more of me on film!

this is a normal elbow









does it shows Synovial fluid?? -i dont know. thats what is geting attacked via RA .i wanna know?

ok,,im back and i cant figure out how to view this X-RAY CD
i just picked up the CD alittle while ago, i see my elbows,,(took a screen shot)
my one elbow looks real weird, u can see the nodual on elbows? and heres what i say: my elbows have separetated and they are THICKER now and they have that nodule or "that pointy part" on the end of my elbow.
they HURT LIKE HELL most of the time so i cant believe my x-rays are un-comment-able. im just stupified...what is it,why? do they look normal? hell if i know,,i know they feel like they are big and they are always in pain,if not ALOT then just a little.

im not well today,,im spinning in my mind aboutthe hell we have to keep gonig thru
(ssdi) OMG is it worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i have the welfair state up my ass all the time,the welfair doctr i saw yesterday blew me off bad,,belittled my RA and insists she cannot treat my mental health,(we ALREDY established that-duh) BUT THEN SHE turns around and writes out that i should accept the offer of group sessions at F and C servics,(which i said im never going back) wtf? OK,, either u are helping me with mental or not. why would she put group sessions my paper....
_what i am saying is that ever since i fell into the welfair state - ive gotten nothing but trouble,its no wonder ppl are jumping off the bridge_

YOU ARE TELLING ME ALL THIS RA STUFF IS NON-SENSE, AND I AM PERFECTLY NORMAL ON XRAYS,,,WHY AM I EVEN COMPLAINING,,IS WHAT SHE WAS LIKE WITH ME AT THE DR'S TOADY,,k lke im going back there again,shhhitno i wish i could get insured,,work ad get insurance,,my god,,i swear you really have to be some kind of scammer to get ssdi,,cuz thats the only kind of people i know that get it here





tonite is bad (i just discovered that my new glasses are gone-missing) and i saw drwhitte and she really really really minimized my RA and wheni asked about my neck,,she looked at the XRAY report and said,,aaahhh looks like you got a little bit of arthitus your neck..and said something else about it but i was like,,OK whats going on here,,why r u telling me this and mininimizing it,,while my elbows are sticking out abnormaly and i showed her adn she was like,,OH wow,,OK well,,the reports say,,un-remarkable,,so in other words,,NORMAL she said,,but then again i showed hr my front knuckle,righ hand,,and shes like,,ok,,well,,i see it there,,,,why NOT THEXRAY,,what is going on here,,about 12 years ago,,i went in to have my friend a doctor,,jennuy alexopolis..here in tulsa,,,i complained of depression then and a deep pain in my hip,,she Xray'd and after the results came back,,she sat me down and said,,she thinks she sees either LUPUS or RHEUMATOID in / on my xrays,,,i felt ok then so i ignored all that and thought she was just seeing something but i didnt know whatall that ment then- i felt just fine so naturaly i forgot all about that,,
i felt just fine except for that danm pain in my hip.
AND NOW??you telling me YEARS LATER that theres nothing !!nothing !! NOTHING on these elbows and hands in XRAYS, u r telling me i look normal,,BULL!!,,what the hell is gong on here_ me and kelly are having mental breakdowns right here tonite-we r
both crying and canot believe what is happinening,,,,THANK GOD kelly was in there ..she saw dr whitte just patronize me and then minimize my RA as if i dont even effing have it,,.she said,,debi,i saw it,,i dont understand what is happening- aaahhh11hat is going on,its very strange indeed tho,
i/we need to wake up from this nitemare!

i have a doctors appt at 1.00pm,today
-kelly 's taken off at noon to go with,,,we have alot of questions for dr whitte,, im numb and feel stuck within myself,,im scared, that we wont win and it is gonna blow up my whole world, i feel reaally reaaallly strange,,sureal like,,almost like im not really here and this is all just some kind of hallucination or something -- im very disapointed in everything.

hi guys,its a sunny sunday 11,30am and i have been totaly stressed out (inside myself) because of this court case (SSDI)>kelly says im not gonna win. just flat out no going to win...but i feel like i am going to win the case,i see me getting the help and the approval<

saturday and its SNOWING and 34 degrees,,i hear thunder while its snowing -its snowing like crazy and we have flowers already out,,OMG, this is crazy weather. i want my global warming back please burrr.

