i wanted to love him,,buuuut,,,????

omgod,im soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fustrated .i cant do anything becuze i canr see wanything,no,art,,no sewing, i only get hurt,mentally and physically,i get hurt trying to sew i cant see any thjing at all,,,
i want my life back now before i throw it all away,i cant handel the heat / i,m too hot all the time and if i am not hot im too cold with a wet feeling ,.,im squriming always, tying tohold my act together
i do think that this is the WORST year of my whole fucked up life,,i cant bare much, and im faLLING APART, AND HAVE TO not be like this when kell is hewre or it just oisses her off,,i cant express any fustration,i mu8st smile and be poliyte always,, its very hard when u feellleke a fucking failure,i cant see anything,,i cant get it fixed,,i got my turn down letter again and it said if i can blog i can work,,riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ght,,does he know how long it took me to just see the keys and i cant even type a sentance with out the hell of looking at the effing words to se whats all backwards and wrong,,,,im so screwed ,,i mite as well just off the bridge,i cant dea,l,,i canrt deal imxcjnaesoufnqoeivkzljxc voiausgh-qivghboh AND I WONT BE VACK HERE TO LOG ANYMORE ABOUT MY LIFE THAT IS SO FUCKED- bye forever,,imnotfdoing this shit anymore,(tellim fustrated,,yep,i AM) i cant do anything ..i want my life back,, what is there for me-= NOTHING
i just deleteed the link to this blofg and i womntn be back anytime soon,,i gotta go out and find a job that i can do..im crying all day ,,and its nogood

the check arrived here,,what to do now???

1850. and some change,,ohboi,,i wish this were a real check, id be alot less worried about things,like food and clothing and medicaine and all the other stuff we do not have, i only wish for this money,,damnit.

i just emailed the bank it came fromby googling the name and addy...see what happens now,,gulp.

OHboi! JUST got a new EMAIL from susan olsen,,(thinkin little house on the prarrie)
LOOK @ THIS
Re: HI, YES /footwear - $150 (14th and utica area)
Friday, July 24, 2009 8:33 AM
From:
"susan olson" susanolson01@gmail.com
To:
"Debra Maddox"
Please let me know if you have received payment I am in London at the moment. If you have, you can go ahead and get it cashed, deduct your payment and send the balance via western union to the following details:
NAME OF RECEIVER: SUSAN OLSONADDRESS: 22 Tothill Street,CITY: LONDONCOUNTRY: UNITED KINGDOMZIP CODE: SW1H 9LA
Please make sure you take care of everything today and send me the transfer details i.e Money Transfer Cotrol Number (MTCN) and the total amount sent after charges. I will need the money to take care of some pressing bills and pay for pick-up.Waiting to read from you.Susan
riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight,,i wonder if she noticed i RE=posted the shoes i am saposedly sellijng to her,, god,,what a rippoff,
at least i got this info that i will certanly pass on to CL ppl.
==================
im obsessing again,,this means i MUST get away from the computer
LOOK:
Just a coincidence that these other cultures have a 2012 target?
Hopi Predict a 25yr period of purification followed by End of Fourth World and beginning of the Fifth.
Mayans Call it the 'end days' or the end of time as we know it.
Maoris Say that as the veils dissolve there will be a merging of the physical & spiritual worlds.
Zulu Believe that the whole world will be turned upside down.
Hindus Kali Yuga (end time of man). The Coming of Kalki & critical mass of Enlightened Ones.
Incas Call it the 'Age of Meeting Ourselves Again'.
Aztec Call this the Time of the Sixth Sun. A time of transformation. Creation of new race.
Dogon Say that the spaceship of the visitors, the Nommo, will return in the form of a blue star
Pueblo Acknowledge it'll be the emergence into the Fifth World
Cherokee Their ancient calendar ends exactly at 2012 as does the Mayan calendar.
Tibetan Kalachakra teachings are prophesies left by Buddha predicting Coming of the Golden Age.
Egypt According to the Great Pyramid (stone calendar), present time cycle ends in year 2012 AD
i was reading about the dogons in yr 2001,,kell and i had a book called
osiris mystery with akhentaten on th ecover,,ordered from great brittian
and it really went into the ledgend of the dogon tribe-and it was incredible,they knew of planets and drawf stars before we did with our telescopes//they were taught by anphibous aliens that came out of the water and flew away into space,,sounds alot like a primitive view of the aliens we see today,going in and out of the seas,like the in dragons triangle in japan,,its all very interesting to me
mardulk newyork is interesting too...dont ask,,manhattan project went on further there!
we r feeling so so physic and seems like everything is serindipity

i think the metho is working well,,my neck seems to be better and my hands and feet are not waking up in pain that will / and has been driving me insane completly
i do not think any-ANYone should live in such terrible pain.
i still have not had my blood tested,,hope thats OK,,gonna have to be OK,
she wanted me to test blood for every three weeks,,i havent done it even once
i cant control the money/transpotation that we have//we need to fix our POS car/ i HATE cars,,only cute lil sporty cars are excepable,,otherwise whatEVER!
i said last evening to kelly that i " have NO idea how we r making it on her pay,,she said its BREAD and LOAVES thing" ,,and it is indeed.prasie the lord fersher!
i sold her cellphones for 150.00 dollars- still we have no money,no food and i cant help but wanna go back to work,anywhere were i can sit but ,,no helping the public or it will be too much,,i cant deal with bitching people - i cant even deal with someone honking their horn in the traffic,,i will flip em off and just bitch about it. and wonder what the Fuc# is the hurry and why the honk when you have another red light right up the street,,effers..! no one can drive here - i say driving is like poetry its fluid and just should flow,but not here,these ppl just do not know how to drive defensivly.
my neck is emproving adn so is everything else thanks to methotrexate.
i felt weird last nite,,i remembered how lonely i was in 2000-2001 and cut myself off from everyone i knew,,i wanted to get away from bad influence and start over,,well,i feel that emptiness again,,why? i have these catas and kell,,but i feel so alone and afraid and having bad dreams about ppl leaving me ,,i feel scared to death and somethimnmes i think its better if i die,,why is that,i dont wana die,,but i feel so doomed,,and nothing is gonna be better then this,,and i couldnt live knowing this is as good as ot gets,,i mite as well be in prision, im so limited,i HATETHIS.

