me NOW ouchietime!!!! and im drowsey-tred.

me yesterday after 12 hours of sleep.
its wed,,here' what happened over nite, with that atom smasher all is OK thank god!
it finaly made the news after the experiment,,,,
~assive particle collider passes first key tests~~Scientists try to re-enact 'Big Bang'~CERN in Geneva .http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CERN
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i have RA in my feeet an elbows and back of neck and hands wrist are sore too,,all is swollen and i dont feel good, I HAVE to meet KEVA McFadden today at 10.30 am,,im gonna rest untill .
~ see im swelling in the face area again,,like i did when i took NEUROTIN,,now its this seriquil drug which keeps me SO SLEEPY always walking in a daze,,i cant come too ,its very very strange,,and they asked me to INCREASE my dose after one week,,i never did,,i dont think i can handel it,,i do need to see some" lite of day" for god 's sake!
no EFFECT called "anger "tho,,,
its to be watched for,,but im always happy,,unless im crying sad- the doctor toldme i am borderline personality,,i dont like that,I WANT TO BE NORMAL what the fuck is borderline,, (madonna's song) i looked it up,,man,,im screwed,,i gotta learn how to behave ALL Over again,, damn im almost fifty years old,,,new tricks for old dog ??no! i cannot change my spots,,im open to whatever but i dont want to end up worst then when we started this family and children services thang! they said they will help me,,im just glad about that,,we shall se tho,,never jugde anything until the facts comein.....----------------------
IM BACK --from meeting keva Mcfadden(love that last name) she was very nice, ew meet again next wed at 8.30 am,,GOOD!
and we meet again and then she either notes that im OK OR i go on to theapy (whichi pray for ) and get a real shrink to help me figure out how i amm gonna getthru all this RA shit and faalling behind more and more everyday,,in everyway, BOTTOM LINE is i am on the right track
w/ "Family &Children services here in TULSA,OK.,,
Family & Children's Services
http://www.fcsok.org/how_we_help/mental_health_services.html

i feel they DO "CARE" about everyone ..me included,, so thats good,,she said she could see my rheumatoid,,i was not on any pain meds when i went,,so i was inflamed and reallllllly tired and cranky - i did cry in her office and i have to go back there TOMORROW to the 4thfloor medical floor and ask to see A nurse --THE "S" PILLS ARE EFFECTING ME NOW- those pills are reminding me of NEUROTIN i was taking for two mnths of hell, march and april i think,,cant recall for now-
that drug messed me up so bad and - its taking ALL this time to get that shit outta my system,,
I HATE DRUGS! god i never would take asprin as a kid and all growing up,,i never liked drugs and always stayed away from doctors and drugs and medical stuff,,i knew nothig about the medical world,, i had no need,,i was so heathly and young / seroquil seems like just the same thing....as nerotin,,,
,,i dunno,,must look it up online,seriquil,,for insane people,,OMG im insane???but wait~! i always knew i was insane- i have clamed that always,,because of my sillyness and out going personality,,hehehee..
lately i can't do anything - im weak,,-im mentally unstable and i have alot of worries and issues going on - in my head,,so i cant focus at all....
Narcissistic personality disorder whew- not me... i am very vain tho so thats kind of narsissitic right? inflated sense of self-importance, need for admiration, extreme self-involvement, ...NO not me at all,,,gooddeal,,dont wanna be a freak or weird or placed into a catagory of insane people,,i just very well may be insane,,its turely possible/ I AM GONNA FIND OUT THO with these up and coming sessions w/a shrink,,im scared..gulp...