic pain state that usually is accompanied by tissue injury. With neuropathic pain, the nerve fibers themselves may be damaged, dysfunctional or injured. These damaged nerve fibers send incorrect signals to other pain centers. The impact of nerve fiber injury includes a change in nerve function both at the site of injury and areas around the injury.
~side effects that I HAVE from NEUROTIN; Neuropathic Pain
Body as a Whole: Infrequent: chest pain, vision imapaired,
Respiratory System: Frequent:
dyspnea, which i had to look up= Dyspnea or dyspnoea (pronounced disp-nee-ah, IPA /dɪsp'niə/), shortness of breath or shortness of breath (SOB) is perceived to be difficulty of breathing or painful breathing. It is a common symptom of numerous medical disorders.
Dyspnea on exertion (DOE or exertional dyspnea) indicates dyspnea that occurs (or worsens) during physical activity.
OK NOW,this sounds aLOT like what IM calling"costo-congitus" real spelling is costochondritis, Rare: nasal obstruction,snoring,bronchospasm,hypoventilation,-kelly said i snore like shes NEVER heard
Special Senses:Infrequent: abnormal vision,ear pain, eye disorder taste perversion(wha?), deafness; Rare: eye pain,taste loss. Musculoskeletal: Infrequent: arthritis, arthralgia<-again had to look this UP=Arthralgia: Pain in the joints, OK great give the RA patient some medicine that will agatate my JOINTS~! god-i NEED a JOINT! after all this shit!
myalgia, arthrosis, leg cramps, myasthenia; Rare: shin bone pain, joint disorder, tendon disorder.
Nervous System: Frequent: confusion, depression; Infrequent: vertigo, nervousness, paresthesia, insomnia, neuropathy, libido decreased, anxiety, depersonalization, reflexes decreased, speech disorder, abnormal dreams, dysarthria, emotional lability, nystagmus, stupor, circumoral paresthesia, euphoria, hyperesthesia, hypokinesia, suicide attempt; Rare: agitation ...ohhh yea souhnds about like last week BEFORE i decreased the dose.
,,he claims all the facial swelling is PEDNISONE,,again WRONG DUDE this is NO effing prednisone and HOW EFFING LONG do i have to walk around holding my heart chest area for the pain of it all-????? WTF??/ this "costo" wont leave me at all,,i feel it get better, then sometimes its so bad i cant breaTH at all with OUT my Klonipin i dont know what id do - IT SCARES ME- KELLY'S ADVISE 4 today WHEN I DROVE HER TO WORK THIS am,,, (good advise fer sure):THINK POSITIVE AND PRAY FOR THE LORD TO LEAD ME 2 HELP- OR THE HELP TO FIND ME- EITHER WAY,,I FOUND A NODULE AND I HAVE TO LOOK IT UP NOW on the internet-,,(ON MY ELBOW RIGHT-SIDE)

BACK from looking UP NODULES OMG!!!!! look at this,,its all comming together NOW;
What are rheumatoid nodules?

As part of the rheumatoid process, firm, non-tender, subcutaneous nodules develop in about 25 percent of rheumatoid arthritis patients. These are commonly found at pressure points like the elbow,(HELLO!!!!!) back of the forearm, and metacarpophalangeal joint. Nodules usually occur in chronic active cases of rheumatoid arthritis, and are commonly associated with more joint deformity and serious extra-articular manifestations including lungs, eyes, and blood vessels. Nodules may vary in size during the course of the disease process, according to Raymond Federman, M.D.


Complications of rheumatoid nodules
Johns Hopkins claims complications of rheumatoid nodules include:
pain
limited joint mobility <-shit no good-
neuropathy <---THAT WORD AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!
ulceration <---wha?
fistula formation <----wha?
infection <----whatever!

every doctor has said "its the prednisone "/this doesnt even LOOK LIKE ME/ why did it start 2 weks after Neurotin then eh? they refuse to listen,they all say it is prednisone storeing it self up and causig the pufffyness - OK explain the red flushness of my upper then? ahh no reason for that???,,OK then what about the costo,,
ive had it from march 1st,WHY? Oh no answer again,,,,wow,,we r getting nowwhere fast,,shoulda just fucking stayed HOME -how fustrating when at first a doctor acts like hes gonna help ya,then he acts like he doesnt know you from fucking adam,,he actully asked if i had insurance,heknows i do not have insurance why did he do that,,i flagged that comment,,it came at about the end of thedeal when he wanted to wrap up things,he basicly said go seee mckay then come back hre,,se what they say- like i can afford that,,he doesnt want me there,,thats why,, HE didnt do that befor hussien doctor, now he thinks im more trouble??? i cnat go back there,, im so embarressed -
omg it was somethng i felt by him distancing himself and what to do about anything at all waass liike differnet and no support,,he threw me under the bus so to speak -he was vauge and im really sad now- hers how i just woke up alittle bit ago=
its in the middle of the nite. i could not sleep again,i awoke to bad thought of MORTON,(i went there today)- in my dream they are all laughing at me and sayingthings like school children would tease a kid,,weird, then Dr KUSI patronized me and tht was it,,it musta really upset me cuz i woke up with a damn tear and had to spring outta bed on soe RA'd out feet,,these past 2 days have had me emotionally wrecked and im still under the spell of the morton burn as i swear to GOD that DR kusi blew me off today, or aleast he didnt seem to be his supportive self,he didnt agree with theneurotin side effects i have EVERY side effect including the constpation -facial edima,-i learned that means swelling- the doctors all say its the prednisone-i say "i disagree" because i have been on a much higher doese and never have i been this big,, it all started around the neurotin 2 weeks into it- HEY it helped alot at first,,i was sold on it completly- i was OK by talking it,,BUT things grew worst and i missed a dose and felt better after missing that does swelling went down too- so i KNIOW then neurtion is not doing me any good, i was falling down, confussed , seeing things outta my prorifial vision and skin-delicacy is worst then ever,,, flush- face and "temple and top of my headache" consistanly, VISION POOR as hell too, god the list goes on
COSTOCONGITUS started to worrie me tho,it wont go away,