it late aftenoon its cold and rainy and snow may fall tonite,on our tulips!
this weather is crazy,we just got back from my "shrink" appt. she(dr grayson)knows leah hunt -my other MSW.small world.
~the car was in the shop,the water pump blew and its almost time for rent,we had no extra money and we were really stresing but my dad saved us .i love my dad.
this visit was set up by my atty, who needs this evaluation for court, i dont mind, i just tell it like it is,,the doctors all say im bi-polar and they recommend special medicine, im depressed i just want to feel better, ever scince i stopped working- i have felt awful about my self,,oh god i cant type anymore,,im super tired - wish that i had a keyboard that lets me speak the words while it types for me,,
BTW,alot of UFOs are being reported and guess what else??? IM Worried about the NEWS this morning, it looks like the government knows something we dont ...and they are getting ready for something BIG BIG BIG mark my words ppl!..according to reports from watchful people all over the usa we have over 100,thousdand coffins (plastic) and concentrationcamps set up all thru USA,you guys,,somethings going on and im alittle concerned,,if u dontknow about this ..im sorry,,but its scaRY TRUE.
IM not even gonna mention it again in writting,,,camps and coffins all thru america -
im not going to ever ever write about it going forward,,,im only going to read read read and watch watch watch - pay attn,get off my all meds and any type of depenancy on ANYTHING and get ready to RUN! very scary stuff..gulp.

i feel sick today - its thrusday,
last night we were invited over to twilla 's house for fried chicken dinner. we both did not feel like going but when kelly called over to her house to cancel - of course we just said OK we'll be over just as soon as we can-this was the first time i met her and her kids are very nice and they are half Egyptian,,(thats kool) we left at 7.30 pm, and then i was sooooo tired i crashed .the reason we didnt want to go over there, is because we both were sooo upset about what has happened with my SSDI case....its quite clear that things are not going n my favor/// i am waiting for the judge to decide in regards to my SSDI and he (judge) has welcomed any other evidence- but my atty is just weird..i dont know,,i cant explain it,, he doesnt care about this case at all- he's got so many bankruptcies ...he doesnt need to win this case,he is just fine if it doesnt win,,,,hes rollin' in dough and he is a typical atty stuff (try to be nice debi m)
im exhausted from being so upset with blatent mistakes...incompetence , and just downright rude-ness of ppl today- what on earth has happened,,its something tho,,seems like everyone is sooooo on edge and even in trafffic i feel the tension-noone gives anyone a break,,everyone drives crazy - no where else have i ever seen such stupidity in traffic.
my collaerbone Leftside- hurts badly and my neck hurts too,, even tho i had a MRI-i do not know one thing about the results,,,not even anything in writting ,,which i would expect at LEAST ...if no call .....OK look-my thinking is,,,after i had my regular Xrays,, the Dr ordered
MRI of my neck,,,,so that tells me something is up with my neck,,because MRIs cost ALOT OF Money and we didnt have to pay, government picked up that tab,,or taxpayers...thank you all of you tax payers,i mean really, thank you -i want to know why my neck hurts sooooo bad that it becomes so painful/stressfullllll i cant think- i cant concentrate-i cant move about-or anything- but cry from the pain,,i swear to god this pain would make some one wanna just end all because its so intense and inescapable for most of the time, i see a new shrink tomorrow (shes from the atttys office and its part of a stratigy. UPDATE:weve been requsting time to talk to chris,,,atty,,,and hes not been very responsive, SO today i about fell over when kelly called to tell me she TT chris and he has astonding news,,THEY ARESAYING NO DETEORATION IN HANDS ERITS AND ELBOWSwtf?shit i took remicade for ovr a year every effig month,,the hell with methotrexate,,and all the othe icky medicie why the fuck am i ruiening myself with prednisone if i dont have RA - they aer trying to tellme i dont have RA,,NOW IM stunned and i am so sick of how ppl are belittling of rheumatiod,and they are so not undeerstanding ..im i loosig my mnd here,,tell me im dreaming just tell me im dreamnig

had to argue w/ attys and drag the trash to the curb ,,,im too tired now,,bbl,,ug.

