today is holloween - my favorite holiday,in my favorite month october,,its so"German",,and thats what i am,, kelly calls me lil'germanhead..and i call her big itialian head,hehehe -

hi im back,,its been about 1- 2 hours now,,my medicine just doesnt work like it used to,, its wearing off,,the potency i mean,,, i JUST called my primary,(i love him-dr wiseman and he is a wiseman) i tt nurse,,told her ive benn waking up crying for 2 weeks now,,thats under estamating -- told her i need my oxy refilled but weneeed 2 increase dose (10 mil- what i take) awhile untill we get this rhuematoid under controll,,i cant keep crying and scareing kelly god she just doesnt know what to do but just hug and conmfort me,,and thats sweet i love her
i took a picture of how i amable to type now medicated and with protection and its really one finger typing so fuck mistakes = cant go back to fix unless im board im tooo hurtfull now

ps,,,, it was joys birthday yesterday and we forgot to call and say Happy Birthday,, so we called now... and told her how much we appreciated joy and angela to come over, and help us winterize this ol'house and she (joy) left little treats behind- like a cinnamon candle burning sweetly, and she saw the list of supplys on the fridge,,she came back from the store - with a bag of what was on that list,,she never told anyone either,, thats an angel,,,right? we r blessed so when im in pain and crying because my bones hurt and my splits hurt,,i still think about the people i get to see like kelly, angela and joy, shawney and all her clan,,and mary and her clan,,and jennifer woodencrosss and her clan,,so,,we really have some good people here around,,i l;ike my doctor,,but i think i may have tochange rhuenatologists again - i dont want to,, but im worst and i have to get better,,i need november 8th to get here so i can find out aBOUT MY "womanlyness"( ovary has to go they say,,soo we shall see ..november 8th the big day,,,, gulp!)

i may.NEED.someone to talk to, like a shrink,,are there any out there?
,because now,, i just woke up ,,---but as usual-- after 5 minuets of being awake im CRYING
in pain-i dont want to wake up anymore its too painful,,
i just cant keep waking up in pain-every fuckin' morning why why why why ,,i am saying that its TOO MUCH i want a saw off my hands and feet.
time went by.,,took my pills,and now---
i have just calmed down enuff but EVERYmorn is so painfull,like the medicine wore off in the night and when i awake,i feel everything,i have splits in my fingers that radiate pain from the swellng while i sleep, i need to sleep at least 9 hurs i prefer 010-12 tho,,hahaaa hey i laughed,,my medicine is kicking in,10 ml pred and 3 darvons and 1oxy usully does it! heres my pics in order of mental breAK DOWN THIS AM.........

SUNDAY october 29th
i FEEL like shit! and i think it shows -i caught a cold or something,,kelly took this picture of me before i even looked in the mirror to apoprove a picture,hahaha................................. now ,,i spent 4 hours getting medicated and ready for TWO "angels" angela and joy- to come over to our drafty ol'house and fix the drafty-ness... its gonna be coldthis winter and we need to be ready - and we have hardly any money, so we have been blessed by 2 angels,,,kellys MOMS angela and joy,,,,they spent HOURs on our windows and lots $$$ to secure the drafty windows and north side of this ol' house,,it has made a huge differentce just in one day,,we went out on front porch and it was warm,,
* i went to get cleaned up a bit

i recieved an email as he is going to egypt for a holidAY with his friends
,,MY FATHER IS IN EGYPT now! thats kinda neat,, not just everyone gets to just hop on a plane and go to see the The Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt. i mean Really!
(as he celebrates his 65th birthday and in egypt as his obsession - and i i i now know where i get my obsession w/ egypt,,huuumm,,, bloood
email from my dad:
Wednesday 25 October 2006 Air Egyptair - Flight MS 0986 Depart: NY --Arrive: Cairo Int'l Airport Thursday, October 26, 2006 HES IN EGYPT RIGHT NOW OMg thats tooooooo damn kool-- i ONLY dream of it,,i have been down for days with this computer virus and issues with the power supply and other issues as well,,(me being sick with cold and fever)dont wanna give details on computer issues because its upsetting i had backed up tons of corresponsence with SSI and everyone,,all my emails and addresses r now GONE .. i must learn that everything isnt for.ever,,a HARD-- H-A-R-D lesson2 learn ,,i need to learn it with computers,,back it up or no bitching.

dont do the metho injections anymore,,feeling better about that,,my complaints of being too cold and too tired are disapearing and my energy seems to be increasing as days go by,,apitite increased as well,,(i guess i have may gained 5 pounds now) metho was killing me i did not like it from the begining,,and aways complained about it,,,
i have remicade soon,, nov something,,, my hands look injured and soar and boney? but i feel like i look better in the face,,or maybe NOT,,,i have issues now with my spine,it hurts all the time,All the time,most all in the upperr spine between shoulder ,,and also left hip inflMMED all to hell, left not right,, muggy weather and not so cold,,thats LUCKY! i feel strange tho,,like lights are on but noone is home,,weird,,, .i dunno~!

10-23rd ug~! not been well,,, no energy -hard to sleep, have not been clear inmy head for sometime,,dont know why,,i think the world is comming to an end,, someone mite say,,ah shes just pessimistic ..yaknow....................but i am NOT... i swear im super positive !!!
i am themostpositive ,,but the "air" is different now and im missing time and kellys getting tired of hauling my ass around,, no telling whats around the next corner,,but my bones hurt,,my hands are the worst they have been in a while,,its been since august since i TOOK anyMETHOTREXATE,,allllllllllllooooong time./// im just doing the remicade & prednisone-10 ml daily --End times are f- freakin me bad lately.

* bitched about my splits on my last blog,,they are just now healing up,,one is stll bad,, i should have taken pics,,i couldnt hold a camera,,,

my dad told me that grandma amanda biwer said " if u dont feel good - then go sit in the sun!!,,so i did,, and i felt good in the sun,,then the sun disappeared

and i was back at square one,HA! we need more sun around here thats a 10-4 ova!

i have no hands lately,,hurts to type..
later with the info/details of the late.
I am going to increase my pred- perhaps this will allow me to get thru typing,,i have bad splits in the tips of my fingers-- i should wouldtake a picture,BUT i dont have my camera software setup yet..i may stumble thru that NOW.. pictures are waiting on me,,,,