i sure know how to look and ACT happy dont i?
well,its not even that ,,its like im OK one minuet,im secure and doing OK ,,have faith and hope that we r gonna be just fine...
BUT THEN then a tornado blows thru this house-w/ a loud and detructive wind...

me and kelly are arguing over,,hell i dont know,,i REALLY dont,,,but i DO KNOW that she is distant and not so ... here...lately.
~whenever i get this worked up and shes yellin' = that RA comes on stong,,i feel it right now in my feet so bad ,i must wrap them to walk and now-here comes my elbows again,i thought they were done with RA now that they look deformed ,,but OHNO,,gotta destroy more,,,more,,,more,,,,also my insides have RA / i dont know what or how but i feel my organs hurting and swelling up ,,i get that big spongy belly--here it comes and i want to go find a job SO FUCKING BAD--god now im crying -im so effing worthless
this is comming on because i now have a confirmation of how kelly really feels about me. and its sad.this whole thing is sad..........
its now 11.30 am,,i have to be at the center at 2.30 sharp,,i tried to rest,so i can make it,,but im up now and upset and i am just going to start thinking of what i can do about a job for income,,cuz kelly cant afford this anymore. makes me feel guilty and like when i used to depend on mom,,she was so difficult to live with she made me and my sister feel reaaaally guilty just for asking for anything,,like shoes for our feet or tampax cuz,,we needed them you kow to go to school and all,
she would JUST go off about it,,cuz something else was bothering her,,underneth it all- we, me and mom, have not talked in YEARS (my mom-cry) hell she doesnt even know i have RA,,why bother her with such dull news,,like she cares anyways!
i live for peace love beauty and harmony and im just not seeing that anywhere,,why i dont do much art anymore,,my faith is shot-im un-inspired, and depressed about life - my family and this relationship im in,ad y RA and ii want to WORK damn it! i want a job damn bad,-just to be productive and escape from my mind,,i want to stay buzy always, if i stop, i see, and i dont like what i see...im scared now

well this is screwed up,i wrapped and got all ready drove down to YOGA was looking forward to it) and the door was shut and they were already doing TM at 2.31 i did not want to open the door,,i didnt know protocaol and i was insecure that i had to just leave after just standing therelooking around like WTF >ant i do anyting right,, fuckin no womnder kelly wants away from me,,i mean R$EALLY i just try try try ,,but i get futrther and further behind,,in my head in my soul in my body,,,i am needing help bad with straighting things out,,but i just ant talk to anyone at all,,noone,,noone gets to know whats going on in my mind,,WHY>? because i feel like ill get gripped out - or punished for having mixed up thoughts. imnot allowed to slip up in any way or hell is to be paid,,so i try try try to be good and thoughtfull and cause noone any fucking problems,,i never share my opinion about much ,,cuz,,well,my opinion doesnt that important on anything /ifeel broken,and i have no idea what will fix me otherthen
secuity.