last time i was here was friday and ,,,,,time has gone by , alot has happened.
we went to dallas to see the king tut exhibit and get back very late sunday eve,,then monday i was SO tired from it all,, both kelly and i had the "burnING eyes thing" from NOT enuff sleep.
it was worth th trouble to drive down and see the display,,we were at the dallas museum from 11:00 am untill 6:00PM then walked down town o a cute Italian place were all 15 of us chowed on Italian food and stared out at the beautiful down town dallas,,(i wanna move there asap)
its happening down there,,its alive and theres alot of art and artist,,we'd fit right in.
NEVER EVER THOUGHT ID WANNA MOVE BACK TO DALLAS BUT I DO (AND SO DOES KELLY) THERE IS MONEY THERE, ITS BEAUTIFUL AND MILD WINTERS AND COOL PEOPLE.
as far as economy goes ...it didnt look like dallas was effected,,i mean big ol 'cranes everywhere buildings going up left and right and great streets with accurate signs to let you know where you are,,i loved it.
my RA seems to be better,,i endured it all and still feel OK,,like my neck swelling is going down and i just feel a little stronger, and able to pass on the afternoon nap (i hate napping) im just gonna hope this continues, because i like feeling better....as long as i dont over do it,,i am holding steady at this level of RA for now,,(its a break) WHEW! even my fnigers feel better, im able to type and all,,, i tt my dad,,,he said hes got cateracks too,,, its like looking thru fog,,and it sux,,its real bad for me and im super blind and my glasses dont even help,,i go without, cateracks need to go. i told someone i have caracks,,they said" arnt you alittle young for that>? ..YEP,,i am,,but its from the PREDNISONE! i have just got to get rid of this pednisone addiction.

it was 80 degrees and now its only 40 something,BURR,,damnit,,i need to get away from this painful cold weather.i hope gloria is OK, i was thinkin' bout her she went to her neice's funeral, and thats just not fair, too young to die - just heartbreaking news .i dont feel to strng this morning,,i didnt wanna get up,,i felt heavy as a rock, its almost seven now so i gotta fo wake kelly up so she can get going. i have alot to say, so i will be back later,,,for part two of this theapy.

------just some things that i keep thinking about...lookin for answers (as always)
Hybrid -DNA- Anunnaki -Nephilim -fallen angels -planet x -nibiru -sitchin -evolution -creation --aliens -ufos -mars -africa -moon -sunspots -planet x ....cycle 24..so on and so fourth.
---------------
tomorrow SATURDAY i will wake up in dallas with tickets to go see my favorite subject EGYPTIANS- the king tut exibit : http://www.kingtut.org/home
i will be there w/kelly and her family, they are providng everything, we, -me and kell-were very surprised and......gulp,,OK then,,so this is gonna be something,,seeing theREAL THING ,im about to faint right now just thinking about it,,(((yea, life still sux tho as far as RA goes but im trying NOT to think aboutthat))) and just think of "boyking" and how i willl be right there beside him to see with my own eyes,OMG! OMGOMGOMG, Akhenaten's son!!!,,my absolute fav thing to learn about. for those who know :“Can you see anything?” “Yes, wonderful things.”

its wed and i still hate everything, actual i dont hate everything,,but iwill saythis,,i am liiving in a very very very very hard relationship, times are so strange and HARD! (economy)
and i have NOTHING but RA .k's entirely fed up with me, alltho i dont know why, ive done nothing different, shes just,,nevermind.
shit-i get slammed outta now where, icant handel that,,it hurts my ra. very anoying.

I haTE WAKING UP to this fucking life,,

guess what? i have no appts or responsibility today.its 6.51 am and we have a "sort of weird thing" happen to us,,we got a call on satuday late - it was danielle - shes getting evicted from her apartment which was welfare housing anyway,, she has no one to turn to - we didn't want to say """"stay w/ us""" ... but omg, she" put us on the spot" as if we could say NO,,
and we couldn't just not answer he phone cuz she kept calling over and over in desperate measures,,so we said JUST FOR TONITE(sat.night)- at first i resisted but as usual came around and when she got here, i was OK and thinking well,,maybe this is for a reason,,and she really has no one,(her parents died) so its now a monday morning,,,kellys getting ready and danielle is sleeping on our sofa,,im not sure for how long,, i told her she could stay ,,,and that we can figure out some thing for her - so thats whats been going on,,its been COLD weather again,,but the warm weather is on its way today,,its gonna hit 70 something,,yea!