march 1st and sent me to morton (saw JUJU) no help, but bloodtests were done ad i NEVER heard a THING about them,,tho we sure n hell had to pay out the ass for them,,-

Next i schedule an appt w/only dr Kusi- went -no dr KUSI saw the "islamic" doctor-hussien? or whaTever , -he blew me away - SUPER patronizing & said he cannot help me,,im in need of a rheumotoigist and DUH!? LIKE WEONT already know that - we were so disapointed and left with a bad feeling ~
It set off a chain of events that just sent me into a complete meltdown -it was the end of outr line and now thats gone, ruiened by patronizing doctors who dont know anything else but DIABETIC and depression patients- - god if you arent in the "mold" they dont wanna mess w/ you ---i dont think dr kusi wants to see me there like he did before,,i think that DR. huussen ruiend it for me-he put something in my chart/ folder b/c DR . Kusi left for long time and looked over my chart-he seemed patronizing when he came back- he seeemed diffferent - i cant pin it- i didnt think then at the time - i was very cooperative and OK to talk and had all my dates with me, ,,i think it in retrospect,,looking back,i see that when he left ,,then came back -
POST from middle of then nite=
dr kusi acted weird to me today, and thats why i cant sleep and WHY im here right now 2.20 am-typing away ,,as myheart pounds right outta my chest from fear of not knowing what or where im gonna go from here,,but im not with a good feeling on this,,Gulp!.

before AND.......................................................................

after with no treatment and falling thru the cracks of the system.....
red sploches all over me and swelling like crazy
~ that doc (islamic-he was middle easteen scary) HE said the face swelling is from prednisone,, prednisone! WRONG DUDE!! ur NO effing doctor-wtf? its the NEROTIN,and im quitting it on my own ,,,because they wont listen ,,i decresseed by one dose (300 mg,),(( down to six hundred miligrams aday now )))

------------------------------------------
ALOT has happened nd i dont feel like typing about it, i feel depresssed to the core,,i have costocongitis SO BAD that over 15 minuets off the heating pad from my chest allows the pain back it feels like a gunshot to my heat and i feel the EXIT wound - meaNING it is painful thru the entire heart area - like a gunshot to the heart,is the BEST WAY to describe it. im not real pleased with MORTON clinic like i was before,
kelly and i went out to keep my appt with doctor KUSI- he was not there,,i was afraid not to not see a dr. b/c of the heart- chest -pain- thing again,, this doctor that i saw was insulting aS he said hes only a family doctor and he cannot do any thing but say i need help and a rheumatoligist and to help with depression - DUH thats SO 5 years ago DUDE! i have a issue with my NEUROTIN i need to tell you about these side effect,, he dosent hear a word - instead he talks about my prestriction as a whole,,i followed and then says i filled my klonipin 2 X illigally at reasors,, he had a printout,,i wa s like wha??? first of all we dont fill klonipin at reasors,,so u r mistaken - he wrote a script for prednisone saying thats all,and left,
he thought we were drug seekers,-all they have doone is taken AWAY not given,,, hello,,if we were drug seeking why would we come back, OH im such a druggy, im on neurotin, and pred and cymbalta and lamisil (for my thumb ) and the klonipin and darvon are the only thi8ng i really have to say are something to keeep an eye on ........
i was so upset and it spun my lil crazystaw brain right into a fizzy and into days of confusion an
horror,,i have felt shitty aND still do -my heart i s heavy -sad- i never want to back out there again- EVER!
about neurotin,, info on bottom page shows all the side efeect and i have had them all
http://www.rxlist.com/cgi/generic/gabapent_ad.htm

shows this:
Body As A Whole: Frequent: asthenia, malaise, face edema; Infrequent: allergy, generalized edema, weight decrease, chill; Rare: strange feelings, lassitude, alcohol intolerance, hangover effect.
shows this in the side effects for RARE =
Rare: costochondritis, osteoporosis, bursitis, contracture. they would NOT liastwen to me at all,,they would not treat me nor did they document that i have costo in the worst kind of way- nothing we paid for absolutly nothing andf we were very upset, dont knw what im gnna do now,,other then pray,,just pray,,i need a fucking rheumatolistist,,these doctors cant help me at all - nor do they want to,, im about to cry right now,,i dont know if im going tocontinue this blog,i feel more and more depressed im so screwed i wantot just WORK and BE NORMAL goddamnit!