OHNO<<>>>>

right here and so close to us,,OMG!

Soldiers Confirmed With Swine Flu in McAlester

- Eight soldiers at the McAlester Army Ammunition Plant have tested positive for the swine flu in what health officials say is the largest single outbreak of the virus in the state.The base's medical director Dr. Norman McAlester said Wednesday most of the soldiers already have recovered. He says all the soldiers who were ill wore face masks and were isolated from the rest of the soldiers who were taking part in a national training exercise at the base.
Base spokesman Mark Hughes says the soldiers were from Texas and Puerto Rico but declined to identify which military units they were with.The cases mark the first confirmed cases of swine flu in Pittsburg County.

http://www.ktul.com/news/stories/0709/642971.html

watching the ESOTERIC agenda AGAIN! trying to spot the bullshit,,or false claims

**the DalaiLama says:
The Buddha generally presented himself as more physician than metaphysician: if an arrow is sticking out of your side, he famously said, don’t argue about where it came from or who made it; just pull it out. You make your way to happiness not by fretting about it or trafficking in New Age affirmations, but simply by finding the cause of your suffering, and then attending to it, as any doctor (of mind or body) might do.
i will try hard to achieve this,
his life is incredible,,i believe he is a supreme being from God, sent to teach this way of life, its peaceful and recycling and harmonious,love that so much.i love the dali lama /hes inspiring,Just reading a new atrtical about him I noticed that i read the whole article - i NEVER read the full article on any story,ufos or NWO
stuff= but i had to read this and realized i read the whole thing and thought to my self,,yep,,i must really be taken by him OR i wouldn't be sitting here reading it
all the way thru..
http://happydays.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/22/the-doctor-is-within/
i am not taking the shot either.....................

thank GOD i feel MUCH better today. was not sure how i was gonna make it today when i got UP,painaids bigtime today
i had lil'baby star waking me up as usual.HOW DOES SHE KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? she does this lil' thing every morning,,she jumps up in to me inbed and with her little meow she climbs up and hunkers down under the blanket.ofcouse i wake and pet her. OMgod,shes a little blessing.she makes us smile and feel happy.thats why the lord has sent her to us,she is a blessing.
i think im going to spend alittle time here online,i have to post somethings to sell. we have a scammer trying to scam us right now,,her name is susan olsen (gotta google that name in tulsa)and shes contacted me in regards to the shoes kell's mom gave us to sell. they are expensive type of walking tennis shoe,and we r asking 150.00 for them.
this lady sent a email asking for them via money order and without getting the shoes.what??im NOT stupid.noone would buy something unseen and send money like that,,im sure its a scam,,i am "playing" her right back.sounding naive and stupid about it
i post the correspondence here for amusement:
(((CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY--AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY)))) -riiight

Still up for sale?
i said YES,then this stuff:

Hi,
Whats your full name and address so i can send you a money order or check for your asking price. Hopefully you will get it this week or early next week. Please reserve it for me, i do not mind adding twenty dollar for the delay. As for Pick-up, i already have an arrangement for that so wont be a problem. Get back to me ASAP.
Susan right here i smelled a scam,,
but i kept her going so we can prove it and bust her.
hehee, like im all stupid or somptin......
Hi Debra,
Your payment has been sent but there is something i think i must bring to your notice immediately. I just discovered there is an error in the payment sent to you. My assistant sent the payment meant for another item thats more expensive than yours. I have called the post office to see if they could retrieve it but nothing positive. I really dont know what to do now. Please and Please, you can go ahead and cash out the Money Order at your Bank when you receive it, deduct your payment and send the balance via western union to the details i will provide you with. Can i trust you to do that for me?
Susan i said this:

hi i only now found this emaill ,so sorry for the delay,,yes,thats fine dear
i willletyou know when i see it
thanks alot
DM

Hi Debra,
Thanks for putting my mind at rest. I am sure you will get payment this week. Please let me know as soon as you have received it. I am scheduled to leave town tomorrow for a family emergency but i will keep in touch. My plan is for Fedex to pick-up for me when you get payment. So please let me know when you receive it so i can tell you where to send my balance and also schedule pick-up.
Susanwe shall see what happens
thought id see the money order and call the police(i know MOs are false . counterfeit or something)

hi ive been really sick,,dunno why,,i am queeezy and its hard to see,,my eyeballs feel like they r burning and gonna pop from trying to see,i tried to get alot done and now im paying for it.i cant handle my neck pain
my stomach feels like i cant let it empty or it will burn,,i need to look up methotrexate side effects,,and see if its what is doing this,,i feel sick
=============
Seek medical attention right away if any of these SEVERE side effects occur when using Methotrexate Tablets:
Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); black, tarry stools; blood in the urine; calf or leg pain or swelling; change in the amount of urine; chest pain; coma; confusion; coughing up blood; dark urine; diarrhea; difficult or painful urination; dry cough; fever, chills, or sore throat; menstrual changes; mental or mood changes; mouth sores; one-sided weakness; red, swollen, peeling, or blistered skin; seizures; severe or persistent nausea or vomiting; shortness of breath; speech changes; unusual bleeding or bruising; unusual pain and discoloration of the skin; unusual tiredness or weakness; vision changes or vision loss; yellowing of skin or eyes.