HI GUYS, thought this was crazy cute/the cat:

sunday and warmerweather is comming, i cannot function in that cold weather .
i am a lazy person today, the sun is out but its not warm enuf to go out front and unveil the poor plants- so,,ive been just chilling, kelly went to her mama's while i slept.

downtown view

checkdamail

burr

i love downtown

downtown

saturday am and ts COLD AGAIN ,,,hate that,,

me and kelly are enjoying our saturday,,slept in (8:00) then got hyped on coffee and prednisone, (my neck hurts)

ive been changing alot of FLVs into AVIs so i can burn them and watch stuff on tv, like UFO and 2012 stuff, also meditation stuff. lifes been boaring because im always sleeping and when im not sleeping i have to clean house, dust, vaccume, and entertain 3 cats, and nap. so it just seems kinda like i have no time anymore. and i hate to blog when i have no pictures or theres nothing to write about other then myneckhurts,

we had to get out saturday afternoon-and go to walmart, we went to one on the west side,,never been there before but it was roomy and not too crowded for a saturday;

i love elvis presley!

watching the "E"

luvEm

i needed to put on cosmetics

after a goood rest i felt better, i had energy to do this to myself (some cosmetics and have a smile w/ol' elvis)and take some pictures of us just messin around,im numb from painaids(THANKGOD)

~OH and star is in the shredder again!! shes after the strips of paper -she thinks they are prey!

soooooo funni!-the things she does are amazing,,because we see it as her personality, i just love her and so does kelly,,babyStar just warms our hearts and even tho sometimes she is really loud in the in middle of the night and tearing up my funiture i still love to sit and just watch her, shes better then TV show with the things she does, god shes so CUTE!

and little! shes so little! ittybitty kitty,,heheheee
babystar

these are my RA knuckels -RA really shows

i am not doing so good today. the cold weather came back-its killin me.

today is Thursday i have a 2;00 appt with dr whitte,,at bedlam,,i need to know just what we r looking at here wiht my poor neck,(hurtz so bad) and i am very nervous about them thinkin they are gonna ween me off the klonipin,,i dont think thats a good idea, and i have to tell her that TODAY,,what the fuck am i gonna do if they take away the only efing thing that has beeen a life saver to me,,when i spin outta control i take a K and i am back on earth and more able t o deal,, omg thay are always taking away what works for me and leaving me to take this shit prednisone,,HEY lets taper that down,,its killing me slowly and they wanna take away the thing that works,,(as fucking usual) im pissed and going to go rest now,im so so upset.

-------------

back,, its 12 30, i just called bedlam clinic=sandy park office and talked to beth, (OMG i never knew) (the blonde from michigan ) and cancelled my appt for today, i have a new one at mach 30 1.20pm, i wrote kelly and attched those pics of me,,she agrees, D o not look good today,its not a goood day to drive....

(its SNOWING NOW-thats just crazy!!!) sorry about all the cursing, i really get mad tho when i think about how all they have done is taken away the things that help,,and leave me with all the shit(prednisone) lexapro,,,, im not so sure i should not wean off that,,i mean really - i cant buy that on the street like i can klonipin xanax and valium,,which are all the kind of drug i need to stay calm, and in control,,when i dont have the K in me,,i cry and cry ..why do they want to take away the only sane pill i have,,i may just go postal,,like LOOK at this stuff,,this is why i do not trust any of the drugs DRUGS ARE BAD! GENERATION RX is not just about children its adults too

hi guys, im kinda out of it, due to being up from 3.30 am because kelly isnt doing so well - she was sick all weekend then monday she was sick,(stayed home) then,went to work yesterday (tueday) but it was not easy-and its wed now and im keeeping her home,,she has been throwing up,from 3.00 am,that woke me up to se what was going on-this could either be a virus or gullbadder issue.(????)i gave her a Phenergan for nausea and shes sleeping inda big chair. i think this typing is loud and may be botherig her so,,i will bbl....
its chilly again-hate this back and fourth weather

its a sunny and warm morning- i did not have a easy morning today-had serious pain that would not go away-neck hands,feet knees,front collar bone left side --i had to take 2 darvon,& 1 tramodol,aka ultram, its starting to work,but im very high,and cannot believe im able to sit here 2 type' hope i make sense cuz im i am hiGH! i just got backkfrom droppin off cake,,opps i mean kelly, by the time i got back here and emailed her -to let her know i made it home safe,,(i do that every morning/or she will worry to no end)
i am soooooooooo sleeepy now, spring is here and i love this weather,,but i really cant do any thing now utill i feel better-kellys got allergies so bad,,all the bradford pears are in bloom and thats killin her. next month i will be bothered by the cottonwoods in bloom.(my hands -fingers are swollen this am
i seemto be doing better with pain -with all the help. i am gonna go lay downnow..

god shes cute....

the way she acts and the things she does -its too cute.

this weekend

she climbed up there!

this showed up saturday.

heheee (face)

saturday,and im just now comming around,,its 3.00pm and i have had the lazy's...heheee
i have to be quiet tho, cuz kelly's just sick from the air pollen .. i feel allergies too.
i just wanted to log that i hatee my new glasses,i still cannot see -dont know if i said this,,,,but the doctor in ok city,,says i have cateracks...my eyes are screwed for now. he said i will go blind eventualy,,shit,, now things are getting interesting,,with this ra ...i still have not heard anything about my MRI,on C spine---im sure its gonna be bad,,just based on the pain of it all.

my new glasses,(i dont like wearng glasses at all)

im such a DO-RK .i was just on the line with judy our old next door neighbor, they are from the big church here in tulsa,,
most ppl have heard of ORU and all the churchy stuff that goes on herein tulsa,,we have a church for just about every person here ..im surprised nimal churches havent started up,,save your pet so you can have them in heaven - but i ended up the call by saying ,,just love yu to death,,now,,that was so in apporopiate for the end of a call from a very christian angel and she was calling totell me about a healer in town tonite,,hes giving a sermon and healing ppl left and right...she wants me to try to come tonite, god,,i said Oh judy = your such a angel,,thank you so much for thinking of me,,she said well,,i just wanted to let you know and i better go now, so thats when i said OK just,,i just love you to death _what the hell!??? you dont say that to judy,,,,whats wrong w me? im so embaressed now,,i hung up and could not believe what i just heard my self saying to her,,jesh,

this pic is me in 2001

well,ive been focusig on SSDI,if anyone has been thru it,,they can say its a bitch for sure. soo much redtape so many obsticals, and yet,,i hear about this looser person (bless their heart) get SSDI,,and is scamming the government and the system,,how ppl know how to scam is beyond me,,really, but shit me and kell and everyone in my world is so surprized how incompadent and how it goes against anyone really ,,u gotta be tuf to hang in there,,me and kelly were at witts end so many times,god the horror of it all

and im back....................
its early wed morn,,kellys still asleep,,i need to wake her. its about that time.
i have my new glasses on right now. they really help me see but im still so blurry visioned even thru these new glasses that the LIONS CLUB donated the glasses and time and everything to give me glasses - isnt that neat? i mean i never had to use cherity before,,i never ever knew how to ask for help, i would go with out rather then ask for help from anyone,, --thats a "scar" from childhood .. and im how old now??? and still scared,,i absolutly wont ask for help.
so when these glasses came so easily i knew it was GOD pulling the strings for me,,,,just follow my path and dogood and only good ......
i feel OK this AM i have been with RA in my feet more then normal,,and i THINK ITS BACKING OFF MY NECK,,i hope so anyways,,, its early i gotta go help cake now -she needs to wake up-,,so ill be back later,,(bbl)

-----

i see someone was here from Wichita, Kansas thats kewl..i was there aLong time ago and i was there for a soccer torn.i saw at least 20 tornadoes that day,,we fought off tornadoes for the ENTIRE DAY, wiht a hang-over too. i will never forget the twister that chased me on the feild until iditched it by flying below a bridge that went over a stream. whatAday. early 80's i think.....